Kids: Today, my 2-year-old learned how to open the fridge lock. I came...

By Amber Rutledge

Today, my 2-year-old learned how to open the fridge lock. I came out of the bathroom to what she called a "scrambled egg breakfast". FML

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Kids

BO Central

Taking stock

This is fine

By Craig Thompson - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML

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By lalanon - Australia

Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it. FML

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By sexlube - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By winneuse - France - Allennes-les-marais

Today, for the first time since kindergarten, I won! I came first! Yes, I'm first on the waiting list for the M.A. degree I applied to. FML

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By last time I drive stoned - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

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By Johnnogood - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

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By Notcheating

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo.

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By YouAREthefather - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 08:08

Fake mystery guy

Today, I dressed cute to surprise my boyfriend of 2 years. Instead of being happy or impressed about it, he accused me of cheating and dressing up to impress a new guy he'd made up in his head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went and bought my wife a new cell phone for a Christmas present. She called me five minutes later saying she got a notification e-mail thanking her for her purchase. FML

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By lovehurts - United States - Wayne

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML

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By Luke - United States - San Antonio

Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my gyn to see what a painful lump is under my armpit. Turns out it's breast tissue, and yes, it will fill up with milk when I'm pregnant. I essentially have three boobs. FML

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By That idiot - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML

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By rita

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By Kybo5 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, I had a ride along in an ambulance. Being observant, I thought it was funny that a patient had to vomit. That was until I realized they couldn't control where they had to vomit. I spent the rest of the ambulance ride holding a vomit bag in front of the woman's face. Not so funny anymore. FML

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By MonCoiffeurAdoré

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

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By I_Am_The_Edge - United States

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

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By nerd

Today, I understand the finer points of the government in Star Wars better than I understand the U.S. government. FML

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By arghgffhdfg - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - York

Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 02:01

Because I'm worth it

Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML

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By monogamyisalie - United States

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

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By keerow - United States

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

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By WellPlayedMother

Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually lose anything. Instead, my mom drunkenly admitted to tossing my stuff away and then punishing me for it whenever she was mad at me. FML

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By Hellasboy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, driving to work, I stop to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honks their horn, so I decide to drive slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pull into the car park and notice the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML

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By EyesOffMe - Canada

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

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By sy123 - United States - Frankfort

Today, I had an ovarian cyst rupture at work, causing sudden severe stomach cramps; this caused my bowels to release everything right then and there, while on the phone with a customer, in the middle of the call center surrounded by 200 other sales reps. FML

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By Ihatemyjob - United States

Today, my boss told me that he didn’t want to promote me because my, “scores were too good.” He then told me that I would be getting twice as much work to do than my coworkers, without a raise. I work minimum wage. FML

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By higgles15 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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By killme - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By dab1230 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

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By jflac - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By car_FAILure - New Zealand

Today, I went to Uni. I woke up at six and got to the station as the train was leaving. I was congratulating myself on my brilliant skill when, as we passed the carpark, I saw I had left my headlights on. It later cost more for the lead to jump start my car than it would have to drive to Uni myself. FML

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By epicvixen - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

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By schoolkiddo - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By engineerdude91 - United States

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

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By Kristin - United States

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

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Top comments

By my_way_1213 | 11

#7591485 - Saturday 27 January 2018 4:51

oh the fun has just begun

By Joshoa123 | 16

#7626918 - Wednesday 25 April 2018 6:05

Exactly the same thing happened to me about 3 weeks ago.

COMMENTS

By J352SAURUS | 30

#7591483 - Saturday 27 January 2018 4:32

Clever girl.

By my_way_1213 | 11

#7591485 - Saturday 27 January 2018 4:51

oh the fun has just begun

By Joshoa123 | 16

#7626918 - Wednesday 25 April 2018 6:05

Exactly the same thing happened to me about 3 weeks ago.

By lucasj23 | 11

#7627238 - Wednesday 25 April 2018 20:56

I'm just curious. how long did you leave a 2 year old supervised?