Miscellaneous: Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10584

You deserved it

42531

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Bad news

Non-baby fever

Blender time!

By Laptop - France

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31637

You deserved it

3710

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18094

You deserved it

36269

Favorite

By what - United States

Today, while shopping, a few giggling girls came up to me and asked why I was wearing a dress in public. Highly confused, I didn't answer. When they walked away laughing, I realized they thought I was a man. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37365

You deserved it

4143

Favorite

By awkward. - United States

Today, I found out that my new boss at my job is the same guy that I turned down repeatedly last night at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57807

You deserved it

4603

Favorite

By RetroDayDreamer - United States

Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38275

You deserved it

28717

Favorite

By Monagro - United States - New York

Great plan. Solid.

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3928

You deserved it

373

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23111

You deserved it

2719

Favorite

By bbedlock - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51209

You deserved it

19149

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1414

You deserved it

185

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31271

You deserved it

2598

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, asking if I had left my underwear over at his place. No, no I didn't. They weren't mine. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30198

You deserved it

2095

Favorite

By Dead_Fox - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34704

You deserved it

3842

Favorite

By ThanksMom - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

13463

You deserved it

1296

Favorite

By Username

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

I agree, your life sucks

54712

You deserved it

10641

Favorite

By cl4ptp - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29068

You deserved it

7634

Favorite

By heytherexo - United States

Today, while showering, my 3 year old son comes to the bathroom and puts on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterward, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41849

You deserved it

93088

Favorite

By Joe - United States - Coalgate

Today, I started my new job at a fragrance store. While training, the manager had me smell all of the scents to become familiar with the products. Before my shift was over, I'd had three asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25168

You deserved it

5711

Favorite

By Anonymous - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26539

You deserved it

3475

Favorite

By Hairball - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36499

You deserved it

3145

Favorite

By sninapeters - United States

Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11435

You deserved it

36936

Favorite

By lovehurts - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18796

You deserved it

57470

Favorite

By fuck you, gran - United States - Ashland

Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31984

You deserved it

4055

Favorite

By Dude - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62450

You deserved it

2925

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58205

You deserved it

6972

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Roseville

Today, I was helping my mom look for some money she'd misplaced. At my wit's end, I flipped through her diary, in case she'd hidden it between the pages as she has before. Didn't find the money, but I did find out she might well be cheating on my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43294

You deserved it

8266

Favorite

By BarbieKen - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41020

You deserved it

63115

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partners 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I try the dress on and instantly the stitching rips and leaves two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5679

You deserved it

1963

Favorite

By deargodwhy - 4/9/2020 10:03

Throwing shade

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1058

You deserved it

729

Favorite

By silent one - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27190

You deserved it

2995

Favorite

By MouseLover.. - United States

Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

10721

You deserved it

6205

Favorite

By Sad Sally - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33581

You deserved it

2954

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 23:02

Which part of pandemic don't you understand?

Today, after quarantining for 2 weeks so I could spend Christmas with my parents, they went over to see a COVID hoaxer/Trump-supporting neighbor, and spent an hour inside with him, without wearing masks. I'm a nurse, working with cancer patients. They don't understand why I'm upset, and are angry that I'm leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1192

You deserved it

213

Favorite

By oh no - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13053

You deserved it

3041

Favorite

By Bleach dat Blood

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25934

You deserved it

3728

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45381

You deserved it

3926

Favorite

By ChangMu - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39308

You deserved it

7459

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35276

You deserved it

63315

Favorite

By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31038

You deserved it

5109

Favorite

By Tickettoride - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43954

You deserved it

16218

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 23:00

Non-baby fever

Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1547

You deserved it

227

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By ThatEmoBoy | 26

#7566159 - Monday 20 November 2017 20:53

we've all been there.

COMMENTS

By ThatEmoBoy | 26

#7566159 - Monday 20 November 2017 20:53

we've all been there.