Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at...

By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Great boyfriend

By Anonymous - 11/4/2018 15:00

Today, I found the special needle I needed yesterday for a school biology project. I found it by walking around barefoot at 5 am. FML

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By GildedByVices - 24/12/2016 08:12 - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

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By pop, pop - 8/5/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2015 08:48 - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 18:31 - France

Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML

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By rockstarohyeah - 2/7/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

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By 2old4thiscrap - 8/12/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML

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By ShaunBomb - 11/12/2010 06:11 - United States

Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML

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By cadillacfrank - 24/7/2011 21:01 - United States

Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 23:13

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

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By Margo - 15/11/2011 15:16 - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

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By Pissed - 5/10/2011 15:29 - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 08:26 - Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 08:02

Constructive criticism

Today, I had just finished a really intense workout in my garage gym. It was chilly outside, but I crossed the road home in my shorts, as I was still pretty hot and sweaty. A woman walked by and asked, "Aren't you cold, you skinny little whore?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2013 12:20 - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

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By didi - 5/1/2009 10:45 - France

Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

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By smalltownkid - 1/3/2015 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

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By - 2/12/2019 18:00

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 14:25 - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend. There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. When we came out we got weird looks. It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. FML

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By aloneinaz - 15/1/2017 20:00

Today, while walking downstairs to go to work, I turned the corner and my boyfriend pulled a gun on me. Apparently, he forgot I was there. FML

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By Random - 4/4/2017 07:00 - Canada - Langley

Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML

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By KilledTheMoment - 23/11/2014 06:10 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow - 5/7/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By Adrian James - 9/7/2019 12:00

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 02:14 - United States - Redmond

Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML

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By antwo - 22/1/2012 04:50 - United States

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

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By Andrew - 20/4/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I noticed a weird smell coming from my four year old daughter's room. I went to investigate and found she had been using (and hiding) her garbage can as a toilet for when she "can't make it in time." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

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By TriedToHelp - 2/6/2019 14:05

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

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By 1234567898765432 - 27/3/2009 16:47 - Canada

Today, I was going to a stoplight party. Green shirt=single, yellow=hard to get and red=taken. I show up wearing a red shirt and I see my boyfriend in a green shirt. Thinking it was a mistake, I ask him jokingly why he isn't wearing red. He looks at me weird and says, "Oh, you didn't get my text?" FML

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By elizio - 4/8/2015 11:59 - United States - Trenton

Today, I went to a high school reunion. An old friend I hadn't seen in a while suddenly came up to me and gasped, "Oh, thank God!" I was about to greet her and catch up when she added, "I'm not the only one who gained weight!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 10:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML

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By jj159 - 25/2/2012 18:40 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2011 17:26 - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By unsuccessful popping - 18/6/2015 20:09 - United States - Tappan

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 03:52 - United States

Today, I ran for the first time in ages when I saw my bus coming. My loose shoe went flying into a shop doorway, and I tripped into the gutter. FML

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By StayedHome89 - 20/12/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

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By carnivore - 22/9/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

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Top comments

By Alup132 | 22

#7829787 - Thursday 8 August 2019 22:36

5 boxes? She must be really confident that you’re a straight woman who is gonna have LOTS of sex with dudes...

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7829825 - Friday 9 August 2019 1:52

Better than how my mom reacted. She sent me to my room and said she never wanted to see my face again

Comments

By Alup132 | 22

#7829787 - Thursday 8 August 2019 22:36

5 boxes? She must be really confident that you’re a straight woman who is gonna have LOTS of sex with dudes...

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7829820 - Friday 9 August 2019 1:12

i know loads of lesbians who have sex with men once in a while and are adamant they're not bi

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7829825 - Friday 9 August 2019 1:52

Better than how my mom reacted. She sent me to my room and said she never wanted to see my face again

By Major_Haywire | 7

#7829839 - Friday 9 August 2019 3:07

Maybe she thinks you wear the strap-on and thought she could save you some cleaning

Memnoc | 26

#7829845 - Friday 9 August 2019 3:17

Yes, because I can't even begin to count how many unwanted strapon pregnancies happen every day!

Major_Haywire | 7

#7829914 - Friday 9 August 2019 10:17

That’s how but plugs are born

By RichardPencil | 28

#7829849 - Friday 9 August 2019 4:12

Epic water balloon fight!

By slowhandjp | 14

#7829851 - Friday 9 August 2019 4:16

Just because you're a lesbian doesn't mean you don't get pregnant.

By mssileas | 25

#7829875 - Friday 9 August 2019 7:44

Just say "thanks, that's maybe handy when I'm dating a trans girl!" and watch her head explode lmao

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7830042 - Friday 9 August 2019 17:31

Look at it this way: You've now got 5 boxes of condoms to sell to friends who might be too embarrassed to go to a store to buy them. Can you say "cha-ching!"?

By Mooglefox | 23

#7830077 - Friday 9 August 2019 20:23

At least she wants you to have safe sex.

By Suaria | 37

#7830171 - Saturday 10 August 2019 3:37

The good part is you can turn them into dental dams or give them away to people for free.