Animals: Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it...

By Karaline45

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

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2548

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Animals

Boozehound

QUIET PLEASE

Packaging

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46414

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By Cpm - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40406

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5059

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By wowzer - Puerto Rico - Gurabo

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44265

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By Anonymous - United States - High Springs

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14288

You deserved it

2706

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By Sigh - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48769

You deserved it

2594

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By disturbedtosaytheleast - Canada

Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23913

You deserved it

2656

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By citylife - United States

Today, I realized how tiny my apartment is, when I was able to vacuum from bedroom to bathroom through the living room without switching the power outlet from the one in the kitchen. I pay a fortune to live in this shoebox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46612

You deserved it

10026

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Peek a boo

Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68816

You deserved it

16081

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By ashleeylynn - United States

Today, I got mugged. They wanted my phone and wallet. The most important thing in my wallet was my fully punched Smoothie King card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28079

You deserved it

3927

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By period pains - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32720

You deserved it

2114

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2020 20:00

Good bye!

Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and instead of talking to him I burped, and he just walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

You deserved it

699

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked 4 hours for a huge mail call to get all the troops their Christmas mail. And just like every other mail call I did not receive one package or letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29991

You deserved it

2497

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10602

You deserved it

42168

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By roofer - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54419

You deserved it

2590

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By Manly Sneeze

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13004

You deserved it

1516

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By Boyufd - 5/11/2020 17:01

They're not real

Today, my girlfriend, KNOWING I have severe arachnophobia, changed the wallpapers on my phone and tablet to pictures of tarantulas, all because she's mad at me. And she won't change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

791

You deserved it

301

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By yashika - United States - Denver

Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1485

You deserved it

120

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed a young child wandering out onto a busy street. I managed to grab his arm just as he stepped off the sidewalk and yank him away from almost certain death. My reward was his mother, who was on her cell phone the whole time, screaming at me for touching her child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38101

You deserved it

2518

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By Anonymous - Germany

Night terrors

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26453

You deserved it

2468

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By Shitty Boss Shitty Job - United States - Davenport

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

I agree, your life sucks

51896

You deserved it

6506

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By superjstorm - Philippines

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33817

You deserved it

9661

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By bob the builders pissed off daughter - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21873

You deserved it

1381

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2020 20:01

Bustin' my ass

Today, I went in for an interview. While I was waiting to be called, I used the restroom. When I stood up to wipe, I slipped on the floor and fell ass first into the unflushed toilet. I was found an hour later, covered in my own shit and too injured to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1220

You deserved it

143

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By Forever alone - 21/12/2020 17:02 - United States - Hesperia

Sorry…

Today, I was falling in love with the nostalgia of having handwritten love letters and flowers left on my windshield. Turns out my "secret admirer" was just a mean prank conjured up by my coworkers. They laughed. I cried, hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1586

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By Celewyn - Australia

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11976

You deserved it

1010

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By Julie is in pain - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26080

You deserved it

2446

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By toelie

Oh the times, they are a-changin'

Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4971

You deserved it

571

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By do your own ironing

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45713

You deserved it

5534

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By nofooddrinkorsex - United States

Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1768

You deserved it

234

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By anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got a brand new down comforter and duvet cover that I really liked. I'd finally managed to put everything the way I wanted it, and then my roommate's dog came and peed all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11776

You deserved it

884

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By "Geric Brawner"

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4545

You deserved it

989

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By Mel Ancholy - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35241

You deserved it

8160

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By worriedman - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27977

You deserved it

2123

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By Anonymous - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54482

You deserved it

8124

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By notacreeper

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was "Does she know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42138

You deserved it

5286

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By concusion - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31359

You deserved it

3255

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By Alyssa - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11753

You deserved it

82515

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By helen_ - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

65220

You deserved it

6006

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By Kimberly - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54237

You deserved it

8998

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By "Tarun Kumar"

Her plan!

Today, my girlfriend planned our day, she wanted to play FIFA before having sex. I won 11-0. She stormed out of the room, went home and isn't picking my calls / texting back. It's been 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1879

You deserved it

978

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Top comments

By Allie614032 | 34

#7737967 - Saturday 15 December 2018 5:51

Pretty sure that's more of an F the deer's life...

By RichardPencil | 29

#7737988 - Saturday 15 December 2018 7:49

That’s a pretty fast ROI for your new killing machine.

COMMENTS

By Allie614032 | 34

#7737967 - Saturday 15 December 2018 5:51

Pretty sure that's more of an F the deer's life...

By pinilicious | 19

#7737968 - Saturday 15 December 2018 5:55

O deer that's bad.

By manb91uk | 22

#7737971 - Saturday 15 December 2018 6:12

Oh.................... No!

Fuck off! I don't pick low hanging fruit!

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7738207 - Saturday 15 December 2018 21:12

I'm proud of you.

By ned diggers | 14

#7737972 - Saturday 15 December 2018 6:34

Reminds me of the episode of "King of the Hill" where Bobby hits a buck with Hank's truck as part of his Rite of Passage.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7737988 - Saturday 15 December 2018 7:49

That’s a pretty fast ROI for your new killing machine.

By sheltongrn | 7

#7738149 - Saturday 15 December 2018 17:59

Hope you bought GAP insurance

By fjvitt | 14

#7738175 - Saturday 15 December 2018 19:09

Deerly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing...

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7738228 - Saturday 15 December 2018 23:00

Those repairs are going to be expensive. That doesn't sound right... what's the word I'm looking for?

By belladonna1025 | 16

#7739003 - Monday 17 December 2018 11:27

hope you had gap insurance