Animals: Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The...

By dirtyfoot - United States

Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML

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Animals

Understandable

And probably giggling

Not gonna happen

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

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By alix - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

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By nerd - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

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By Dizzie Rascal - United Kingdom

Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

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By nancypants1124 - United States

Today, I was joking around with my manager about faking an injury to collect Worker's Compensation. Then I actually slipped and sprained my foot, and now my manager thinks I'm lying. FML

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By "idefka"

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

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Today, I got another in a year-long string of threatening letters about my late mother's credit card bill. I've called the credit company repeatedly to settle the account, but they won't talk to me because I'm not authorized to access it. Hope they have a Ouija board. FML

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By ditched - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

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By xOdaatx - Australia

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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By SNBBFF - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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By Anonymous

Quality time

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 20:04

High school drama

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

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By Forgotten One - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

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By Monster-in-law - United States - Sherwood

Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally had the courage to break up with the father of my child. When I got to my parents' house, they were happy, but after explaining that I was going to spend more time with them, they called and told him that they don’t accept devolutions. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By spockswifey - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

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By Hmmmm - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was made aware that my teenage son used "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" as a reference point in a class debate as if it was a biopic. Oh dear. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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By sausagefingers - United States - Nixa

Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML

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By radiationkillz - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought several bottles of Potassium Iodine pills and a gas mask, due to the radiation scare from Japan. We live in Texas. FML

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

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By horny21 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

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By Lindsay - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

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By rainydays79 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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By WheatiesMan

Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him. He also took some things that didn't belong to him, namely my rent money. My landlord comes tomorrow. FML

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By psychicmother - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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By matiasbarbero - United States

Today, a black cat crossed in front of my truck and I thought to myself that it was funny people believe black cats bring bad luck. Not even two minutes later, I drove my truck into a ditch. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

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Top comments

By jazzyjada10 | 6

#2909426 - Sunday 17 July 2011 1:15

this fml has the award of having the least comments

By xNephilim | 18

#1583926 - Friday 22 October 2010 3:33

To prevent THIS, meaning the dog pooping inside, from happening.

COMMENTS

By your_face | 15

#10119 - Sunday 1 March 2009 17:28

Ha, looks like your dog wanted to be just like you!

Seriously though, that sucks.

blakehilli8 | 0

#495621 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 6:36

Second

averageirishman | 0

#905679 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 0:55

Why the fuck would you watch your dog shit

showrunner | 0

#931272 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 5:07

YDI for watching your dog shit

lxclark | 17

#972410 - Thursday 1 April 2010 4:33

Hahah I thought the same thing.. WHY..?

xNephilim | 18

#1583926 - Friday 22 October 2010 3:33

To prevent THIS, meaning the dog pooping inside, from happening.

By 12mp04 | 0

#80861 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:01

HAHAHAHA

That's one of the funniest ones I've seen here

Sucks for you though... but on the bright side you made quite a few people laugh :).

yomama97 | 5

#4226881 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 10:31

I've stepped in dog shit barefoot inside at my bestfriends house the first time I stayed there xD

By jaychourox121 | 15

#81263 - Saturday 4 April 2009 6:17

at least he knows where to go in the house. now you just need to work on the exact location. lmao

By igotbigdick | 0

#222204 - Saturday 23 May 2009 5:48

i have a hugh dick

By Mauskau | 35

#536952 - Thursday 3 September 2009 20:55

bless. how come this has 5 comments :/

By slientRequiem | 0

#1273839 - Friday 20 August 2010 4:30

#6 in soviet Russia, comment... oh fuck it

By wazowski77 | 0

#2625017 - Sunday 5 June 2011 19:26

Why were u watching ur dog pinch a loaf

By jazzyjada10 | 6

#2909426 - Sunday 17 July 2011 1:15

this fml has the award of having the least comments

By supsup1 | 1

#3209967 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 6:43

Lol that sucks

By jeremy0690 | 0

#3509967 - Saturday 29 October 2011 21:36

r u sure it was the dog...??