When it&#039;s cold outside

Today, after 3 years of unemployment and 6 months of hard studying, I found out I hadn't actually registered myself for the public service exam that will happen later this month and could finally get me a job. FML

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True hero

By - 12/1/2017 20:00

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Today, I met a cute guy for coffee. Everything was going fine, right up until he started telling me about his alien encounters and super psychic powers. FML

By Ltl_Dust_Bunny - 23/3/2009 07:36 - United States

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Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML

By prego - 13/4/2012 14:15 - United States - Sterling Heights

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Today, it's been two days and my girlfriend still won't talk to me. Why? Because she made out with a mutual friend at a party, and got mad at me for thinking it was hot rather than being jealous. FML

By huskynick - 18/6/2020 05:05

Kinky

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Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 19:00 - United States - Point Pleasant Beach

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Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2013 18:21 - Canada - Grand Falls

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Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

By dad - 29/6/2009 16:38 - United States

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Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

By Imgonnahaveabf - 5/1/2012 12:06 - United States

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Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

By sometingwong - 1/12/2011 20:32 - United States

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Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

By lectro - 24/11/2008 06:08 - France

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Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

By holyshart - 5/6/2012 09:03 - United States

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Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

By SilverZephyr - 16/1/2015 12:49 - United States - Marion

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Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything by myself. Determined to prove her wrong I attempted to install the AC that I had neglected to put in for the past month. While placing it on the window it fell through landing on her prized roses and breaking into pieces. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 04:55 - United States

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Today, my 6-year-old brother showed me the "books" he's been writing for the past week. My parents, who are first-generation immigrants, want him to take the books to school to show everyone. My only problem with this? The main character's name is "Wanker". FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2014 21:41 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, it's been a few days since I decided to give this girl I like the silent treatment.I've been writing on/off with her for a few weeks, but decided to stop a bit, to seem mysterious. When I logged on Facebook today, her status was "..is so happy that annoying guy has stopped writing to me!" FML

By jake - 27/6/2009 21:11 - Denmark

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Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

By hardwarekit - 31/10/2014 14:27 - United States - Fairport

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Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

By unsatisfying - 28/10/2010 05:05 - Australia

Countdown

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Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML

By fuck florida - 16/5/2014 19:26 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

By facingit - 8/11/2010 10:32 - Australia

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Today, while I was cutting myself some watermelon, my mom walked in. I could tell she hadn't taken her medication in a while because she freaked out, grabbed the knife, and burst into tears before yelling at me, saying I could have cut myself and bled out. FML

By need my own place - 24/10/2015 23:24 - United States

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Today, I went on a first date, where my date managed to fall in a creek, take me to his house and measure my height, show me family pictures, and perform the Soulja Boy dance in his living room. All while wearing swim trunks because his pants were drying and he didn't have extras. FML

By gedderdunn - 24/5/2010 06:13 - Reserved

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Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

By ZombieGirl0417 - 30/9/2015 21:13 - United States - Jupiter

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Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2010 09:16 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

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Today, my husband and I got into an argument over him not brushing his teeth. It ended with him snapping his toothbrush in half. He's 52. FML

By ToddlersWife - 15/6/2014 11:10 - United Kingdom - Reading

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Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

By NotTheFavoriteChild - 3/4/2016 16:53

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Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

By arctic1 - 27/5/2009 09:45 - United States

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Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

By Anonymous - 30/5/2019 00:01

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Today, at work, we were told by Wells Fargo that we'll be training our foreign replacements from India. After we train them, we're gone. FML

By Wells Fargo Worker - 18/5/2018 19:00

Well shit.

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Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

By fmfl - 17/11/2009 21:19 - United States

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Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

By lonelyheart4ever - 13/8/2016 01:58 - United States - Norman Park

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Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

By - 15/2/2020 01:00

Too stupid

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Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 06:33 - United States

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Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

By Nickname - 28/7/2011 02:02 - United States

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Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

By iNearlyHurled - 28/9/2012 08:24 - United States

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Today, I was Skyping with this kid, when his girlfriend started arguing with him. They do this every other week, and there was a bet on when they'd finally break up. I egged the guy on and told him not to take her shit. She ended up dumping him. Now I feel like an asshole, and all for a lousy $20. FML

By c*nt - 13/4/2012 23:14 - Canada - London

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Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

By Fatty1970 - 23/5/2011 01:33 - United States

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Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

By Username - 29/10/2010 23:15 - France

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Today, I found out that, after having moved over 500 miles to begin a post-graduate degree, I'm being kicked out of the house I'm renting. We haven't yet signed agreements. Apparently I "keep the kitchen too clean". FML

By homeless - 26/3/2014 23:45 - United Kingdom - Winchester

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