Work: Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my... - FML

By O - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Surprise strike

By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

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By potheadloljk - United States - East Machias

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I beat her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 11:01

Cursed FML

Today, my parents think the only reason I'm gay is because I have a curse that makes me attracted to females and I'm actually straight. At this point, even my older sisters believe it which is crazy. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By ouch - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

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By Cat vs. Dog - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

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By noname - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By desperategurl - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

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By izu - United States

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

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By CreepyPaperDoll - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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By heresmybellybotton - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

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By Joe - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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By RayneSong - United States - Lansing

Today, I'm in the hospital and it's been 44 hours since I've eaten anything. My doctors won't let me eat and my parents are sitting across the room, eating. FML

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By Anonymous

Pleasant smell

Today, while watching TV in my dorm, I clearly heard my roommate yell to someone proudly, "I've only taken a shower 4 or 5 times since I've been here." He's been my roommate for four months. FML

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By stoprubbingitinmyface - United States - Tacoma

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

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By FML - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By can’t sleep - 17/6/2020 17:04

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, and for the fourth time in a week, my 60-year-old neighbors have woken me up by having obnoxiously loud sex. Complete with over the top moaning and the headboard smashing against our shared wall. When I asked them nicely to quiet down, they laughed and called me jealous. FML

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By Anon - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I took a phone call in the bathroom, since the rest of the house was too noisy. I sat down on the toilet and waited while they put me on hold. After a while, I must have forgotten the lid was down and my pants were still on, because I started peeing myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By ... - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

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By

Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

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By wtf - United States - Dearborn

Today, I walked into my bedroom to find my boyfriend clipping his toe nails into my pillow case. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By EwwwwYuck - 3/8/2020 02:02

Yummy

Today, I set my parrot in the bathroom while I cleaned his cage, thinking he would be safe there. He was in fact safe, but not so the used maxi pad he chewed up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By saywhatnow - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 05:01

Technologically challenged

Today, my aged mother continued to complain about her computer issues to me. A relative, who is good at tech support, won't bother servicing her computer because whatever she does ends up bogging it down the next day, so I have to hear about it on the phone. FML

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By

Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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Top comments

By firefox9778 | 20

#6212600 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:47

Oof. Don't you hate it how people blame you for their own mistakes? Sorry OP! Hopefully it gets fixed :)

By A07 | 48

#6212604 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:49

Sorry OP, but you need to sit him down and explain it to him slowly and then hope he gets it.

COMMENTS

By firefox9778 | 20

#6212600 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:47

Oof. Don't you hate it how people blame you for their own mistakes? Sorry OP! Hopefully it gets fixed :)

Reply

slick5880 | 22

#6212654 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 18:38

Get some business cards made for him to hand out. Then there won't be any reason for him to mess up.

Reply

ana_lee_bonde | 17

#6212761 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 19:41

Yeah it's like the one-two punch of management.
Little guy always takes the blame and if you aren't the type that blames others in middle management upper level will see you as incompetent.

By tyropiu | 13

#6212601 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:48

Well your boss needs to realize that he's giving the wrong number

By Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6212602 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:48

You need to smack your boss, in the name of the Emperor!

By Cass_x | 22

#6212603 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:48

Then tell him? And if he keeps saying the same thing; keep telling him the same thing.

By A07 | 48

#6212604 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:49

Sorry OP, but you need to sit him down and explain it to him slowly and then hope he gets it.

By AHotCupOfCoffee | 28

#6212605 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:49

What if he called the wrong number and meant to call someone else (for his rant)?

By makkarari | 18

#6212606 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:50

Write your number down in big black bold numbers and tell him to give people the proper number and you will answer!

By ohdgod | 2

#6212607 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:50

kys

By matt721 | 8

#6212608 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:51

Confront him about the problem OP!

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6212609 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:51

Confront him about it, I'm sure he'll understand

Reply

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6212619 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 18:03

You really haven't worked a lot if you think the boss would understand that he's the reason the clients are frustrated.