Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days. I flipped it open ready to issue apologies to everyone who had tried to get in touch with me and I had worried. No missed calls. FML

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Geek

DINOSAURS!!

British Broadcasting Corporation

Ghosted

By bm128902 - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was going around saying that she tries to give time off to the other managers so they can spend time with their family and significant others. She looked at me and said she doesn't for me because I have no one special to spend time with. FML

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By 19collegestudentandpregant - United States - Loretto

Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

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By littlelia

Mirror, mirror…

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

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By - 10/2/2020 18:00

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By Dancing King - Norway - Egersund

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye 7 years of friendship. FML

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By Anonymous

Monday Morning Blues

Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML

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1874

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 03:30

Superanty Man

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

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By AFH2O - United States - Visalia

Today, I got chewed out by a parent for putting her kid underwater. I teach swim lessons. FML

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46417

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By Anna - Estonia

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2020 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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2203

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By Nofreeride

Today, after arguing with my husband over who needed the car more, I thought he clearly won. As the loser, I spent the day walking everywhere. Later, I learned that he thought I'd won and left the car in our apartment parking garage for me while he took the bus to work. FML

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By Indigo_Kitten - United States

Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML

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By TheGirl - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt a slobberly substance running down my face. It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML

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42110

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By afather - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

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37581

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By jamerz

Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML

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2284

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By anonymous

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML

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29589

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By Dean Heffern

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill". He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

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44669

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By crushed - United States

Today, I was hanging with my boyfriend and when his mom came to pick him up, he introduced me. She talked to me politely and i thought we hit it off very well. As I was walking away I hear her say "That's your new girlfriend? Honey, you could do so much better". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

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1585

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

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By notyourmummy - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

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By beat10 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I came home from a long shift at work to find that my roommate had completely rearranged all of the furniture. Apparently the new arrangement is supposed to improve the feng shui of our apartment. My bed is in the living room. FML

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By justinherass - Canada

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML

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By wellhellothere - United States

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

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34872

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Joseph

Bad, bad, bad

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

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51269

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

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29539

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By Duellist

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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4349

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By nottoosmall - United States

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

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By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

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By FBI1236 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I finally stood up for myself and beat the crap out of a bully at school, as my father told me to do. The kid and I were called to the principal's office, along with our parents. Inside my father's smirk faded when he saw that the kid's mom was his boss. FML

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2157

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By lonely - United States

Today, I posted on my Facebook wall that I'd gotten into a huge bar fight and had the shit kicked out of me, all to avoid having to tell the truth, namely that I'd stayed home all night because nobody invited me out to party. FML

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By Grandson - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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Top comments

By blondebabycakes | 0

#117611 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

I know how you feel:)

By herb517 | 0

#117615 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

unfortunate. maybe you should be a better friend...or at least get some good weed...then youll have lots of friends XFD

COMMENTS

By purplestuff_fml | 0

#117573 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:19

Not really a FML but atleast you found your phone

xPedobear | 0

#1287655 - Monday 23 August 2010 3:05

So what... no one called you in 3 days this isn't an FML think of all the kids with cancer

patriotsfan12 | 4

#5311082 - Sunday 6 January 2013 9:17

Who still has a flip phone?

tyr33s3 | 8

#5954916 - Saturday 24 May 2014 16:13

It's from 2009

By BaldOuting | 0

#117577 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:20

awww that's always so sad when that happens.

By FML_x2 | 0

#117608 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:25

You've got some great friends.

By blondebabycakes | 0

#117611 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

I know how you feel:)

Neonnight | 0

#3621009 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 19:42

I hate that, it's so sad when u open ur phone and no response whatsoever :P

By noName123456 | 0

#117614 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

ha that sucks

By herb517 | 0

#117615 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:26

unfortunate. maybe you should be a better friend...or at least get some good weed...then youll have lots of friends XFD

By rakhil11 | 7

#117624 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:28

i never get calls on my cell. so HA!

(i wouldn't even care that i lost my cell phone i never use it anyhoo so...)

redsox4021 | 0

#980806 - Saturday 17 April 2010 6:49

#8 we figured that from your homo anime profile pic you fuck

By kellster | 2

#117629 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:29

Aw, that sucks. But at least you got your phone back!

By nakke | 0

#117631 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:29

Don't your friends use the internet? Unless you're used to getting tens of calls daily I don't see how this can be a FML.

NinjaAssasin720 | 0

#4993017 - Monday 1 October 2012 22:15

I agree

By Chanty90 | 0

#117635 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:30

I can relate >_