Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and...

By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Deep-seated resentment

Tense

By musicman2005 - 30/3/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 16:59 - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By Mirorbo - 11/6/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

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By Bailyboo - 26/1/2012 23:50 - United States

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

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By FailedEngineer - 20/10/2009 21:31 - Australia

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

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By SebastianMiko - 9/11/2012 07:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 20:02

Horsing around

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

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By Seamstressed - 9/2/2017 20:00 - Italy

It's called fashion, OK? Look it up.

Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML

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By Jill - 9/4/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

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By Daddy Tyrone - 17/9/2018 03:30

Today, my wife bought a bright pink dildo and left in the lounge whilst she went upstairs to get changed. We didn't expect the in-laws to arrive with my niece and nephews, who were hitting each other with the - as described by my 5-year-old nephew - "big pink sword". FML

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By zcollins - 10/9/2013 15:52 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

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By luceeloo - 23/11/2016 22:10

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

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By owmyfoot - 24/2/2014 02:22 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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By strayy - 30/9/2015 06:47 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 17:47 - United States - Winona

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

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By chilegrande - 1/3/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, I was mugged while on my way to the book store. I'd saved up for months to make a mega-purchase of study materials for my major, only for it to be taken away in a few seconds by some lowlife thug. FML

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By thanksmom - 30/4/2011 01:00 - United States

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2018 23:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I found out that my best friend used the sexy dance moves she asked me to teach her to get into my ex-boyfriend’s pants. We dated for two years and broke up less than a week ago. FML

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By peter - 11/9/2009 04:33 - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By anouk05 - 15/10/2010 05:13 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend told me "don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

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By nicetoknow - 26/9/2016 12:57 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "unlike my boyfriend." FML

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By Lost5dollars - 8/8/2017 14:00 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 11:10 - Latvia - Jelgava

Today, in the middle of examining me, my gynecologist suddenly took a sharp intake of breath and vomited on the floor. FML

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By Failoffel - 10/5/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 02:20 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML

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By wtfiswronghere - 8/12/2015 18:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

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By ragingwaffles - 13/8/2014 04:25 - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

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By Danger. Hard Hat Area. - 28/1/2017 20:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking past a construction site on my way to class, a hard hat fell off a roof and hit me on the head. FML

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By ashleyyyy - 28/10/2011 15:59 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

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By still had to pay - 23/12/2012 21:36 - Australia

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 06:22 - United States - Lacey

Today, I was at my class's band concert. Before the curtain was raised, I helped haul the piano to a different spot so a girl who would've had to stand behind it could be seen. I said, "There, now your mom can see you play!" She responded with, "My mom's blind." FML

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By Drewzter - 11/1/2010 03:33 - United States

User manual

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 21:17 - United States - Euless

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 11:12 - Australia - Hobart

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 02:49 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

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Top comments

By mojo_jojo | 0

#74549 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

How do you know she wasn't joking? According to my watch, she's allowed to continue the charade for another 18 hours. Them's the rules.

By PlasticShark | 0

#74544 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:28

Ha-ha, unlucky - don't do an April fool's that can backfire!

COMMENTS

By PlasticShark | 0

#74544 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:28

Ha-ha, unlucky - don't do an April fool's that can backfire!

pertained | 12

#1001381 - Friday 21 May 2010 23:23

yeah, apparently OP thought he was really obviously straight xD

By mojo_jojo | 0

#74549 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

How do you know she wasn't joking? According to my watch, she's allowed to continue the charade for another 18 hours. Them's the rules.

TheYoshiMan | 12

#5184283 - Sunday 25 November 2012 16:44

Actually, the rules are that you can make April Fools jokes until midday.

By zargon | 1

#74554 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By kkooaallaass | 0

#74570 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Riku714 | 25

#5704797 - Sunday 6 October 2013 4:53

Obviously not, otherwise it wouldn't be an FML

By marz88 | 0

#74574 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:45

Never tell a joke thats believable haha. I also hope your mom is playing a joke on you which would make my day and make you a sucker

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#74582 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:48

#4 NO! that was the April Fool's Joke. duhhh.....bahahaha, yeah thats messed up. But funny as hell, you shoulda video taped it:)

By iKayla | 0

#74594 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 13:04

Pretty fail April Fool's joke, haha.

By hpnerd | 0

#74596 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 13:06

After about age 7, the April Fools jokes seem to keep backfiring.

But yeah, I agree with #2.

By FPsLife | 5

#74602 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 13:11

#3, some countries aren't pansies and go the whole day. Take a guess where most of the people on this site are...

By lesb_lv | 0

#74604 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 13:13

Mom knows how to joke ;)