Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Nice day, innit?

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

Time wasted

Today, my parents made a list of all the things they could have done had I not been born. FML

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

Today, I realized my Internet addiction had gone too far when I tried to Google what was in my freezer. FML

Snooping

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

It's the final countdown

Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML