Miscellaneous: Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered...

By ledon - 16/11/2011 04:15 - Canada

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 205

You deserved it 3 178

Miscellaneous

This Charming Man

Thinning

Are friends electric?

By you+me-clothes=53>< - 19/11/2013 17:13 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 975

You deserved it 9 006

By Anonymous - 18/08/2015 21:08 - United States - Woodridge

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 691

You deserved it 12 888

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 16:42 - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 958

You deserved it 8 272

By Sad Mom - 25/07/2015 02:04 - United States - Wylie

Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 805

You deserved it 5 474

By gettinghotinhere - 17/10/2014 18:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 723

You deserved it 6 841

By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 339

You deserved it 332

By rune breaker - 23/08/2018 22:05

Today, I got the hiccups during an exam. I wasn't allowed to leave to get a drink of water, so I had to sit there and take my test while hiccuping violently. The teacher ended up sending me to the hall and ripping up my test for "distracting the other students". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 440

You deserved it 207

Classic

By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 15:30 - United States

Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 323

You deserved it 8 179

By Brenda Trejo - 17/01/2018 01:30

Today, my fiancé asked his 13-year-old sister what role she wanted in our upcoming wedding. Her response was "Saying I object!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 206

You deserved it 418

By Granmacathy - 29/11/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 019

You deserved it 4 485

By weeble_wobbles09 - 26/12/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 381

You deserved it 2 807

By lonerjik - 19/01/2011 12:05 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 126

You deserved it 10 759

By Joe - 01/11/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 783

You deserved it 50 695

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 11:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was writing an essay while sleep-deprived. In between actually writing, I started typing my thoughts. It was only after I’d submitted the essay that I realized that I hadn’t deleted the random words. My teacher can see my early-morning rambling about potatoes. I have no way to delete it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 353

You deserved it 1 518

By aspiemeanswell - 05/11/2014 18:49 - Germany - Rudolstadt

Today, my boyfriend gushed for several minutes about how amazing it is that I suddenly look hot when he takes his glasses off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 769

You deserved it 3 292

By triple l - 15/10/2012 08:33 - United States

Today, the police searched my house because my neighbors thought we were aiming a gun with laser sight at them. We were only getting our daft dog to chase a laser light around; we don't even own any guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 730

You deserved it 2 699

By owned - 28/04/2009 14:12 - Singapore

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 249

You deserved it 66 862

It's not what you think!

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 14:01

Today, I bought my daughter a rape alarm after she had a near-miss with a creep following her to her part-time job. As soon as I handed it to her in the car park, she accidentally set it off and one of her coworker's put me in a rather painful headlock and threw me to the ground, breaking my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 111

By Anonymous - 08/01/2016 18:23

Today, I bailed my brother out of jail for violating a restraining order filed against him by his ex. I dropped him off at the place he told me he was staying at. Turned out it was his ex's house, and now he's in jail again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 051

You deserved it 3 532

By OhGodKillMeNow - 26/12/2009 11:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 972

You deserved it 9 233

By heymacie - 29/04/2016 01:41 - United States - Beckley

Today, it was my second day at my new job as a bank teller. I got locked in the vault while alarms were being tested. I was in there for an hour and none of my coworkers had even noticed that I'd gone missing. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 070

You deserved it 1 158

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 384

You deserved it 66 298

By Anonymous - 23/04/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 815

You deserved it 3 733

By NotYourDaddy - 08/08/2017 00:31

Today, my 17-year-old employee accidentally called me "Dad". We all got a good laugh from it and went on with our days. Later, after getting her some coins for her cash drawer, she playfully said, "Thanks, Daddy." The customer she was serving? My wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 363

You deserved it 540

By Ginny - 30/06/2009 09:23 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to start running to stay fit. Before I left, I put my cell phone in my sweat shirt pocket, and jumped vigorously up and down and ran around my apartment to make sure it wouldn't fall out. On a bridge, it slides out of my pocket and drops fifteen feet into the water below. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 365

You deserved it 16 163

Diaspora

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Today, I found out the guy i've been crushing on might be my cousin. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 172

By sadbride - 09/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 924

You deserved it 253

Serfs

By Impotante - 11/06/2021 02:01

Today, at work while everyone else was at lunch, my boss's sister-in-law called. Realizing I was manning the phones alone, she immediately asked, "Oh, is everyone of importance gone to lunch?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 61

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 08:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 449

You deserved it 4 161

By obviously a scumbag criminal - 24/11/2017 19:00

Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 944

You deserved it 573

By Anonymous - 20/01/2014 20:23 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 329

You deserved it 33 831

Thanks mom, you're the best

By prego - 30/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 746

You deserved it 4 869

By anonymous - 28/05/2013 00:56 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 792

You deserved it 15 159

Our soul

By baddream - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at my grandmother's funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 920

You deserved it 4 732

By possibly fucked - 22/06/2014 20:34 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 746

You deserved it 9 514

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 10:51 - Australia

Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 225

You deserved it 11 274

By skollasch - 25/09/2014 06:21 - United States - Highland

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 801

You deserved it 16 613

By theish - 04/02/2011 14:08

Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 904

You deserved it 6 992

By Weedle - 04/06/2019 20:00

Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 1 801

By HoobidibooFox - 13/11/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom - Coseley

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 503

You deserved it 6 388

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Top comments

enonymous 8

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

It's like Easter egg hunt with meat!! Measter!

Im2Handsom 1

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

Shove a potato in her muffler.

Ballzdeepinya 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:05

First

foodlord 5

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

Where did she get it all?!

bemylove123 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:10

I'm guessing the grocery store.

FYLDeep 25

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:19

She slaughtered a cow in the bathtub and ran it through a meat grinder in the kitchen.

Freeze_fml 16

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:20

Raw hamburger meat usually derives from cows.

boofgall 16

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:35

She sounds psychotic. Kick her out fast!

s0m3guy2010 21

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:55

14- Does that mean that KFC is looking for a new mascot?

kcircuses 1

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:20

30-no they aren't because KFC is chicken not cow

s0m3guy2010 21

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:24

30- This is getting off topic, but you realize that the KFC mascot is a cow holding a sign that's says "eat more chicken" right?

s0m3guy2010 21

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:28

that says*

s0m3guy2010 21

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:38

Sorry 39. I was thinking of Chik-Fil-A. In my exhaustion, I got the two confused.

zombicidal 11

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:42

colonel Sanders is actually a cow that tried to lead a war against other livestock and decided to start with chicken true story

boofgall 16

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Sunday 20 November 2011 11:30

Is it just me, or was # 30, 40, 41, and 43 all a conversation to themself?

badluckalex 23

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Monday 9 June 2014 11:18

the other comment (s) are either moderated or later in the comment section. either way im too lazy to check lol

enonymous 8

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

It's like Easter egg hunt with meat!! Measter!

KoolKidFly 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:59

New public holiday. Tell Obama

CalCommando 6

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:44

Collect them all! And if you don't your house will smell like shit!

ShakeMeDown 12

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Thursday 17 November 2011 4:37

Nope.

lol_ironic_life 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:08

I almost thought this FML was leading to her stuffing raw meat down someone's throat. 0_0 Then yes she would've been even more crazy!

markrs 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 16:39

I like raw meat down my troat........................ How else do I eat sushi?

AshleighNason 24

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Thursday 17 November 2011 6:24

lol

heathz 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:09

hey OP look on the bright side, at least she didn't stuff it down your throat!!

SkoomaKi 27

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Tuesday 8 May 2012 1:55

Actually, that would be better. I feel hungry now :(

ambamm135 7

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:09

Oh god the house must have had a putrid stench sorry op

Im2Handsom 1

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

Shove a potato in her muffler.

NotMuchLuck 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:38

Boil'em, Mash'em, Stick'em in a stew

noobgang7 5

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:13

Pour sugar in her gas tank

You_Need_Soap 6

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:28

Dildo, it's stick a dildo in the tailpipe.

Thizzkidsgotgame 7

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 19:59

Its best not to f*ck with crazy people. Just get her outta there. And tell her to take her meat with her.

bemylove123 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

What a waste of perfectly good food.

cntryiscntrywide 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:14

I'd kindly kick her ass, and shove her face in the meat.

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 20:58

Is there a way to kick someone's arse kindly?

heathz 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:15

oh...didn't notice someone else made a comment about " meat being stuffed down the throat" my bad!! :o)

KJON 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:49

Let me have a taste

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 250

You deserved it 676

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 803

Classic

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

It's not what you think!

Diaspora

Serfs

Thanks mom, you're the best

Our soul

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