Intimacy: Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 8

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 737

12/08/2017 04:30

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 691

You deserved it 1 260

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Stop talking!

Size zero

14/07/2014 23:04

Today, I got chewed out by a parent for putting her kid underwater. I teach swim lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 458

You deserved it 3 867

27/01/2009 06:33

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 180

You deserved it 24 596

I want to smell feet

By Anonymous - 16/08/2021 14:01

Today, my idiot son incinerated his shoes in the oven. They were wet and he wanted to "quick-dry" them, so now the whole house smells terrible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 124

18/03/2011 05:32

Today, I was talking to my dad and told him that I want to be a hotel maid, hoping that he would tell me "You can do better, you're smart, etc." Instead he said, "I'm glad you finally have a goal that you can actually achieve." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 162

You deserved it 33 557

14/07/2012 05:49

Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 877

You deserved it 36 421

25/02/2009 01:34

Today, I sent out a note to 300 friends saying that I'm having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked to please write back if they are interested in going . . . two people answered...They said they can't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 700

You deserved it 4 761

10/12/2009 20:52

Today, we had our annual office Christmas party. The theme of the party was "Ugliest Sweater". The winner was a sweater that I have an exact replica of in my closet. It's my favorite 'special occasion', 'family portrait' and 'holiday' sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 883

You deserved it 13 331

19/03/2013 06:32

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 238

You deserved it 9 080

23/04/2017 14:00

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 913

You deserved it 415

13/01/2017 16:38

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 352

You deserved it 2 470

18/03/2012 20:46

Today, I was browsing some hardcore porn sites. My mum decided to barge into my room uninvited, so I quickly switched tabs. Unfortunately for me, all five other tabs were also parked on porn galleries. Now my computer and phone are confiscated, and I can only get online at the local library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 752

You deserved it 60 113

11/12/2016 15:56

Today, I was cutting some paper when I accidentally cut a sizeable chunk out of my finger. I went to my car to get my bumbag (I'm a lifeguard) so I could patch it up. I then promptly got a large piece of glass in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 724

You deserved it 778

15/02/2013 01:55

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 463

You deserved it 45 836

15/08/2016 04:07

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 799

You deserved it 13 873

28/12/2013 18:11

Today, my parents started fighting at a restaurant. Embarrassed, I went to the restroom to get away and stayed in there for about 15 minutes, knowing how long their fights can last. When I came back, they were gone. They'd ditched me, and left me to walk several miles back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 917

You deserved it 4 666

14/10/2012 05:29

Today, I slipped on a crayon a little girl threw on the floor, causing me to drop the tray of water I was carrying, making me spill it all over her. After getting cussed out by her mom, I was fired for making a customer unhappy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 209

You deserved it 1 882

29/06/2013 15:09

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey, how else is a guy supposed to get laid?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 906

You deserved it 7 012

16/02/2011 07:40

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 250

You deserved it 5 001

06/08/2015 23:14

Today, I was sitting in a secluded corner of a coffee shop and felt extremely gassy. Thinking I'd be safe, I let out a pretty nasty smelling fart. Next thing I know, a cute guy is approaching me and asked my name, but all it took was for him to inhale once and he bolted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 690

You deserved it 6 634

30/06/2010 09:39

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 182

You deserved it 13 858

22/07/2012 13:57

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 297

You deserved it 2 496

24/02/2017 03:00

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 433

You deserved it 716

03/08/2015 06:06

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 759

You deserved it 7 312

17/05/2015 21:27

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 920

You deserved it 2 115

06/09/2017 07:00

Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 4 895

22/08/2010 06:28

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 052

You deserved it 6 563

22/08/2009 09:07

Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 017

You deserved it 12 553

15/04/2019 14:00

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 206

01/12/2012 00:31

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 157

You deserved it 21 495

07/11/2016 15:48

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 657

You deserved it 792

24/09/2009 22:10

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 349

You deserved it 4 779

19/04/2016 01:09

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 753

You deserved it 2 011

27/08/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 124

10/12/2009 03:26

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella and help her across. When we get to the other side, she says "Thank you Toby," and then refuses to give back "her" umbrella to me, loudly enough for a nearby cop to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 928

You deserved it 2 787

13/10/2008 08:30

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 312

You deserved it 23 044

Broke

By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/08/2020 17:02

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 479

22/05/2016 17:33

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 145

You deserved it 11 072

Panic

By Distracted - 13/08/2009 12:18

Today, it was my first day at a new school. I pulled into the parking lot and saw this really cute guy. I was checking him out in my rear view mirror. When I looked ahead, there was something in the road, so I swirved real hard and took down an entire wooden fence. That something was a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 744

You deserved it 53 191

You BARBARIAN!

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 10:57

Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 282

19/07/2012 15:55

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 915

You deserved it 3 852

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Saturday 12 August 2017 4:55

Now that wasn't very professional.

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Saturday 12 August 2017 7:13

ugh whats with the new update.

Comments

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Saturday 12 August 2017 4:55

Now that wasn't very professional.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 12 August 2017 6:51

To the contrary, when a professional sees that a job is beyond the scope of what is considerd standard, they often request added material and/or add a surcharge.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 12 August 2017 5:32

Was that a fat tax or an ugly tax?

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Saturday 12 August 2017 6:13

$100 for the fat tax, and whiskey for the ugly. Could be the other way around, I'm just guessing.

JillianJuneBug 39

Saturday 12 August 2017 6:38

An "escort"? Is that what they're calling' them these days?

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 12 August 2017 6:48

They’ve been calling whores that for many years.

RockPrincess26 16

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Saturday 12 August 2017 20:42

Yep.

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Saturday 12 August 2017 6:55

did you honestly expect a hooker to be sweet and/or nice?

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Saturday 12 August 2017 13:50

In most professions with a social aspect, being sweet/nice gets you more business.

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Saturday 12 August 2017 7:13

ugh whats with the new update.

raven_of_azarath 34

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Saturday 12 August 2017 7:55

The pictures instead of the normal posts? Yeah, I hate it, too. Makes it difficult to get in to read the comments.

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Saturday 12 August 2017 15:34

It should be complained about on every post so they realize we hate it. I actually find it visually difficult to read the post with the pictures too

thatslifeiguess7 16

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Saturday 12 August 2017 8:04

does she work for a service ? if so call and complain if not stop picking up hookers on Craigslist

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Saturday 12 August 2017 10:11

Aw ja should have just left , a good hooker would just charge you more but not make you feel bad

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Saturday 12 August 2017 14:48

Maybe take that as a sign to improve yourself.

RetireEngland 24

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Saturday 12 August 2017 17:38

For a hooker to call you ugly then damn son... i feel for you bro dont give up, find a blind chick

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Saturday 19 August 2017 23:25

Work on your looks. Workout groom your skin, your hair, and your nails, and buy nice clothes. Nothing has to be super expensive just be clean and neat. Nobody likes a Slappy man or woman.