Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing... - FML

By Anonymous - 2/5/2014 14:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

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Family values

Instadrama

This ain't working out

By Lindsay - 7/2/2011 17:41 - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By temp - 21/10/2016 00:36

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

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By Noname - 5/3/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said "no". Then she started to eat the dessert. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, I kissed a boy I have liked since the first day of university. I was thrilled until he followed it with, "Right, I don't think we should tell anyone this happened. Not that they'd believe it anyway." He then patted my ass and walked away. FML

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By cumhole - 10/10/2012 02:32 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 20:00

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 22:52 - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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By negativesoup - 10/11/2016 18:44

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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By omgreally91 - 12/10/2011 23:39 - United States

Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2011 12:40 - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By kittydead - 29/1/2009 01:05 - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Nightsong - 30/3/2016 02:54 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

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By jon - 31/8/2012 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Consent

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By poorcollegestudent - 30/10/2009 20:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my university bookstore and tried to use my debit card to pay, but got the "Insufficient Funds" notification. I was buying a single postage stamp, which costs 57 cents. FML

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By PissOffPottermore - 13/9/2012 14:31 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

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By makayta - 8/10/2016 06:20 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

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By potatoes - 17/1/2012 03:16 - United States

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

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By JessykaB - 28/8/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

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By soy_un_perderdor - 13/12/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

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By SBT1030 - 23/7/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

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By raz - 2/10/2012 00:11 - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

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By BobbyHutchinson - 20/10/2009 15:57 - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

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By cat co-parent - 3/1/2015 00:11 - Australia

Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML

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By fiery - 24/7/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2015 13:58 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

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By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - 18/12/2012 21:44 - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

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By gnownayrgnow - 8/5/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By Oops - 25/12/2012 11:17 - United States - Augusta

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By Jac - 17/1/2010 19:59 - United States

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

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By caterinette - 27/11/2014 02:04 - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By Miss_Blaine - 29/6/2016 20:05 - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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By ToobyFrank - 6/3/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2018 15:00

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By mvp - 26/7/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

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By notmyday - 25/2/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2017 00:00 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, on a train to the airport the ticket inspector pointed out that my girlfriend and I hadn't activated our tickets. He suggested one of us get off and activate them at the next station. Now I'm on the moving train with all our luggage and she's waving from the platform with our tickets. FML

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By Chedder - 26/6/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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Top comments

By feelingold | 18

#5933227 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

You'd rather he was wanking like a gibbon?? *Parenting five*

By auzziegirl1938 | 22

#5933228 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

Follow up story? I'm actually curious why he wants streamers out of toilet paper...

COMMENTS

By kcpestwick | 15

#5933226 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

Umm, wtf?

Reply

Yeshua_fml | 19

#5933283 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:49

Which to prefer? Hmmm.

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5933308 - Saturday 3 May 2014 1:26

Whew, I thought he was eating it.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5933393 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5933395 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

LittlestV | 28

#5933572 - Saturday 3 May 2014 9:27

It's 'bollocks', not 'bullocks'. If you're going to imitate a Brit get it right...

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5933981 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:22

In his defense, autocorrect may have had a hand in that

By feelingold | 18

#5933227 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

You'd rather he was wanking like a gibbon?? *Parenting five*

Reply

MisUnFortunate | 31

#5933237 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

Well at least that'd mean he was using it instead of hoarding it in useless shreds.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5933243 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:30

using and abusing...

Reply

gingaa96 | 18

#5933304 - Saturday 3 May 2014 1:15

Agreed, OP should count his blessings

Reply

itsellie27 | 9

#5933353 - Saturday 3 May 2014 3:02

What's wrong with him wanking?

Reply

Vitotaylor36 | 13

#5933401 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:49

What the fuck is a gibbon anyway???

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5933430 - Saturday 3 May 2014 5:21

A species of primate.

Reply

pimrol | 16

#5933611 - Saturday 3 May 2014 11:35

sinterklaas!

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5933982 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:23

What the hell does Santa Claus have to do which this?

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5934102 - Sunday 4 May 2014 0:12

well hello there

Reply

darkfireflame | 15

#5937072 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 2:28

At least he'd e using the TP for a relatively constructive purpose XD

By auzziegirl1938 | 22

#5933228 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:27

Follow up story? I'm actually curious why he wants streamers out of toilet paper...

Reply

MrsPegg | 45

#5933798 - Saturday 3 May 2014 16:49

Epic rolling/TP prank? I wish I would've thought of that...

Reply

mb2_native | 15

#5933872 - Saturday 3 May 2014 18:38

Maybe saving for a wackathon to make his parents proud? Ya never know in todays society haha

Reply

Mynameislinh | 24

#5934403 - Sunday 4 May 2014 8:35

Maybe he's prepping for prom?

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#5933235 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

wanking like a gibbon. Lmao

Reply

CelticSkye | 13

#5933474 - Saturday 3 May 2014 6:52

"Fucking hell, son." I lol'd at that!

Reply

NiceGuysDoWin | 21

#5933941 - Saturday 3 May 2014 19:44

'wanking like a gibbon' is my new favorite quote.

Reply

kieron2013 | 19

#6427394 - Monday 5 October 2015 9:46

That's a surprisingly well used quote here in England.

By WordAficionada | 19

#5933236 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

Haha; what the hell?!

By cwl727 | 32

#5933238 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:28

Toss them around his room for punishment.

By thatnucca | 36

#5933250 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:32

I can't decide which of the two is worse? Either way, he's still a moron...

Reply

DomiLove | 26

#5933263 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:38

Well if he was "wanking" at least that'd be somewhat useful.... The streamers, well he could make that out of other things, or, you know, buy some.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5933983 - Saturday 3 May 2014 20:25

Or he could be making the streamers AFTER wanking like a gibbon

By sicksadworld1317 | 30

#5933259 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:36

The way this was worded was just . . . great. You should tell him to get a grip on that.

On second thought, maybe not.

By foxwasalamb | 24

#5933260 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:37

why the fuck would anybody stash shredded bits of toilet paper?

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#5933385 - Saturday 3 May 2014 4:28

Especially if they're not wanking like a gibbon.. :

By mario2012 | 18

#5933261 - Saturday 3 May 2014 0:37

I guess he likes to have his cumuppance.