Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and... - FML

By Anonymous - 9/3/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

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Understandable

Tense

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

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By - 7/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 09:25 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML

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By wheelchairgirl - 16/12/2016 01:21 - Denmark

Today, I was watching a beautiful flock of birds flying overhead while walking in the street. The guy next to me was lucky enough to catch bird poop with his forehead. I was lucky enough to get distracted by it, trip, and break my ankle. FML

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By ALLALA - 4/4/2009 23:34 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2018 01:30

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

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By faeliality - 16/4/2017 16:00

Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML

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By Eyesore - 16/4/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

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By CatCreator - 11/10/2019 14:00

Making a Murderer

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By HURP - 17/6/2015 15:41 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

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By JustSomeGuy - 30/7/2013 03:43 - United States - Bulverde

Like a virgin

Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML

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By constipated - 3/6/2017 02:00

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By JealousBratMuch - 26/7/2013 00:51 - Canada - High River

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 16:40 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML

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By princeronron - 8/9/2015 02:02 - Switzerland - Prilly

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

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By lonelyashell - 2/3/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

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By alison - 4/7/2015 05:02 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

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By Mangled Shoelace - 2/2/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

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By stacyyvonne - 7/10/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I finally found the courage to tell my drug addict husband that I'm leaving him. He sat in his chair, denying using drugs, ever. Right after he said this, he passed out and spilled hot coffee on himself. He then denied spilling the coffee. As I was leaving, he took all of my shoes. FML

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By c.m.g. - 27/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

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By Unhelpful - 7/2/2012 04:27 - United States

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

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By ugh - 12/11/2014 03:31 - United States - Antioch

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML

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By Jaclk - 24/4/2012 21:28 - United States - Needham

Today, my parents went out of town and I was home all alone. I put up party decorations such as streamers, balloons and confetti. Then, I drank out of red cups, crushed them up and put them all over the house. I didn't have a party, I just wanted to convince my family that I'm not a loser. FML

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By BRELLA - 3/2/2009 19:58 - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, at work, the prizes were given to the employee of the month. They come in to surprise the winner and give prizes. They come over to my cubicle and cover me with silly string. Jokingly, I said: "Do you guys have the wrong cubicle? " They did. The guy in the next cubicle won. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I found out that the cause of the recent pain in my chest was that I had a torn muscle. What caused this? I sneezed. FML

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By ginkobiloba - 29/11/2016 11:01

Today, a door-to-door salesman came to my apartment. I was too lazy to change from my teddy bear print pajamas, fuzzy socks and pink slippers when opening the door to him. He took one look at me and asked, "Hello darling, are your mommy and daddy home?" I'm 22 and live here on my own. FML

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By chi-huaHUA - 4/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 14:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

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By Talented73 - 25/4/2017 20:00

Today, while brushing my teeth, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush when a few bristles got caught on the lip of the tube and flung a glob of toothpaste into my eye. My eye is now bloodshot, but at least it's minty fresh. FML

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By CockroachCluster - 2/6/2018 01:30

Today, I turned on my A/C for the first time in a couple of months. A family of ginormous cockroaches climbed out of the air vent and a few clumps of dead cockroaches fell to the ground. FML

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By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - 8/10/2015 16:04 - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

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By apparentlyweird - 28/8/2018 22:00

Haters Gonna Hate

Today, my dad's new girlfriend's daughter came over with them. She had a tantrum because my brand new computer, which I worked and saved for, was better than her notebook, which was bought for her. So what did she do? Oh, she threw it off my desk. For some reason I'm being yelled at. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 00:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I came home from a long shift at work to find that my roommate had completely rearranged all of the furniture. Apparently the new arrangement is supposed to improve the feng shui of our apartment. My bed is in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 16:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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Top comments

By rattusrattus | 18

#4142283 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:22

Ah, yes, the adaptation of Tolkien's long-lost tale of hobbits, hunting, and many, many explosions. It's one of my favourites. The hobbit with the eyepatch is the best hobbit.

By iamyummylicious | 14

#4142290 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:23

Maybe you misheard her. Because there is a movie called Hobos With Shotguns. Or maybe she misspoke.

COMMENTS

By rattusrattus | 18

#4142283 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:22

Ah, yes, the adaptation of Tolkien's long-lost tale of hobbits, hunting, and many, many explosions. It's one of my favourites. The hobbit with the eyepatch is the best hobbit.

Reply

officeradvil | 8

#4142340 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:30

Is it just me, or does anyone else really want to see that movie?

Reply

leprechaun23 | 15

#4142343 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:30

Sounds like it would be an oscar winning movie

Reply

DeboDaGreat | 3

#4142349 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:31

But if there was one.......

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4142380 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:34

What would happen 20?

Reply

at_1sexymofo | 3

#4142406 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:37

Customers are idiots

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4142415 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:38

Then OP could have given it to her and this whole situation would have been avoided. Too bad there isn't such a film. :[

Reply

BABYPUNCHINGGUY | 0

#4142437 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:40

Great bow im mad because there is no such movie. C'MON HOLLYWOOD YOU RELEASE CRAP LIKE GREEN LANTERN BUT YOU WONT MAKE THIS!!!!!!

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#4142452 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:42

every character is cooler with an eye patch look at kenpachi zaraki ten extra bad ass points instantly because of his optical covering

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#4142574 - Saturday 10 March 2012 3:03

@19: To win an Oscar, it would have to have either a brilliant soundtrack, or give the eyepatch hobbit a tragic background involving a puppy, a lost love, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and an anti-tank rifle.

Reply

robpressley93 | 8

#4142692 - Saturday 10 March 2012 3:38

23- you're a cunt!

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#4143118 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:22

Hahahaha what did u say 71. Repeat. Repeat

Reply

mnmolino | 14

#4143219 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:32

39 - yes, the eye patch helps his character so much:)

Reply

mnmolino | 14

#4143221 - Saturday 10 March 2012 6:31

39 - yes, the eye patch helps his character so much:)

Reply

cyK0tek | 0

#4146333 - Saturday 10 March 2012 20:39

71, I know the feelin' bro...

By Sophie10134 | 8

#4142285 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:22

First.. And I agree your life sucks

By AdamBasebal69 | 0

#4142287 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:23

Thats my favorite movie :)

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4142455 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:43

In the customer's world, apparently all they need is their "imagination!" (spongebob reference :P)

By iamyummylicious | 14

#4142290 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:23

Maybe you misheard her. Because there is a movie called Hobos With Shotguns. Or maybe she misspoke.

Reply

iamyummylicious | 14

#4142320 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:29

Erm, my mistake. Hobo with a Shotgun*

Its actually a really good film. Its about a hobo vigilante. He kills a pedo santa while he's masturbating in his car by a park. Its a fucking epic film.

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4142394 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:35

such a good movie, its funny as hell.

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142413 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:38

15 like my post said it was an awkward movie like no words can't describe that movie it's...... ? :(

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142426 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:39

Still can't describe.

Reply

Junkie_Razor | 20

#4142809 - Saturday 10 March 2012 4:30

Rutger Hauer is a legend in that film.

Reply

hazardoussmiles9 | 22

#4144264 - Saturday 10 March 2012 15:28

That movie scarred me for the rest of my life...

By MargieDrury | 1

#4142297 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:25

There's a really awkward movie "hobos with shotguns".

Reply

RahmEsHestos | 5

#4142309 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:27

It's "Hobbits" not hobos

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142323 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:29

Umm no there's definitely a movie called a hobo with a shotgun. So get it right.

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142354 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:31

Thanks!

Reply

SaturnV | 25

#4142364 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:32

12 - the actual movie title is indeed "Hobos With Shotguns". Almost certainly what the customer was thinking of but had the title wrong.

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142449 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:42

22-I'm not sure because other people are commenting on how hobbits with a shotguns is a real movie. But personally I've never herd of it so.

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4142461 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:43

you're a smart one aren't you?

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142464 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:43

Gftyggf yhv

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142472 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:45

I hope that wasn't sarcasm but like I said I haven't herd of the movie so I was "figuring" that it was a real movie.

Reply

RetardedChipmunk | 7

#4142497 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:50

I think 41 was saying that because you didn't put an "a" in heard, but don't worry most people don't give a shit

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4142499 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:50

the people commenting that hobbits with shotguns is a real movie are joking...

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142517 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:53

That's fucking gay.

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142532 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:55

46- that's not true because you have petty ass "grammar nazi" people out there that piss me off.

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142583 - Saturday 10 March 2012 3:06

Kk, awesome. Bored and sleepy hitting the hay. I'm going stop coming to this post love you guys have fun with life.

Reply

MargieDrury | 1

#4142587 - Saturday 10 March 2012 3:07

Night. Love you guys.

Reply

mikeduse | 0

#4143689 - Saturday 10 March 2012 9:07

Are you a bit slow? Obviously there is no movie called hobbits with shotguns and obviously the people saying it were joking, I just can't believe you fell for it, nice grammar by the way too..

Reply

alexturner19 | 0

#4143841 - Saturday 10 March 2012 11:30

It's " Hobo with a shotgun "

Reply

ryokutheman | 0

#4146501 - Saturday 10 March 2012 21:21

Wrong, it's "Hobo with a shotgun" singular, not plural. It's very gruesome actually, so I wouldn't recommend watching it if you have a weak stomach.

Reply

oOxMERROxOo | 0

#4147174 - Sunday 11 March 2012 1:41

Hobo with a shotgun

Reply

edgardallas5151 | 1

#4148431 - Sunday 11 March 2012 8:45

Fucking stole my comment Bitch!!!

By RahmEsHestos | 5

#4142298 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:26

Well at least you didn't end up like some of the other OPs who got fired for such things like this when te customers complain to a manager

By RabidBunny | 10

#4142300 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:27

The customer is always right! I have it on blu-ray! You weren't looking hard enough and deserve a demotion! :D

Reply

knifeywifey | 0

#4143767 - Saturday 10 March 2012 10:19

Then why can't I find it on imdb wiener

By buckeye08 | 10

#4142302 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:27

Ignorance is bliss (:

Reply

whynotbliss | 18

#4142997 - Saturday 10 March 2012 5:37

Careful how you toss that phrase around!

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#4143803 - Saturday 10 March 2012 10:43

9 - I dunno, that customer sounds pretty distressed; not very blissful

Reply

buckeye08 | 10

#4144719 - Saturday 10 March 2012 16:57

93 - your name is so appropriate :P

By GetHardOrGoHome | 7

#4142304 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:27

I love that movie!

Reply

vengeance501 | 8

#4142680 - Saturday 10 March 2012 3:37

Too bad you ate it.

Reply

kittenvks | 11

#4142907 - Saturday 10 March 2012 5:10

You're a real ass

Reply

Swiftly | 0

#4142932 - Saturday 10 March 2012 5:16

^don't forget hole!

Reply

buckeye08 | 10

#4142992 - Saturday 10 March 2012 5:36

I'm straight, but all I can say is "boobs". lol

Reply

amanda_say_whutt | 9

#4143010 - Saturday 10 March 2012 5:40

69- that's pretty fucked up bro.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4146765 - Saturday 10 March 2012 22:46

69 you suck, you don't even have a photo of yourself so stfu.

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#4142306 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:27

Psh, duh there isnt a movie called Hobbits with Shotguns. It's Hobbits with Pistols! Jeez, people in this world...

Reply

kenoswild | 14

#4142468 - Saturday 10 March 2012 2:44

lol dang. we had almost the same idea...posted before i read this. lol