By Anonymous

"Shit ticket for one"

Today, my household ran out of toilet paper so we have to shower after every dump. My mom just confessed that she does in fact have money for shit tickets, but won't buy any because it's the only way she can get my brother to shower. FML

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Money

Health

Dangling modifier

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Fairytale ending

By Courtney - United States

Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

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By stickers - United States

Today, I was going through my moms closet. On one of the shelves, I found two baby books. One was mine, the other was one for a dog she owned before I was born. I looked through them both. The dog's baby book was filled out more than mine was. FML

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By Yue - Canada

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

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35178

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By tubby - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

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32232

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

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26208

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By Christinemh329 - United States

Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML

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24657

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By missinformed

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

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By upliftmofo - Belgium

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

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36584

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By Anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

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By sasquatch - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

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By catastrophy

Today, a guy I've been seeing called me really drunk again to talk about his and his cat's angst. He put me on speaker so I could have a meowing-conversation with his cat to soothe her. FML

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8757

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By Noname - United States

Today, I tried buying a video game that was rated "M - for mature". The Cashier told me "you have to be 17 to buy this game". I didn't have any ID on me. I'm 25. FML

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By chawlay - United States

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

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38787

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By Anonymous - United States - Blain

Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML

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By all by myself - United States - Alaska Peninsula Nwr

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML

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39872

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By Anonymous - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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49626

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By N - United States - Glenwood Springs

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

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14493

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By Ihadnoidea - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

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21293

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By cutiepatootie - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a party and accidentally knocked my blender off the counter. After taking a half an hour to clean up all the glass, I went upstairs to get the spare blender I keep in the closet. I tripped, and broke the blender. I just applied for a waitressing job. FML

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25970

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By TKDConnor92 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a 7 year old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

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31582

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By Sleepy - United States - Apo

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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33187

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By Jason Brazil

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

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1624

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By Abeille - Canada

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

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By mettaton

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

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2211

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By Anonymous - United States

Simp

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

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26612

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By cperagui

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

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4401

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By Anonymous

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

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2715

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By Doesn't Matter Had Sex - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML

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25304

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By Anon - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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21145

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By ohmaigawd - Argentina

Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML

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47410

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By fucked five ways to friday - United States - Stayton

Today, someone sent my boss a CD full of documents for an upcoming trial. It's my job to sort through the evidence, so he gave it to me. I looked on the CD. There's only one file; a 1020-page PDF of all the documents we need, and the pages weren't scanned in order. FML

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33601

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2437

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By Swaby - Hong Kong

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

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64958

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

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45140

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By Dickhead - Lebanon

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

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14486

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By weddinggirl - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

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34336

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By Anonymous

Leg day

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

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606

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By suzanneallen - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in his car when things got hot and heavy and we decided to climb in the back. After we finished we started to put our clothes back just as a someone's brights flooded into the car. It was a cop, and he had been there the entire time. FML

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15088

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7668536 - Sunday 29 July 2018 2:20

I'm worried. You seem to be living such abject poverty that you accepted that your entire family can't afford toilet paper, before finding out it was a ruse. Are you really that poor, or does your mom just hide money in order to get her kids to behave a certain way?

Also... shit tickets?

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7674459 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:48

I'm just really happy that shit tickets seems to be catching on.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7668536 - Sunday 29 July 2018 2:20

wHSKitty | 11

#7674446 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:16

It’s in the urban dictionary. Some of these new slang terms are just stupid.

008GGG | 14

#7674512 - Friday 10 August 2018 17:12

‘Shit tickets’ is far from new. I first heard the term 20 years ago. The person I heard it from used it while in the Marines in Vietnam.

Charlie Given | 23

#7674671 - Friday 10 August 2018 21:50

It's as old as WW2 when people would use useless ration cards which were very thin and looked like large bus tickets, hence "shit tickets"

By TomeDr | 21

#7674434 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:02

Your mother is a genius!

By wHSKitty | 11

#7674445 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:15

Umm ... TMI!!!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7674451 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:23

Get him a bidet for his b-day?

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7674459 - Friday 10 August 2018 15:48

I'm just really happy that shit tickets seems to be catching on.

By Summaria | 10

#7674469 - Friday 10 August 2018 16:05

I feel like showering after every dump will cost more than buying toilet paper....

Lalala579121 | 27

#7674502 - Friday 10 August 2018 16:52

Yeah they just need to get one of those toilets that sprays your bum with water after you shit.

boopingsnoot | 23

#7674774 - Saturday 11 August 2018 4:58

A bidet! Wish I had one.

By chyiochan | 31

#7674562 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:10

You guys at least can afford a poop knife, right?

By Abbusser | 9

#7674565 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:15

I'll send you some. Only used once...

By carlgrimes47 | 13

#7674575 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:24

Couldn't she buy some and keep a secret stash, grabbing a few sheets before entering the bathroom? Your family could still use it and your brother be none the wiser.

By carlgrimes47 | 13

#7674576 - Friday 10 August 2018 18:24

Couldn't she buy some and keep a secret stash, grabbing a few sheets before entering the bathroom? Your family could still use it and your brother be none the wiser.