When it&#039;s cold outside

Today, after volleyball practice, I noticed my pants were missing. Now I have to go to work wearing spandex bottoms, all because one of my teammates is a thieving douche. FML

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There's no helping some people

Our house, in the middle of our street

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By Rimmy Jobs - United States

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Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

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Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

By RonnieG - United States - Orlando

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Today, I had to reprimand an employee for her bad attitude and terrible work performance. She went to HR and said I harassed her for being gay. Guess who they believed. FML

By bad boss

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Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

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Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

By Flicker - Australia

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Today, I fell asleep on the couch. My parents didn't wake me up, went to bed and set our burglar alarm. If I trip a motion sensor, a siren will go off. The motion sensor in my living room is pointed directly at me and I have to pee. It's been 2 hours. FML

By anonymous - United States - Levittown

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Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML

By ZAS - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I was in a good mood for once and my professor looks at me and says, "I don't know what you ate for breakfast but you're really annoying today." FML

By anonymous - United States - Roanoke

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Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United Stated - Portland

Stormy weather

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Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

By Dweeb

WOOF!

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Today, I was called a horrible excuse for a mother just for buying formula for my baby. I just don’t produce any milk of my own. FML

By samantha - 9/3/2021 16:59

Judgmental people are the worst

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Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

By jackson - United States

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Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

By purple - United States - Katy

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Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

By chee - United States

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Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

By Olihime - United Kingdom

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Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

By Janie - United States

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Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

New revelation

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Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

By cigarettes - United States

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Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

By graveyard-sh*t

Oh, hi Sharon!

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Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

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Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

By Cano951 - United States

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Today, I found a baby squirrel on the pavement and thought I'd try and rescue it. While I googled what to do, it started running around. I tried to grab it, but it ran straight into the path of a car. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Norwich

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Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

By Noname - United States

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Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

By SquishFish

Big nope

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Today, I was telling my new boyfriend some of my funny family stories. He gave me the most concerned look and asked honestly, “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Apparently the stories I told him not only weren’t funny, but pretty damn scary to him. Now he thinks I’m crazy. FML

By trauma is hilarious - 31/10/2020 17:59 - United States

CPTSD

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Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

By luceeloo

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Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

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Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Columbia City

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Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

By Celeste - Singapore

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Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML

By Lea - Denmark

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Today, I went to the ER because of an intensely heavy flow. They kept me waiting so long that, although I was wearing a super absorbent tampon and a pad, I still bled through three times. When I was finally seen, the doctor said, "Try using a higher absorbency and follow up with your regular physician." FML

By fuauntflo - 7/7/2020 17:01

Thanks, I'm cured!

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Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

By hatestomove - United States

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Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

By LanaStidolph

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