Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered...

By ledon - 16/11/2011 04:15 - Canada

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Fashion Police

By swirkishly - 24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By wow. - 5/5/2014 03:18 - United States - Chicago

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

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By beemove - 28/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 4/10/2019 22:00

Technically, that's stealing

Today, I told my mom about the $50 I'd hidden in case of an emergency, and how I couldn't find it. She said she'd borrowed it last week. FML

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By Mitcha857 - 30/7/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

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By wo-ow - 6/6/2014 23:09 - United States - Bronx

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. My dad helped me to the car so he could drive me to the hospital, but when he saw our neighbor, he went over and had a 15 minute screaming match with him over how his dog keeps shitting on our lawn, all while I sat in the car in agony. FML

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By sad - 25/10/2011 10:15 - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By nearsighted-ut - 26/9/2019 02:00

Cool nickname

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

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By pinkrazorsare4men - 16/11/2016 00:51

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By anon - 4/5/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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By nosexlife - 12/9/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

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By Roma - 16/6/2017 14:00 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today I asked my mother-in-law to borrow a plunger, so she asked what I needed it for. "Poop," I replied. "I've told you this before," she huffed, "you have to poop a little and then flush, poop a little and flush. You can't go all at once." I can't even shit right for this woman. FML

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By Rach - 20/2/2010 13:58 - Ireland

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

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By peevedemployee - 25/12/2013 06:38 - United States

Today, we got our Christmas bonuses. Instead of money, the company decided to give us all lunch boxes with the company name on them. I went ahead and put my lunch in mine, then put it in the break-room refrigerator. Apparently so did all the other employees. Now I can't find mine. FML

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By klee - 8/2/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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By psychedout - 10/8/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2013 21:32 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I played a friendly prank on my dad, loosening the legs of his chair so it would fall apart when he sat on it. He responded by making me stand outside and watch as he keyed both sides of my car, front to back, as punishment. FML

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By Kitcat034 - 22/1/2018 15:00

Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML

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By blahblah - 14/12/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

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By worried - 1/4/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

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By goddamitme - 21/2/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

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By Landdownunder - 5/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Comedy gold

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

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By secretsmakefriends - 15/10/2013 21:43 - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

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By LaundryVictim - 15/6/2016 20:50

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

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By stickyandwet - 30/1/2017 23:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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By married and hates - 19/12/2010 18:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ex, demanding to know why my Facebook relationship status was set as married. I got married a few months ago, and I quietly explained this to her. My wife overheard and now thinks I've been cheating all along. FML

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By teeeessst - 13/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

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By Ham - 14/6/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the 2nd time. FML

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By ineedsleep - 30/10/2014 14:15 - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2015 18:04 - United States - Milton

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

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By arther - 3/6/2019 02:05

Today, I got up at 3:15 a.m. to be ready for work at 5 a.m. I get to my work station to find absolutely no work to do. After talking with my boss, I was sent home with no pay. If I'd been employed there 3 weeks longer, I would've been paid for 4 hours. FML

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By Noob - 5/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I restarted my desktop computer at work. Nobody told me, but it turns out that my computer holds the licenses used for all programs on the server. Needless to say, a lot of people hate me right now. It's only my fifth day here. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 14:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she believes I "jinxed" her chances of getting the job she wanted. FML

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By okthen - 10/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

One day with him

Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years...by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 23:53 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML

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By Safe - 17/4/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

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By Username - 5/12/2010 17:04 - United States

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By enonymous | 8

#3592885 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

It's like Easter egg hunt with meat!! Measter!

By Im2Handsom | 1

#3592913 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

Shove a potato in her muffler.

COMMENTS

By Ballzdeepinya | 0

#3592878 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:05

First

By foodlord | 5

#3592883 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

Where did she get it all?!

bemylove123 | 9

#3592904 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:10

I'm guessing the grocery store.

FYLDeep | 25

#3592942 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:19

She slaughtered a cow in the bathtub and ran it through a meat grinder in the kitchen.

Freeze_fml | 16

#3592948 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:20

Raw hamburger meat usually derives from cows.

boofgall | 16

#3592975 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:35

She sounds psychotic. Kick her out fast!

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593012 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:55

14- Does that mean that KFC is looking for a new mascot?

kcircuses | 1

#3593044 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:20

30-no they aren't because KFC is chicken not cow

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593048 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:24

30- This is getting off topic, but you realize that the KFC mascot is a cow holding a sign that's says "eat more chicken" right?

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593051 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:28

that says*

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593741 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:38

Sorry 39. I was thinking of Chik-Fil-A. In my exhaustion, I got the two confused.

zombicidal | 11

#3594115 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:42

colonel Sanders is actually a cow that tried to lead a war against other livestock and decided to start with chicken true story

boofgall | 16

#3610008 - Sunday 20 November 2011 11:30

Is it just me, or was # 30, 40, 41, and 43 all a conversation to themself?

badluckalex | 23

#5969664 - Monday 9 June 2014 11:18

the other comment (s) are either moderated or later in the comment section. either way im too lazy to check lol

By enonymous | 8

#3592885 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

It's like Easter egg hunt with meat!! Measter!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593812 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593814 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593816 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593837 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:59

New public holiday. Tell Obama

CalCommando | 6

#3593959 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:44

Collect them all! And if you don't your house will smell like shit!

ShakeMeDown | 12

#3596042 - Thursday 17 November 2011 4:37

Nope.

By lol_ironic_life | 9

#3592893 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:08

I almost thought this FML was leading to her stuffing raw meat down someone's throat. 0_0 Then yes she would've been even more crazy!

markrs | 0

#3594600 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 16:39

I like raw meat down my troat........................
How else do I eat sushi?

AshleighNason | 24

#3596185 - Thursday 17 November 2011 6:24

lol

By heathz | 9

#3592898 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:09

hey OP look on the bright side, at least she didn't stuff it down your throat!!

SkoomaKi | 27

#4404702 - Tuesday 8 May 2012 1:55

Actually, that would be better. I feel hungry now :(

By ambamm135 | 7

#3592901 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:09

Oh god the house must have had a putrid stench sorry op

By Im2Handsom | 1

#3592913 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

Shove a potato in her muffler.

NotMuchLuck | 0

#3593952 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:38

Boil'em, Mash'em, Stick'em in a stew

noobgang7 | 5

#3594041 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:13

Pour sugar in her gas tank

You_Need_Soap | 6

#3594235 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:28

Dildo, it's stick a dildo in the tailpipe.

Thizzkidsgotgame | 7

#3595090 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 19:59

Its best not to f*ck with crazy people. Just get her outta there. And tell her to take her meat with her.

By bemylove123 | 9

#3592915 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

What a waste of perfectly good food.

By cntryiscntrywide | 0

#3592922 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:14

I'd kindly kick her ass, and shove her face in the meat.

False_Stupidity | 41

#3595176 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 20:58

Is there a way to kick someone's arse kindly?

By heathz | 9

#3592923 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:15

oh...didn't notice someone else made a comment about " meat being stuffed down the throat" my bad!! :o)

KJON | 0

#3593791 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:49

Let me have a taste