Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee.... - FML

By notnerb - 19/5/2009 10:13 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

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Oh, hai!

Nice neighborhood

A beautiful truck decoration

By littlefinger - 11/3/2014 16:11 - United States - Foley

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, I pulled a neck muscle while head-banging. I wasn't at a concert, and I'm not in a heavy metal band, but I do pretend that I am while I'm in the shower. FML

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By hitchhiked - 4/1/2012 06:28 - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

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By Satan - 15/3/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

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By Katz - 11/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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By actor my ass - 21/1/2012 22:44 - Canada

Today, trying to be romantic, I invited my girlfriend over to watch a movie. I said she could pick one up on the way, and I'd pay for it later. I ended up having to suffer through some "movie" that involved nothing but Nicolas Cage gurning like a stroke victim between crappy fight scenes. FML

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By sis - 19/2/2018 16:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - 3/3/2014 19:58 - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By LadySteph12 - 29/10/2009 00:53 - Canada

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

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By NosChersVoisins - 1/7/2014 04:55 - France - Bordeaux

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

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By metallifreak44 - 14/11/2011 13:37 - Canada

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2015 19:11

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2014 22:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

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By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 05:25 - United States - Astoria

Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML

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By phobopohobia - 6/2/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2012 12:03 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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By bob the builder - 8/11/2012 14:36 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2019 06:00

Looks

Today, my mom and dad were talking about how if I lost weight, I would be attractive and have guys all over me. My dad said, “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” It took me a while to realize they both think I’m ugly. FML

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By -__- - 27/12/2013 21:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By onionrings - 8/6/2015 00:53 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

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By Nice Melons - 29/9/2013 21:12 - United States

Today, at work as a cashier, I was scanning cantaloupes. The man buying them then looked me straight in the eye and said, "Nice melons." FML

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By mylifereallysuks - 8/11/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, I got an email from my cute teacher about reminding us to bring stuff for the next lesson. As a joke I clicked on reply and wrote about how I think he is so cute and handsome. Right then and there I clicked to go look at other messages. A little box came up..."MESSAGE SENT". FML

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By MrG - 12/10/2014 03:14 - United States

Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML

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By whattalife - 2/9/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

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By Facepalm - 15/8/2011 23:09 - United States

Today, my mom threw out years worth of trophies that I'd put tons of effort into earning. Her reason? They all looked the same to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 21:28 - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

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By SnuggieOverload - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML

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By Megan - 17/8/2012 07:30 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was doing my laundry and I saw a dollar bill at the bottom of the washer. I excitedly dove in to retrieve the money, and promptly hit and broke my nose on the washer. FML

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By Melting in Texas - 9/8/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

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By umm - 8/12/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

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By AAnonymous - 5/11/2014 13:57 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my ex sent me a pack of beer to screw with me. I'm still going to AA, and I thought I was almost over it. Five bottles later, I realized I'm not. We didn't break up over my drinking, either; it was because after just 2 weeks of dating, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't marry her. FML

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By Urinal Fresh - 2/3/2012 10:19 - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

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By The_Waffle - 14/5/2016 17:17 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

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By fml boy - 25/3/2019 02:00

Today, my 10k dirt bike stopped starting. I used it once and owned it for less than 24 hours. Later in the afternoon, I dropped my phone and it cracked. Later in the evening, I was walking in my room towards my bed in the dark and I stubbed my toe on my Pc and one of the panels fell off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2014 01:16 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML

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By everyoneheard - 28/3/2013 15:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was eating out with a group of friends and my boyfriend. During the meal, I accidentally took a sip from my male friend's glass. My boyfriend pointed and said, "Babe, you took his drink." My friend responded by putting his arm round me and saying, "Whatever, I took her virginity." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By No thanks - 11/12/2014 12:08 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer. He accidentally kicked the ball at my face and made me fall off the fence into mud. I laughed it off and got back on the fence. Two seconds later he did the same exact thing. I fell wrong and slammed my face into the fence. Pain. FML

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Top comments

By lucyford | 0

#211803 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:03

owned. you didn't... like, exchange photos beforehand?
oh, internet dating. what a waste of breathe.

By Engineer_Chick | 0

#211813 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:05

Don't most dating sites have a picture of yourself. Was it honest?

Comments

By NoKo_fml | 0

#211801 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:03

must be butt ugly then, FYL

Reply

Girreth | 7

#1435417 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 14:21

YDI for coffee-ing

By jasax1 | 0

#211802 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:03

That really sucks. :(

Reply

pooley | 0

#983037 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 14:44

because OP's ugly!

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3533310 - Thursday 3 November 2011 0:10

At least OP's beautiful on the inside

By lucyford | 0

#211803 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:03

owned. you didn't... like, exchange photos beforehand?
oh, internet dating. what a waste of breathe.

By suckerz | 0

#211807 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:03

FYL cuz you meet people on dating sites

Reply

DDbaconcrazy | 1

#3484157 - Monday 24 October 2011 23:17

Omg so true

By suaveneanderthal | 0

#211809 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:04

lol thats why you actually go out and meet people face to face first! go to a club or something damn don't just sit behind your computer all day and hope the right guy falls into your lap, because if he's online like you are then he's probably a loser just like you!

By pinkducttape | 0

#211812 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:04

he sounds materialistic. better luck with the next guy!

By Engineer_Chick | 0

#211813 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:05

Don't most dating sites have a picture of yourself. Was it honest?

By Devikarawr | 0

#211821 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:07

Wow, thats really mean of him!!

By jm88 | 0

#211840 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:13

Next time don't be dishonest with pictures.

Reply

Ifuckedthefeartu | 30

#6521048 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 6:32

You don't know for a fact if that was the case

By kscott88 | 0

#211845 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 20:14

Whatever, clearly not worth your time.