By Anonymous

"Shit ticket for one"

Today, my household ran out of toilet paper so we have to shower after every dump. My mom just confessed that she does in fact have money for shit tickets, but won't buy any because it's the only way she can get my brother to shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2968

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Money

Health

Broken heart

Vulture

Perish the thought

By doubleCoupon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45457

You deserved it

5546

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By vee2013 - Canada - London

Today, I finally decided to do something productive and clean my room. When I went to pick up the first thing off my floor I hit my head on my desk and gave myself a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39120

You deserved it

6908

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By 88_OP - United Kingdom

Today, I returned home from a three-week vacation. None of my friends realized I'd been gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33379

You deserved it

3942

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By Umlungu23

Today, during my lunch break, I sat on the manager's chair. As I sat down, I heard a snapping sound and I ended up on the floor. Everyone now calls me "the lumpy girl" who broke the manager's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1992

You deserved it

413

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38447

You deserved it

8568

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By Maleficia

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6810

You deserved it

1454

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40766

You deserved it

4606

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By wrongplacewrongtime - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19853

You deserved it

58042

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By jodibut - United States

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36625

You deserved it

8015

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By emix - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12094

You deserved it

66456

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By Brunette, small breasts - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18943

You deserved it

1393

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By Shuttie - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15556

You deserved it

43490

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By tellingthetruth - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, the subject of penis size came up while my boyfriend and I were chatting. He asked if he was big, and I replied that whatever size he was, he was enough to satisfy me. Apparently, that was the wrong answer, and he spent the rest of the night sulking because I didn't say he was enormous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31134

You deserved it

14098

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 11:01

Cursed FML

Today, my parents think the only reason I'm gay is because I have a curse that makes me attracted to females and I'm actually straight. At this point, even my older sisters believe it which is crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

923

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34883

You deserved it

9678

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 14:03 - United States - Springfield

Facts over feelings

Today, I noticed that my mom still has me saved in her phone with my married name. I told her she could change it back to my maiden name. She said, "Not until it's legal!" My husband and I have been separated for more than 2 years and my divorce will be finalized in 2 days. She still won't change it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1055

You deserved it

165

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By dangit - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23333

You deserved it

3574

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By bad timing - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1814

You deserved it

318

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By scorpionsurviver - United States

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25332

You deserved it

6548

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By blehh - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34233

You deserved it

54565

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By dinosaurboy - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30616

You deserved it

5437

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21343

You deserved it

5636

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By vaylosa

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35474

You deserved it

3590

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By V - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30778

You deserved it

18086

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By nothowtheydoitinalabama - United States

Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29441

You deserved it

3688

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28322

You deserved it

35643

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 11:02 - United States - Orlando

Compassion

Today, I found out the reason my mom took over 9 months to get me a therapist and much needed help after I told her how I had been depressed and suicidal for over two months. It wasn't because it was hard to find one, but actually because she thought I was making it up to cushion the fact that I got a C in a class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1446

You deserved it

110

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By JDLAX1924 - United States

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26733

You deserved it

42280

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By Marcus Whitfield

Bear of a man

Today, I came to the unsettling realisation that the 2XL jacket that was originally 3 sizes too big for me is now a perfect fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1300

You deserved it

447

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By Anonymous - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, I had an asthma attack while in bed with my boyfriend. He interrupted my desperate coughing only to tell me to shut up. He then rolled over to go back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44841

You deserved it

3990

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By Belgian girl - United States - Lewes

Today, I became my one night stand's shrink as he went through the process of realising he might be bisexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5278

You deserved it

694

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the landlord tenant act does not apply since I'm living in the same house as my landlord. She's making my life a living hell and breaking my things. I still have 3 months left in the contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1661

You deserved it

210

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By catt - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33466

You deserved it

4041

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By strayking - 24/5/2021 17:01

Rough school

Today, my daughter admitted that she doesn’t have any friends at her elementary school. When I asked her why, she said it was because whenever she talks to any of the other kids, she gets punched in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1054

You deserved it

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By whyyjustwhy - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47903

You deserved it

9860

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By kady - United States

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34863

You deserved it

6614

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26301

You deserved it

3324

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By ouch - United States - Sioux City

Today, I found out that my lover and boyfriend of over 5 years has me listed in his contacts as "Vagina". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52420

You deserved it

7268

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By notwasted39 - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54840

You deserved it

3074

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By Iguana - Canada - Oromocto

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14652

You deserved it

28632

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 32

#7668536 - Sunday 29 July 2018 2:20

I'm worried. You seem to be living such abject poverty that you accepted that your entire family can't afford toilet paper, before finding out it was a ruse. Are you really that poor, or does your mom just hide money in order to get her kids to behave a certain way?

Also... shit tickets?

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7674459 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:48

I'm just really happy that shit tickets seems to be catching on.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 32

#7668536 - Sunday 29 July 2018 2:20

wHSKitty | 11

#7674446 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:16

It’s in the urban dictionary. Some of these new slang terms are just stupid.

008GGG | 14

#7674512 - Friday 10 August 2018 17:12

‘Shit tickets’ is far from new. I first heard the term 20 years ago. The person I heard it from used it while in the Marines in Vietnam.

Charlie Given | 24

#7674671 - Friday 10 August 2018 21:50

It's as old as WW2 when people would use useless ration cards which were very thin and looked like large bus tickets, hence "shit tickets"

By TomeDr | 21

#7674434 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:02

Your mother is a genius!

By wHSKitty | 11

#7674445 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:15

Umm ... TMI!!!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7674451 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:23

Get him a bidet for his b-day?

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7674459 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:48

I'm just really happy that shit tickets seems to be catching on.

By Summaria | 10

#7674469 - Friday 10 August 2018 16:05

I feel like showering after every dump will cost more than buying toilet paper....

Lalala579121 | 27

#7674502 - Friday 10 August 2018 16:52

Yeah they just need to get one of those toilets that sprays your bum with water after you shit.

boopingsnoot | 23

#7674774 - Saturday 11 August 2018 4:58

A bidet! Wish I had one.

By Seeya55 | 31

#7674562 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:10

You guys at least can afford a poop knife, right?

By Abbusser | 9

#7674565 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:15

I'll send you some. Only used once...

By carlgrimes47 | 13

#7674575 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:24

Couldn't she buy some and keep a secret stash, grabbing a few sheets before entering the bathroom? Your family could still use it and your brother be none the wiser.

By carlgrimes47 | 13

#7674576 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:24

Couldn't she buy some and keep a secret stash, grabbing a few sheets before entering the bathroom? Your family could still use it and your brother be none the wiser.