Work: Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would... - FML

By ShakenNotStirred - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

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Serious times

Dangling modifier

Mystery

By McKenna - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By brentkd - United States

Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML

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By seriouslylife?

Today, I was shopping at a store that hires disabled people as baggers. This is totally awesome and I love the practice, but this autistic bagger yelled out the name of every product he bagged, including "TAMPONS!" and "CONDOMS!" One of my middle school students was in the next checkout line videoing it. FML

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By Mr. Hopeless - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2020 17:08

Motormouth

Today, my boyfriend and I were riding in the back seat of his mom’s car and she kept talking at him non-stop. He responded only in grunts. When at some point I informed her that her son had been asleep for several minutes, she just kept on talking to him anyway. FML

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By footstuck - United States - Winterville

Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pass Christian

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try some "prolonging gel" to help him last longer between the sheets. Surprisingly, it worked, and he lasted 3 times longer than usual. I can now enjoy 4 whole minutes of sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I sneezed incredibly hard while eating a granola bar. 5 hours later, it's still hellishly painful to swallow. Please kill me. FML

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By nickyniknaim93 - United States

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

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By leeseyxoxo - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

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By bucollegegirl - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By ohgod. - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By Saradee - United States - Inglewood

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

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By fihifgni210 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous

With any luck, it'll be canceled

Today, I found out that my friends finally scheduled their wedding. The entire friend group of the groom, which I am part of, is in the wedding. Except me. If I go I’ll have to watch my boyfriend, who is a groomsman, walk down the aisle with one of the bride’s friends on his arm while I sit alone. FML

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By Pooping - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, while I was at work, a coworker began ranting about his theory that the government is going to create a disease that sterilises everyone, and use the antidote to control the population. I was just trying to take a crap in the stall next to him. FML

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By AnAngryyGiraffe - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my 32-year-old boyfriend of 4 years pick his nose and eat it. The booger in question was attached to his nose and he sucked it out spaghetti-style. He then tried to kiss me. I still feel my stomach churning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought a friend who I have loved for years out to a nice restaurant for dinner. I ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and poured each of us a glass. As I was about to tell her I loved her, she raised her glass for a toast and said "A toast to friendship!" FML

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By Ishnar - 2/2/2021 05:01 - United States

PMS PSA

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

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By RestlessDiesel - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

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By guest - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend that said, "I love you." Thinking this meant he'd changed his mind about breaking up with me less than 24 hours before, I replied back excitedly. Turns out that was a text sent last weekend that didn't go through until now. What great timing. FML

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By GladYoureConcerned - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

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By someonesomething - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By Extravirgin - Germany - Munich

Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML

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By wolfpacking - France

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist pumping. We hit a bump, I fist pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

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By damnitsam

Today, while making lunch, I passed out. After waking up in the hospital, my brother yelled at me for leaving the freezer open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

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By CantPublish - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By deardaughter - Australia

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

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By Insomnia

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

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By jill - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

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By StinkyandStupid - United States

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

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By Becoming a commuter. - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

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By EyeSeeYou - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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By bluntedone - United States

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

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Top comments

By Ravensmoon666 | 19

#5750833 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

What a jackass. I hope you're okay OP

By perdix | 29

#5750880 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:29

Tell him that dipping his hair in the drink isn't good enough entertainment to get freebies.

Pour the whole drink on his head, and then give him a free one. Now, that's entertainment!

COMMENTS

By Ravensmoon666 | 19

#5750833 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

What a jackass. I hope you're okay OP

Reply

killuhand | 12

#5750901 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:45

I think op's okay, but if op was stirred on the other hand..

Reply

ja2006 | 9

#5750904 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:49

In his defense, he was trying to make poly juice potion (coffee flavor)...with his own hair...it was an experiment to see if he would turn into himself...for 30 mins....and then turn back into himself...forever.

Reply

imyy | 20

#5751129 - Monday 11 November 2013 20:50

That was definitely a terrible thing for him to do - glad you called him on it, he obviously just wanted a free drink. Liars never win :-)

By ziy_fml | 15

#5750834 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

Lol!! Well then he sure tried for a freebie

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#5750893 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:40

That was the FML, 2. We can read.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5750930 - Monday 11 November 2013 17:30

I can't read. I can spell perfectly fine though.

By Mrsoupinmytummy | 1

#5750836 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:59

The way people are now and days...

By aoc123 | 8

#5750837 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:00

I just don't understand why that would even be something he would do?

By ervnomyous | 15

#5750838 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:00

People these days…

By Turrence | 9

#5750839 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:00

What a jackass.

By timetoeat | 3

#5750847 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:02

Some poor people just want to watch the world burn.

Reply

misspulkadot24 | 17

#5750875 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:25

He just wanted a free drink. No world burning here!

By paulpring | 9

#5750854 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:07

It is sad coz people actually do it to get free stuff

Reply

ImAFaker | 29

#5751292 - Monday 11 November 2013 23:34

That is what this FML is saying...

By FrankHotpants | 30

#5750868 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:15

If he was drunk then just take his drink, turn around for a bit and hand it back to him.

Reply

SmittyKick | 18

#5751121 - Monday 11 November 2013 20:40

What exactly did that accomplish?

Reply

claiiire_fml | 17

#5751690 - Tuesday 12 November 2013 7:47

Making the drunk customer think the bartender made him a new drink.

By TyT63 | 12

#5750872 - Monday 11 November 2013 16:20

downvotes...downvotes everywhere