Work: Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would... - FML

By ShakenNotStirred - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

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Kids

Our House

Music nerds of the world unite!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

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By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

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By superstar - United States

Today, I was at work at Panera. A blind woman came in, ordered and said other blind people were going to come in soon, because they were having a meeting. Later, a man comes in and ask if any other blind people had showed up. I told him there was just one in here wearing a blue shirt. FML

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By doomed - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 09:38 - India

The cringe is real

Today, I was excited for my very first oral sex session. Didn't imagine that the guy would bite everywhere like a beaver trying to be sexy and leave without even cuddling. Definitely didn't match the long sexts. FML

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By noway - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

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By poop

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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By shiznit - United States

Technique

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

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By adopteddd - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ossining

Today, we buried my mom. I walked past my sister's husband just in time to hear him mutter: "Hope the fire's nice and hot down there, you old hag." I told my sister. She wouldn't believe me and accused me of trying to start drama. FML

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By nick2.0 - United States

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

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By neverdoingthatagain - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

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By RetailScapegoat

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

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By eemp - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By fiftyno - United States - Tacoma

Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

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By Loki16 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

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By RachelDC - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

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By unfortunatelyunlucky - United States

Today, while parked at school, someone broke into my car by smashing the window. I called the police and they informed me I could drive it to the local station as it was an easy 2 minute drive. As I was driving there, I got pulled over for driving with a smashed window. FML

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By heshay - United States

Today, my boyfriend was seated in my section at work. As he sees me his face drops... he's on a date. He had forgotten I work there. I had to serve him and his date, and they didn't leave a tip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

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By tvaladie - United States

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

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By Socklessandsmelly - United States

Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

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By BirthdayBoy - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

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By wallamanut - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML

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By ET - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By Z88 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

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By stanky - United States

Today, I was hanging out with this guy I've been trying to get for four months. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked out, glad that I was quiet about it. Ten minutes later, my mom walks out of the same bathroom and goes "Honey, you need to spray after you make a stinky" FML

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By rokkstarrrVRV - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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Top comments

By Ravensmoon666 | 19

#5750833 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

What a jackass. I hope you're okay OP

By perdix | 29

#5750880 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:29

Tell him that dipping his hair in the drink isn't good enough entertainment to get freebies.

Pour the whole drink on his head, and then give him a free one. Now, that's entertainment!

COMMENTS

By Ravensmoon666 | 19

#5750833 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

What a jackass. I hope you're okay OP

Reply

killuhand | 12

#5750901 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:45

I think op's okay, but if op was stirred on the other hand..

Reply

ja2006 | 9

#5750904 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:49

In his defense, he was trying to make poly juice potion (coffee flavor)...with his own hair...it was an experiment to see if he would turn into himself...for 30 mins....and then turn back into himself...forever.

Reply

imyy | 20

#5751129 - Monday 11 November 2013 20:50

That was definitely a terrible thing for him to do - glad you called him on it, he obviously just wanted a free drink. Liars never win :-)

By ziy_fml | 15

#5750834 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

Lol!! Well then he sure tried for a freebie

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#5750893 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:40

That was the FML, 2. We can read.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5750930 - Monday 11 November 2013 17:30

I can't read. I can spell perfectly fine though.

By Mrsoupinmytummy | 1

#5750836 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

The way people are now and days...

By aoc123 | 8

#5750837 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:00

I just don't understand why that would even be something he would do?

By ervnomyous | 15

#5750838 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:00

People these days…

By Turrence | 9

#5750839 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:00

What a jackass.

By timetoeat | 3

#5750847 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:02

Some poor people just want to watch the world burn.

Reply

misspulkadot24 | 17

#5750875 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:25

He just wanted a free drink. No world burning here!

By paulpring | 9

#5750854 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:07

It is sad coz people actually do it to get free stuff

Reply

ImAFaker | 29

#5751292 - Monday 11 November 2013 23:34

That is what this FML is saying...

By FrankHotpants | 30

#5750868 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:15

If he was drunk then just take his drink, turn around for a bit and hand it back to him.

Reply

SmittyKick | 18

#5751121 - Monday 11 November 2013 20:40

What exactly did that accomplish?

Reply

claiiire_fml | 17

#5751690 - Tuesday 12 November 2013 7:47

Making the drunk customer think the bartender made him a new drink.

By TyT63 | 12

#5750872 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:20

downvotes...downvotes everywhere