Geek: Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days. I flipped it open ready to issue apologies to everyone who had tried to get in touch with me and I had worried. No missed calls. FML

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Geek

Instadrama

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

No justice

By BFfail - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 07:58 - United States - Redmond

Denied

Today, my girlfriend, who live 30 minutes away, asked me over late at night. When I got there, she turned me around and kicked me out because she "wasn’t feeling it." I’m 29 and still a virgin. FML

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By Dry

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

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By lily

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By SlappyMcGee - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By unwanted - Australia

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

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By concom - Cyprus

Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher's wrist. FML

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By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By kylie - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Pavarotti next door

Today, I had to hear my neighbor whine again through the walls because he can't talk in a quiet voice. You can hear him from across the street, and that's before he gets drunk. FML

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By gr8

Today, because I had to leave the country without notice and didn't have reception to notify my college, I have been irreversibly dropped from all my classes without a refund and will have to reapply for January. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

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By TheStressComesFree - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that I have to apply to keep the job that I've held for the past two years. There are so many other applicants that it's basically a free-for-all. FML

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By FastTurtle9 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML

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By Joey Soprano - 18/8/2020 02:06

Bad boys, bad boys…

Today, I went to the DMV today and sat in line for over 6 hours to renew my driver's license. Even though with the pandemic, it's been extended to New Year's Eve but I decided to get it done and over with. I get called up to finish everything, only to find out my license is suspended. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

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By Kerkie - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

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By ohmigodimchokin - United States

Today, I was sitting at lunch and started choking on a chip. I couldn't breathe and nobody tried to help me. Having to take matters into my own hands, I reached for a juice box that belonged to someone sitting next to me. After I could breathe again, they informed me that they had mono. FML

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By NotoriousSRJ - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

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By Barry Wom

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

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By jazzyfizzle - United States

Acting 101

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 08:00

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

The cliché is true

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

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By mommysgirlapparently - United States

Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML

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By Tanny

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

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By dumbass1991 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

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By micheal - United States

Today, while I was delivering pizza in the torrential downpour, I waited 5 minutes in the pouring rain for an old lady to dig 20 bucks out of her purse. Her total was $19.99. She told me to keep the change and make lots of money. FML

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By WTFiswrongwithme

Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures

Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML

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By Ma.Sa.La. - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

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By Why Me - United States - Seattle

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML

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Top comments

By blondebabycakes | 0

#117611 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

I know how you feel:)

By herb517 | 0

#117615 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

unfortunate. maybe you should be a better friend...or at least get some good weed...then youll have lots of friends XFD

COMMENTS

By purplestuff_fml | 0

#117573 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:19

Not really a FML but atleast you found your phone

xPedobear | 0

#1287655 - Monday 23 August 2010 3:05

So what... no one called you in 3 days this isn't an FML think of all the kids with cancer

patriotsfan12 | 4

#5311082 - Sunday 6 January 2013 9:17

Who still has a flip phone?

tyr33s3 | 8

#5954916 - Saturday 24 May 2014 16:13

It's from 2009

By BaldOuting | 0

#117577 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:20

awww that's always so sad when that happens.

By FML_x2 | 0

#117608 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:25

You've got some great friends.

By blondebabycakes | 0

#117611 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

I know how you feel:)

Neonnight | 0

#3621009 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 19:42

I hate that, it's so sad when u open ur phone and no response whatsoever :P

By noName123456 | 0

#117614 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

ha that sucks

By herb517 | 0

#117615 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

unfortunate. maybe you should be a better friend...or at least get some good weed...then youll have lots of friends XFD

By rakhil11 | 7

#117624 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:28

i never get calls on my cell. so HA!

(i wouldn't even care that i lost my cell phone i never use it anyhoo so...)

redsox4021 | 0

#980806 - Saturday 17 April 2010 6:49

#8 we figured that from your homo anime profile pic you fuck

By kellster | 2

#117629 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:29

Aw, that sucks. But at least you got your phone back!

By nakke | 0

#117631 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:29

Don't your friends use the internet? Unless you're used to getting tens of calls daily I don't see how this can be a FML.

NinjaAssasin720 | 0

#4993017 - Monday 1 October 2012 22:15

I agree

By Chanty90 | 0

#117635 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:30

I can relate >_