Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered...

By ledon - 16/11/2011 04:15 - Canada

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

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Miscellaneous

No one likes a smart-ass

The opposite of a good idea

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 21:34 - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

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By Scared - 5/6/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By fuuu. - 19/3/2012 12:39 - Hong Kong

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

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By anonymous - 5/2/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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By sneeuwbal - 25/12/2014 18:36 - Belgium - Dilbeek

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

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By ocean555 - 7/3/2011 00:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my Facebook profile picture, of me between my boyfriend and a friend, is actually me between my boyfriend and the girl he has been cheating on me with. FML

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By ilook12 - 24/6/2015 03:23 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

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By Broke and Blonde - 10/3/2019 12:00

Today, I had an interview for a new position in my company. The head of HR decided to sit and I got so nervous that I just spouted gibberish for 45 minutes. Pretty sure I convinced her I’m not qualified for the position I’m currently in. FML

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By blackvogue - 1/4/2009 10:42 - Canada

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

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By WeakBitch - 18/2/2018 15:00

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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By Chris - 11/1/2010 13:43 - Ireland

Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML

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By nah - 9/9/2015 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

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By gooddeedgonebad - 26/5/2013 09:19 - Australia - Upper Swan

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

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By jj - 7/11/2014 05:47 - Australia - Windermere Park

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

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By "Sarah-Louise James" - 29/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

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By herpderp - 11/2/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML

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By notsoskinny - 18/4/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I gained a few pounds and thought I looked fat. He replied that I looked the same and that I shouldn't worry because he likes fat girls. I never thought I was fat before this. FML

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By someonevexed - 1/2/2009 19:01 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML

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By fthis - 27/1/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend for an hour listening to him talk about his new truck and his final exams. I literally did not say a single word. Just as I said, "Hey baby, guess what happened to me today?", he says, "Can I go to sleep? I'm too tired to guess. Night." FML

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By pitytitty - 9/1/2015 09:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

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By mokki - 31/3/2015 12:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 19:26 - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

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By Des - 11/5/2019 18:00

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 23:27 - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 04:00

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By Darth Spasticus - 14/11/2015 09:12 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

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By BatBee - 3/8/2016 02:29 - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

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By Dig4life - 5/6/2015 13:42 - United States - Kent

Today, after telling my mom that I'll be going to Las Vegas with my dad for my 21st birthday, she started ranting about how my dad always wanted to abort me and that she was the only one who actually wanted me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

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By thehaystackerine - 24/6/2020 14:02

Bad boy

Today, my family and I are spending the weekend with my in-laws, and their disrespectful, disobedient asshole of a dog. He does whatever he wants, and if I scold him, my mother-in-law in turn scolds me, then tells me how something one of us did is to blame for the dog's behavior. FML

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By dammit_ - 16/2/2009 07:36 - Canada

Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked "what's up lovebirds?". Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML

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By MoMoneyMoProblems - 7/8/2014 08:23 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I managed to get a €5 note tangled in the zip on my purse. I couldn't open it without ripping it to shreds. FML

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By Meow - 15/9/2009 13:21 - Singapore

Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomitting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2017 03:00 - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

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By lostlove - 1/10/2011 02:57 - United States

Today, I was trying to find my first message on Facebook. When I was reaching the bottom, I saw a message from my old crush. It contained a paragraph confessing her love for me and asking me to write back. Don't know how I missed that one. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2015 04:16 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my psycho landlord threatened to take me to court if I don't pay my rent on time this month. I'd totally understand if he weren't my father-in-law, and if the reason I didn't pay on time before was because of hospital fees I'd incurred for an emergency appendectomy. FML

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By PaneraSucks - 19/2/2014 06:24 - United States - Londonderry

Today, a customer at work pronounced the word "Asian" as "Ah-See-Awn" when ordering a salad. I wasn't allowed to say anything. FML

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By TordNorski - 4/5/2016 17:44 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I finally had a day off in two weeks and I was excited about getting to sleep in. At 5am, my mom came in and knocked loudly. When I asked her what she wanted, she said she was checking to see if I was asleep. FML

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Top comments

By enonymous | 8

#3592885 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

It's like Easter egg hunt with meat!! Measter!

By Im2Handsom | 1

#3592913 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

Shove a potato in her muffler.

Comments

By Ballzdeepinya | 0

#3592878 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:05

First

By foodlord | 5

#3592883 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

Where did she get it all?!

bemylove123 | 9

#3592904 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:10

I'm guessing the grocery store.

FYLDeep | 25

#3592942 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:19

She slaughtered a cow in the bathtub and ran it through a meat grinder in the kitchen.

Freeze_fml | 16

#3592948 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:20

Raw hamburger meat usually derives from cows.

boofgall | 16

#3592975 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:35

She sounds psychotic. Kick her out fast!

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593012 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:55

14- Does that mean that KFC is looking for a new mascot?

kcircuses | 1

#3593044 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:20

30-no they aren't because KFC is chicken not cow

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593048 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:24

30- This is getting off topic, but you realize that the KFC mascot is a cow holding a sign that's says "eat more chicken" right?

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593051 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:28

that says*

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3593741 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 10:38

Sorry 39. I was thinking of Chik-Fil-A. In my exhaustion, I got the two confused.

zombicidal | 11

#3594115 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:42

colonel Sanders is actually a cow that tried to lead a war against other livestock and decided to start with chicken true story

boofgall | 16

#3610008 - Sunday 20 November 2011 11:30

Is it just me, or was # 30, 40, 41, and 43 all a conversation to themself?

badluckalex | 23

#5969664 - Monday 9 June 2014 11:18

the other comment (s) are either moderated or later in the comment section. either way im too lazy to check lol

By enonymous | 8

#3592885 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:07

It's like Easter egg hunt with meat!! Measter!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593812 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593814 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593816 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

New public holiday. Tell Obama!!

KoolKidFly | 0

#3593837 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:59

New public holiday. Tell Obama

CalCommando | 6

#3593959 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:44

Collect them all! And if you don't your house will smell like shit!

ShakeMeDown | 12

#3596042 - Thursday 17 November 2011 4:37

Nope.

By lol_ironic_life | 9

#3592893 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:08

I almost thought this FML was leading to her stuffing raw meat down someone's throat. 0_0 Then yes she would've been even more crazy!

markrs | 0

#3594600 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 16:39

I like raw meat down my troat........................
How else do I eat sushi?

AshleighNason | 24

#3596185 - Thursday 17 November 2011 6:24

lol

By heathz | 9

#3592898 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:09

hey OP look on the bright side, at least she didn't stuff it down your throat!!

SkoomaKi | 27

#4404702 - Tuesday 8 May 2012 1:55

Actually, that would be better. I feel hungry now :(

By ambamm135 | 7

#3592901 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:09

Oh god the house must have had a putrid stench sorry op

By Im2Handsom | 1

#3592913 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

Shove a potato in her muffler.

NotMuchLuck | 0

#3593952 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:38

Boil'em, Mash'em, Stick'em in a stew

noobgang7 | 5

#3594041 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:13

Pour sugar in her gas tank

You_Need_Soap | 6

#3594235 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:28

Dildo, it's stick a dildo in the tailpipe.

Thizzkidsgotgame | 7

#3595090 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 19:59

Its best not to f*ck with crazy people. Just get her outta there. And tell her to take her meat with her.

By bemylove123 | 9

#3592915 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:12

What a waste of perfectly good food.

By cntryiscntrywide | 0

#3592922 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:14

I'd kindly kick her ass, and shove her face in the meat.

False_Stupidity | 41

#3595176 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 20:58

Is there a way to kick someone's arse kindly?

By heathz | 9

#3592923 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 9:15

oh...didn't notice someone else made a comment about " meat being stuffed down the throat" my bad!! :o)

KJON | 0

#3593791 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:49

Let me have a taste