Kids: Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

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Healthy relationship

Thanks, I'm cured!

Left hanging

By disneyworld - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By shitty situation - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

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By scalmon - United States

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

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By loser. - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

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By roflcopter - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By fock - Canada - Almonte

Today, I had to convince my 28-year-old boyfriend to take down his booger wall. FML

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By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By HotToTrotskyite - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

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By Betchsadface - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By CoCo - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Daytona Beach

Anti Joke

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

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By DonPedro - United States

Today, I took a crap at work. When I go to flush the toilet, it clogs and begins to overflow. I leave the bathroom the way it is and as I walk out, my boss comes in. FML

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By not helping - 17/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Co-parenting

Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By elizio - United States - Trenton

Today, I went to a high school reunion. An old friend I hadn't seen in a while suddenly came up to me and gasped, "Oh, thank God!" I was about to greet her and catch up when she added, "I'm not the only one who gained weight!" FML

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By blah! - 13/12/2020 14:01

Unionize

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

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By shugette212 - United States

Today, I found the Christmas candy that I'd hidden a year ago. Turns out I wasn't the only living creature who had found it. FML

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By jarrettsorko - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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By 00sasori - Canada - Vancouver

Baseless accusation

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

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By d0pey - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

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By whydoidothis - United Kingdom

Today, my colleague and I played yet another wonderful game of 'Tapeworm or Toilet Paper?' in the homeless shelter's toilets we were asked to clean. FML

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By Alice - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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By Kate - United States - Concord

Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was putting groceries away, I went to open my freezer door which randomly gets stuck by giving it a good tug, and a frozen hamburger fell on my right foot. My right foot, which is currently healing from a sprain I got a couple days ago. FML

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By notgay - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

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By leah12 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I am Leah. She mixed up the letters to the wrong envelopes. FML

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By English - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replies, "Sorry I have to do stuff with my parents" Her mum calls and by mistake my girlfriend pressed loud speaker, the first thing her mum said was "Be back at 11". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I woke up to a disappointed boyfriend. He told me he spent an hour last night farting on my pillow to see if I would wake up with pink-eye. He's 23 years old. FML

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By retailworker

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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By Dominic - Canada

Today, as a prank, my friends put a big bucket of water on my door so that it would spill on me as I exited my room. It would have been funny if I hadn't been holding my $900 laptop as I was walking out. FML

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By Laura - United Kingdom - Girvan

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

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By mperh - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

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By klv8 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

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Top comments

By feelingold | 18

#5933227 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

You'd rather he was wanking like a gibbon?? *Parenting five*

By auzziegirl1938 | 22

#5933228 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

Follow up story? I'm actually curious why he wants streamers out of toilet paper...

COMMENTS

By kcpestwick | 15

#5933226 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

Umm, wtf?

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5933283 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:49

Which to prefer? Hmmm.

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5933308 - Saturday 3 May 2014 1:26

Whew, I thought he was eating it.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5933393 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5933395 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

LittlestV | 28

#5933572 - Saturday 3 May 2014 9:27

It's 'bollocks', not 'bullocks'. If you're going to imitate a Brit get it right...

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5933981 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:22

In his defense, autocorrect may have had a hand in that

By feelingold | 18

#5933227 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

You'd rather he was wanking like a gibbon?? *Parenting five*

Reply

MisUnFortunate | 31

#5933237 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

Well at least that'd mean he was using it instead of hoarding it in useless shreds.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5933243 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:30

using and abusing...

Reply

gingaa96 | 18

#5933304 - Saturday 3 May 2014 1:15

Agreed, OP should count his blessings

Reply

itsellie27 | 9

#5933353 - Saturday 3 May 2014 3:02

What's wrong with him wanking?

Reply

Vitotaylor36 | 13

#5933401 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:49

What the fuck is a gibbon anyway???

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5933430 - Saturday 3 May 2014 5:21

A species of primate.

Reply

pimrol | 16

#5933611 - Saturday 3 May 2014 11:35

sinterklaas!

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5933982 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:23

What the hell does Santa Claus have to do which this?

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5934102 - Sunday 4 May 2014 0:12

well hello there

Reply

darkfireflame | 15

#5937072 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 2:28

At least he'd e using the TP for a relatively constructive purpose XD

By auzziegirl1938 | 22

#5933228 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

Follow up story? I'm actually curious why he wants streamers out of toilet paper...

Reply

MrsPegg | 45

#5933798 - Saturday 3 May 2014 16:49

Epic rolling/TP prank? I wish I would've thought of that...

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5933872 - Saturday 3 May 2014 18:38

Maybe saving for a wackathon to make his parents proud? Ya never know in todays society haha

Reply

Mynameislinh | 24

#5934403 - Sunday 4 May 2014 8:35

Maybe he's prepping for prom?

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#5933235 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

wanking like a gibbon. Lmao

Reply

CelticSkye | 13

#5933474 - Saturday 3 May 2014 6:52

"Fucking hell, son." I lol'd at that!

Reply

NiceGuysDoWin | 21

#5933941 - Saturday 3 May 2014 19:44

'wanking like a gibbon' is my new favorite quote.

Reply

kieron2013 | 19

#6427394 - Monday 5 October 2015 9:46

That's a surprisingly well used quote here in England.

By WordAficionada | 19

#5933236 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

Haha; what the hell?!

By cwl727 | 32

#5933238 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

Toss them around his room for punishment.

By thatnucca | 36

#5933250 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:32

I can't decide which of the two is worse? Either way, he's still a moron...

Reply

DomiLove | 26

#5933263 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:38

Well if he was "wanking" at least that'd be somewhat useful.... The streamers, well he could make that out of other things, or, you know, buy some.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5933983 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:25

Or he could be making the streamers AFTER wanking like a gibbon

By sicksadworld1317 | 30

#5933259 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:36

The way this was worded was just . . . great. You should tell him to get a grip on that.

On second thought, maybe not.

By foxwasalamb | 24

#5933260 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:37

why the fuck would anybody stash shredded bits of toilet paper?

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#5933385 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:28

Especially if they're not wanking like a gibbon.. :

By mario2012 | 18

#5933261 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:37

I guess he likes to have his cumuppance.