Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/08/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 990

You deserved it 46 075

Batman

Taking stock

Not such a happy ending

By Anonymous - 05/07/2015 05:42 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's been 3 days since I moved into my new house. I'm already known as the neighborhood racist, after some dicksplash thought it'd be funny to tape a sign to my door overnight that said: "DO NOT RING IF YOU ARE A NEGRO AND/OR JEW." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 475

You deserved it 2 524

By weeble_wobbles09 - 08/01/2010 05:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 409

You deserved it 25 721

By Noname - 23/02/2009 04:50 - United States

Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out, I grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 262

You deserved it 41 705

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 18:47 - United States - Indiana

Today, I got locked out of my car for an hour in frigid weather at a busy gas station. Every time I tried to use the key, the alarm went off and the locks wouldn't work. The car company claims they've never heard of this happening. I just bought it last week after taking out a 5 year loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 830

You deserved it 2 726

Roommates from hell

By Anonymous - 08/03/2021 08:01

Today, my brother and I were nearly made homeless by a good friend and roommate, because after repeatedly leading on my brother, and admitting she’s disrespected me all along, she and her boyfriend took off suddenly without a word of notice, leaving us to a house we can't afford alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 85

By TOOshort - 23/04/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 2 177

By VoodooPriestess - 04/07/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 661

You deserved it 144

By doggybag - 24/09/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 755

You deserved it 80 807

By noname - 04/01/2009 05:39 - France

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She went to try some clothes on and came out to ask for my opinion. "Hell no! That shirt is awful!". She wanted to show me the pants. The shirt was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 005

You deserved it 25 236

By Anonymous - 09/09/2014 16:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 685

You deserved it 4 118

By Brendan - 19/02/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 898

You deserved it 4 131

Not cool

By ash203 - 12/12/2009 21:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss's 13-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 278

You deserved it 50 114

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 663

You deserved it 67 813

By Why Me - 12/08/2015 13:50 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 330

You deserved it 2 859

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 18:16 - France

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 747

You deserved it 15 714

By Wife - 08/08/2011 00:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 368

You deserved it 6 622

Vampires are everywhere

By Anonymous - 30/08/2020 17:01 - United States - Columbus

Today, at 1:30 a.m., a big ass bat squeezed its nasty body through the bottom crack of the door. My sweet little Corgi cowered on the bed as the bat flew circles around my head. I'll be moving now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 343

You deserved it 195

By rabbitoncocaine - 20/04/2012 06:41 - Germany - Unterbreizbach

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 414

You deserved it 21 673

By comeuntome - 29/11/2012 19:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, it's the first day of my two-week stay at my in-laws' house. They forbid drinking, smoking, cursing, and anything even remotely sexual. I smuggled in my quietest toy to keep me sane in this holy house. If only I hadn't forgotten to bring the battery pack too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 881

You deserved it 29 718

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 123

You deserved it 8 711

By Forgotten One - 15/10/2009 11:11 - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 845

You deserved it 4 914

By IMAWAKE - 17/03/2014 19:07 - United States - Romulus

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 122

You deserved it 3 828

By uneek_3225 - 22/10/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 092

You deserved it 3 472

By BigSister - 13/09/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 965

You deserved it 3 383

By MAC. - 04/08/2012 09:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 037

You deserved it 5 864

By Shobz - 26/10/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 464

You deserved it 2 726

By Anonymous - 08/07/2011 15:46 - Belgium

Today, I went into hospital for knee surgery. When I awoke, I was surprised to find a bandage wrapped around my throbbing head. The nurse explained that a student observer had fainted in the operating room and his head had smashed against mine on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 381

You deserved it 2 679

By Unlucky. - 16/10/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 864

You deserved it 8 055

By Mothering - 11/07/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 109

You deserved it 12 544

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 09:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 910

You deserved it 2 500

Call an exorcist

By mazz - 26/10/2021 04:59

Today, as usual, without fail, every time I wake up earlier than 10 AM, I vomit blood. No doctor can figure out why, and my parents think I'm lying, spoiled little princess who just wants to be lazy and sleep in every day. If I don’t wake up at 6 AM every day from now on, I’m grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 137

You deserved it 109

Keep your distance

By Oddy - 17/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Today, I travelled by myself for the first time. I was seated next to a middle-aged man who was trying to convince me that I was his soulmate, kept touching my face and sniffing me. I'm 19 and it was a 6 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 182

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 29/08/2017 16:00

Today, I fell asleep on the way to a pool party and woke up covered in sharpie swastikas and dicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 329

You deserved it 1 062

By Username - 31/08/2011 07:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 329

You deserved it 59 848

By yrfavweapon - 02/07/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, after two hours, I finally got my very cranky, sick baby to fall asleep. Five minutes later, a neighbor started shooting off fireworks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 440

You deserved it 3 861

By Quirk - 29/10/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 186

You deserved it 7 025

Thanks, I hate it

By kkkk - 31/01/2011 15:44

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 450

You deserved it 2 959

By Anonymous - 07/04/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 790

You deserved it 53 545

By MoveOn! - 25/01/2017 20:00

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 126

You deserved it 284

Fucking Stevie T

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 08:01

Today, I was happy to take a break and do a guitar performance, but my teacher was the rudest ever. He had his guitar at the front row, playing while I was, and he played the song live with me just to confuse me, and ending up ruining the performance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 92

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:29

First of all, you shouldn't have even considered eating them if they are a place where people stick their asses, second of all, its pretty obvious when something has legs. You're a dumb ass through and through.

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:18

Oh dude, FYL. That's fucked up.

Comments

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:18

Oh dude, FYL. That's fucked up.

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Sunday 23 August 2009 5:25

Lawsuit? Isn't that like a health violation...

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Sunday 23 August 2009 7:27

you're telling me you couldn't tell the difference between oreo crumbs and an insect? Seriously... this is so fake and not even funny. How did this make it past the voting?

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Monday 19 April 2010 20:44

dude_stfu, stfu

inconvienentgurl 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:19

ok ewwww that sux...hope u dont get sick :(

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Friday 9 April 2010 22:15

don't eat crumbs off your couch then

gurlthatwalks 0

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Wednesday 30 June 2010 6:57

YDI for having a couch

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:20

umm ewww? shouldnt of even touched the "crumbs" anyway

rockyhorrorshow 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:21

Yeah, it's kinda nasty to eat food that's been in places where your butt has been. :/

xxorganizedmess 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:21

So what they should have left the crumbs on the couch forever? Eating them was definitely overboard, but OP has to get them out somehow.

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Sunday 23 August 2009 7:39

They could've swept them off the couch and thrown them out like any person not hellbent on getting maximum enjoyment out of the Oreo they just ate would. That was a shitty sentence, but it gets the job done.

repyourcliche 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:26

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE EATEN THEM? oh lord, YDI for being... a gannet.

chippa 24

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:35

She ate what she thought were crumbs because she JUST ate oreos. Don't you ever eat something, drop a crumb, pick it up immediately and eat it?

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:55

Eh. Not really. Not when I'm on my couch at least. Maybe a visibly clean table.

curryndricegirll 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 4:45

well...obviously the couch wasn't sanitary if it had bugs crawling all over it from all of the crumbs she's leaving

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:29

First of all, you shouldn't have even considered eating them if they are a place where people stick their asses, second of all, its pretty obvious when something has legs. You're a dumb ass through and through.

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:30

HAHA this rules. literally made me laugh out loud

sheknowsherway 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:36

YDI... were they not moving? either way, dead or alive, that's gross that you have bugs living and dying on your couch and not noticing it... and to stick it in your mouth.

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:38

LOL. Very funny! As a parent, I can totally sympathize with moving crumbs!

cams_bleeblee 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:38

"that's gross that you have bugs living and dying on your couch" HAHAHAHAHHAHA best comment ever.

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:41

Are you such a fatty that the Oreos were not enough, and you had to suck up the crumbs on your couch, as well? Really?

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:44

maybe op wasnt paying attention and just had the munchies, ever thought of that dickweed?

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Sunday 25 September 2011 4:54

Seriously? That's really rude. You don't even know this person. Respect her.

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Thursday 1 December 2011 16:32

I found it hilarious. Who eats crumbs from a couch?!?!

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 10

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 1 017

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 1 163