Intimacy: Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob.... - FML

By LALALA3 - 16/02/2009 23:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 783

You deserved it 9 982

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Sad news

There's no such thing as a coincidence

By socialix - 19/04/2015 01:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 630

You deserved it 3 386

By probably single - 29/05/2015 18:28 - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 926

You deserved it 2 389

By crazystuff23 - 01/06/2009 16:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 594

You deserved it 5 815

By Tired Girlfriend - 14/06/2017 22:00

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 800

You deserved it 463

By need_cash_now - 28/04/2013 04:29 - United States

Today, six weeks before my wedding, my mother decided to claim that she never agreed on paying for it and that she doesn't think she will. Now I have six weeks to scavenge enough cash for the wedding she planned in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 190

You deserved it 4 430

By Taylor - 20/07/2012 18:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest "no." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 291

You deserved it 3 717

By Sybille - 06/12/2008 12:14 - France

Today, my boyfriend was lying down on top of me and he was looking at me with passionate eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said "You have a bogey". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 452

You deserved it 4 031

By -_- - 07/10/2015 11:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 947

You deserved it 32 305

By idiotfriend - 16/06/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I rented some movies in attempts to cheer up my best friend. Her husband just died a few weeks ago in a helicopter accident. I was in a rush and didn't read the descriptions of the two films, one was about a plane crash where all the passengers died. She cried through the entire movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 697

You deserved it 87 599

#priceless

By Clorpy - 30/03/2018 07:00

Today, I was at the Kings Avalanche game in Denver. Anže Kopitar scored a hat trick and people threw hats in. Someone ripped my own hat off my head and tossed it on the ice. It was a gift from my dead grandparents with my name stitched onto it. I’ve had it for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 910

You deserved it 375

Headshot

By PeterRabit - 25/07/2009 15:11 - Canada

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 832

You deserved it 47 107

By shal4 - 27/11/2015 17:55

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 828

You deserved it 1 414

By dam01 - 02/08/2009 07:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting a bit steamy. After a few minutes, he jumps up and runs over to the closet and puts on a long brown jacket putting the hood over to his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and says 'I am Obi Wan Kenobi and I'm going to slay you with my light saber'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 223

You deserved it 10 331

By yelyah - 29/03/2012 16:19 - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 581

You deserved it 2 169

By markderanjer - 04/11/2012 00:37 - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 045

You deserved it 3 409

By CutieBooty - 22/02/2011 21:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 292

You deserved it 35 633

By historyfreak_17 - 17/06/2012 07:11 - United States - Dearborn Heights

Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 730

You deserved it 4 687

By homerde - 05/02/2011 06:29 - France

Spicy

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 222

You deserved it 6 977

Sex vs. housework

By hesitator - 01/07/2017 18:00 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I got excited over a canceled booty call, just so I wouldn't have to clean the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 822

You deserved it 987

By Bandgeek - 16/03/2017 20:00

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 912

You deserved it 760

You tried

By Anonymous - 08/06/2021 06:01

Today, in an effort to try and be closer to my girlfriend's son, I bought him an expensive Xbox game I know he desperately wanted so we could play it together. He was excited, until he realised that I that paid for it. He snapped the disc and threw the pieces in the bin. At least I tried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 268

You deserved it 169

By Anonymous - 24/04/2016 14:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 926

You deserved it 1 310

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 13:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 994

You deserved it 13 892

Who taught him

By Redbeard - 24/01/2020 05:00

Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 102

You deserved it 340

By Anonymous - 13/06/2019 14:09

Today, I received my 12th rejection letter for voluntary work, as I don't have enough experience to be paid. I can't even work for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 122

Nope.

By Just Set Me On Fire - 13/09/2017 23:15

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 008

You deserved it 205

By aeghw1s - 09/06/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 967

You deserved it 6 303

By thesparrow - 06/02/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 461

You deserved it 2 362

By mjayne17 - 21/03/2009 19:04 - Canada

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 948

You deserved it 22 224

By a-non - 02/02/2009 15:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 979

You deserved it 8 187

By Anonymous - 02/01/2015 22:46 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 099

You deserved it 2 559

By theflow - 15/08/2012 17:08 - Australia - Perth

Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 132

You deserved it 4 534

By yoyo22 - 05/12/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 927

You deserved it 9 387

By Anonymous - 16/08/2016 16:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 108

You deserved it 1 188

By Anonymous - 28/05/2013 16:42 - United States

Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 730

You deserved it 5 629

By Anonymous - 09/07/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 220

You deserved it 993

By leftbehind - 10/06/2011 11:40 - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 800

You deserved it 3 248

Bad employee

By Anonymous - 18/05/2021 20:01

Today, I ran into my boss when I was at the beach. He told me he was sorry for my loss. I asked him, "What loss?" Then I remembered I’d lied about taking time off under the pretense of bereavement of my grandmother passing away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175

You deserved it 2 518

By clothesthief - 03/04/2015 10:44 - Australia - Ivanhoe

Today, I finally had nice enough weather to dry my clothes on the washing line. Two hours later, all my clothes were stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 668

You deserved it 3 909

By mavrick127 - 29/09/2016 14:21 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 104

You deserved it 1 748

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Top comments

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 5:51

You should've bit down when he said that.

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Friday 22 June 2012 7:09

You're an ass.

Comments

emilypancakes 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 4:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 27 March 2010 6:34

...yeah its way to late now!

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 2:15

I don't think that was a determining factor in getting rid of her, and if it was then he doesn't deserve her.

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:20

#3, #72, y'all are losers.

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Thursday 6 August 2015 0:10

FYL for sure, that must've been the worst BJ in the history of mankind

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 5:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 22 June 2012 7:09

You're an ass.

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Monday 16 July 2012 9:57

Douchebag alert!

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Friday 1 March 2013 2:54

Why would you do that

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 5:51

You should've bit down when he said that.

alphatoomega 21

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Thursday 21 February 2013 23:00

He didn't say it until "right after", which means she wasn't blowing him when he said it. Learn to read.

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 8:08

My god, that's awful.

blah_blah_shity 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 9:29

what a douchbag. i hope you then told him what a great idea that was cuz he could never satisfied you and youre sick of his shit. or elbowed his nuts

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Saturday 1 December 2012 4:10

He's gay

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 11:49

tell him you give even better blowjobs to boyfriends... and the next time he is still asking for some... bite right through it

OXAMH 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 12:24

#17 clearly he didn't break off their relationship over not getting head as she'd just finished sucking him off. On the length of time, it depends on how old they are - if 14 then fine to wait a year, if 18...

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Wednesday 26 June 2013 16:46

If they've been together for a year and are 14, it's okay for her to blow him? What the fuck? No. 14-year-olds are not mature enough for that shit, even if they think they're in love (and this is coming from the 17 year old who has been with her boyfriend for 4 years, we are still virgins). And even if they're 18, I see no reason why she can't wait. If a guy (or girl) doesn't respect the other persons' sexual decisions, they aren't worth it anyway.

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 5:35

Sorry sweety. I have to agree with the guys on this one. You sholda blew him a long time ago. At least that way you coulda spared urself the wasted time.

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Saturday 25 June 2011 20:39

agreed:)

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Thursday 19 February 2009 19:37

don't feel bad, happened to me too.

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Friday 20 February 2009 6:54

You waited a year to give a guy a blow job? I'm confused...

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 83

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 157

You deserved it 87