By RawrSparkle - United States - Davis Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML I agree, your life sucks 26988 You deserved it 14246 185 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By M - United Kingdom Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML I agree, your life sucks 9045 You deserved it 43249 129 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Cape Coral Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML I agree, your life sucks 33501 You deserved it 41724 175 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Karmaisabitch - United States - Boulder Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML I agree, your life sucks 8242 You deserved it 53096 118 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML I agree, your life sucks 1780 You deserved it 171 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Helseac Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML I agree, your life sucks 2626 You deserved it 417 19 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By thathottchickk - United States Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML I agree, your life sucks 30225 You deserved it 3677 92 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Nxydolli - United Kingdom Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML I agree, your life sucks 20117 You deserved it 56266 306 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By TheSentinel05 - 8/7/2020 05:00 You should know! Today, my mom screamed at me for not cleaning out the coffee machine. When I told her that wasn’t part of my chores and she never asked me to do it, she screamed at me for not doing it out of the kindness of my heart. FML I agree, your life sucks 1416 You deserved it 356 7 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Chester Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML I agree, your life sucks 40826 You deserved it 9699 160 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By AKN - United States Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML I agree, your life sucks 24413 You deserved it 3095 53 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By dan - United States - Phoenix Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML I agree, your life sucks 56167 You deserved it 15313 117 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By mandie - United States Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML I agree, your life sucks 28360 You deserved it 2526 86 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Stamford Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML I agree, your life sucks 5740 You deserved it 270 15 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By anikah - United States - Natchitoches Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML I agree, your life sucks 53660 You deserved it 5595 184 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Username - United States Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML I agree, your life sucks 32827 You deserved it 2921 57 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Rowaelin16 - United States - Chicago Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML I agree, your life sucks 18794 You deserved it 1451 63 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus or blowing blood. FML I agree, your life sucks 32324 You deserved it 3029 87 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By R_Horsefeet - Netherlands Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML I agree, your life sucks 18911 You deserved it 1728 32 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By dammit - United States Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML I agree, your life sucks 42269 You deserved it 4363 140 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By shibs - Australia - Hurstville Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML I agree, your life sucks 23189 You deserved it 1828 61 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By MY CAR - United States Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML I agree, your life sucks 24814 You deserved it 11082 145 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By snowmon06 Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML I agree, your life sucks 14000 You deserved it 1627 33 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By chichi - United States Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML I agree, your life sucks 29919 You deserved it 3453 35 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Canada Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML I agree, your life sucks 95482 You deserved it 3433 125 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML I agree, your life sucks 31357 You deserved it 3563 98 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By sari14 - United States Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML I agree, your life sucks 27076 You deserved it 5007 85 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Bedminster Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML I agree, your life sucks 28294 You deserved it 4304 147 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Tom Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML I agree, your life sucks 42163 You deserved it 3575 146 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Sugar - United Kingdom Today, British Telecom disconnected my landline by mistake. Their call centre in India tried to reach me. Result, they spoke to an unknown gentleman, who told them he didn't need a phone line at my address. Reconnection in 2 business days. FML I agree, your life sucks 24509 You deserved it 2254 32 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By RetailScapegoat Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML I agree, your life sucks 4429 You deserved it 254 18 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By facepalm - United States Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML I agree, your life sucks 36166 You deserved it 3107 88 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Jane - United States - Beaver Falls Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML I agree, your life sucks 14715 You deserved it 3008 123 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By 2old4thiscrap - United States Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML I agree, your life sucks 18544 You deserved it 37107 31 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Glen Ellyn Today, an old friend of mine texted me, saying we should hang out. I thought it was really sweet and was excited to see her again, until she realized that she was texting the wrong person, and canceled our plans immediately. FML I agree, your life sucks 20426 You deserved it 1321 29 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By C2 - Australia Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML I agree, your life sucks 29265 You deserved it 3115 31 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 23:01 Alternative medicine is bull Today, when my neighbor came over to ask about a serious rash her child had, she totally passed by me, the EMT/firefighter, to ask the hippy pastry chef what she thought of it, and if she had oils to "cure" it. So much for my job. FML I agree, your life sucks 983 You deserved it 171 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By awesome - United States Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML I agree, your life sucks 9305 You deserved it 81087 310 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By laststand11 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff It's all in the timing Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML I agree, your life sucks 30943 You deserved it 2476 82 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By MaySheRestinPeace - 6/3/2020 15:00 With friends like these… Today, a friend asked me to cover his shift at work because his grandmother died. Like any decent friend, I obliged. Later, after leaving, I walked by a bar and saw him inside, laughing and doing shots with all of our friends. FML I agree, your life sucks 1930 You deserved it 131 10 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML I agree, your life sucks 20 You deserved it 31 0 Comments
Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML I agree, your life sucks 201 You deserved it 52 2 Comments