Work: Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found... - FML

By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

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The geyser

And probably giggling

Masterchef 2020

By Cristie - Canada

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Planned Parenthood

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life, I'm a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

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By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 00:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Relax

Today, in the attempt to have a relaxing self-care evening, I ran a bath, threw in some bath salts then put a face mask on and hopped on in. After about 7 minutes of relaxing, my back started burning, so I got out only to discover the bath salts have given me a rash. FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By iamchazzi - United States - Madison

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 14:01

The Other Woman

Today, I found out that my boyfriend’s other girlfriend is pregnant. He doesn’t know that I know. A few days ago he told me that he couldn't have a baby with anyone. She has to be the right one, I guess I wasn’t. FML

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By shitforchris - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By dirk855 - United States

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

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By Toothy_Peg - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

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By D.J. - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By tripleBBB

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By story of my life. - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

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By BrokeAfnow - 2/5/2021 02:01

Disappearing act

Today, it was my son’s birthday. I took him out to a eat and wanted to surprise him with a new iPhone. I handed the waitress the iPhone and asked her to bring it out with the cake I brought. The cake comes out, without the iPhone. The waitress said she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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By Rabite - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

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By mattlikesfunions - United States - Federal Way

Today, I told my parents that I was going on a diet to lose weight and I wanted their support. They brought home donuts and pizza for dinner. FML

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By smh - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

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By OfficeSlave - United States

Today, I found out that my company is paying more for hors d'oeuvres at one party than I will receive for my entire year long internship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hills

Today, I went downstairs completely naked to get water, completely forgetting that my daughter had a sleepover and they were in the living room. The ice dispenser woke some of them up, including my daughter. FML

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By 242795 - United States - Buies Creek

Today, after finally deciding to push past my extreme shyness, I talked to the person beside me in class. I was so nervous that when I went to take a sip of my coffee, it slipped out of my hand and splashed all over both of us. Not only did I ruin her white dress, but I also gave her mild burns. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2021 21:30

Skyped out

Today, I had one minute to go before a team meeting from my work, a blackout occurred in my block. The outage lasted an hour. The meeting was about 40 minutes long. FML

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By keeks_25 - Canada

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

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By babysheets - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Gorebridge

Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

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By stupidtoothpick2 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lufkin

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

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By thechaos - United States - Pittsfield

Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML

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By jamjamy - France

Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

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By Anonymous

Racing rats

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Townsend

Today, my 27 year old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

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By blinkanimgone - Australia

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML

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By ellie - United States

Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML

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Top comments

By WitEluded | 13

#6395964 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

Here is what you should do... Go to the teacher/professor and explain what your friends did. Show them your essay and how hard you worked on it.

Then ask them if they will help you to get your friends back by assigning the same essay to them.

By heftysmash253 | 6

#6395967 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:22

If anything you have prepared yourself for future tests or papers and could possibly use that same paper for a different assignment. Writing things out always helped me study for things. Although I would also be pissed if my friends did that.

COMMENTS

By Googolman | 29

#6395946 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:14

I think you need new friends.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6395993 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:59

Why? Because of a joke?

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6396000 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:15

@17 She wasted her time writing an essay that wasn't even assigned instead of focusing on getting well. What kind of asshole does that to someone they call a friend?

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396013 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:23

Me and my friends must be cruel bc this is pretty tame

Reply

ThatOneAstro | 15

#6396050 - Saturday 29 August 2015 3:46

I agree or either they're best friends.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396499 - Saturday 29 August 2015 16:16

I convinced my friend to drive almost 4 hours to rescue me from a place that I wasn't. When he got back we got into a fist fight and then we got really drunk and we were fine.

By missfitJen | 7

#6395950 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:16

That's actually hilarious! !! but they should have told you lol

Reply

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395968 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:27

"Hey we're gonna pull a prank on you can you play along?"

By 1DisGR8 | 32

#6395953 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:17

Who needs enemies when you have friends like that?

By theusediscool | 26

#6395958 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:18

I'd say it's time to start planning some sweet revenge!

By WitEluded | 13

#6395964 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

Here is what you should do... Go to the teacher/professor and explain what your friends did. Show them your essay and how hard you worked on it.

Then ask them if they will help you to get your friends back by assigning the same essay to them.

Reply

pleasedie | 22

#6395986 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:45

Sounds like a fun idea but I seriously doubt that'd ever work in real life.

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6395987 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:45

You should definitely do this

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6395997 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:09

Yeah, and also maybe show it to your teacher anyways to see if you can get some extra credit out of it :)

Reply

wtfdude12345 | 17

#6396422 - Saturday 29 August 2015 12:43

#5 I like your style. OP, are they worth your time?

Reply

katachristic | 19

#6396431 - Saturday 29 August 2015 13:54

Yeah, and fuck the rest of the class in the process.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6395966 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

At least you know that they are dickheads. You need new friends.

And also, listen to some of these comments, there are ought to be good plans for revenge.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396011 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:22

Really uptight people around here. sheesh

Reply

Mynamewontfi | 40

#6396040 - Saturday 29 August 2015 3:19

#24 Or maybe your idea of joking around is shitty. Playing pranks on friends is fine, but there are limits. OP's "friends" crossed that line.

By heftysmash253 | 6

#6395967 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:22

If anything you have prepared yourself for future tests or papers and could possibly use that same paper for a different assignment. Writing things out always helped me study for things. Although I would also be pissed if my friends did that.

By MistyKittyx | 22

#6395970 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:29

Ditch.

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6396003 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:18

@9 What would that solve?

Reply

First_JOman | 22

#6396178 - Saturday 29 August 2015 7:03

21:
I think 9 is suggesting that OP should play Ding-Dong-Ditch with these "friends" until it drives them mad.

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6395974 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:34

"Friends"

By worldclassrager | 39

#6395978 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:39

Extra credit assignment? Or maybe you can turn it into another class for a writing assignment