Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 06:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

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Who's a good boy?

Banished

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 21:43 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

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By thjeltz - 27/10/2010 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

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By Lissa - 10/9/2019 20:00

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 18:54 - United States - Decatur

Today, I drove across two states to see my brother, who's had a history of heart problems. My mother had sent me a long e-mail saying he was on his death bed and wanted to talk to me to "get his affairs in order." When I arrived worriedly, he was fine. My mother guilt-tripped me to come visit. FML

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By patient_mom - 14/6/2015 01:27 - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

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By legotron - 17/10/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

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By "Levi2411" - 31/12/2019 04:00

Today, I'm babysitting. The kids have only been home at the same time together for 15 minutes. Two of them have punched each other and the other is running in circles screaming. What is wrong with this picture? FML

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By Clive81 - 17/2/2015 20:02 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML

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By James4929 - 8/1/2010 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a long-haul plane journey home from my holiday. After 5 hours, I decided to stretch my arms whilst watching a movie. Little did I know that a little girl was approaching, running down the aisle as my arm stretched out. I accidentally clothes-lined a little 9 year old girl. FML

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By Username - 6/7/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML

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By One less friend... - 17/5/2018 13:00 - United States - Schnecksville

Today, thinking my ex-gothic friend was going through another "wear all black" phase, I walked up to her and jokingly asked who died. Her father. Her father died. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 10:48

Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML

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By Tigerninjagoalie - 20/6/2016 23:13 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

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By embareassed - 20/1/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

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By Mmm - 25/7/2015 10:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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By guessimdead - 19/4/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By anonymous - 27/11/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

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By TheTruthofWomen - 4/11/2013 05:45 - United States

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

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By rebecca - 10/3/2009 21:31 - Austria

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML

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By Potted - 16/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Denton

Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML

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By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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By Ribonuke211 - 12/8/2020 02:02

Territorial pissings

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 26/5/2020 20:00

Expanding universe

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

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By izoliv - 22/11/2008 08:17 - France

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

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By paymeinhugs - 17/3/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean with my best friend and a giant wave came and knocked off the bottom of my bikini. My friend told me that she would go get another bottom so I could walk onto the very crowded beach. She left me for half an hour, laughing from the shore with her entire family. FML

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By KitchenFlooder - 1/2/2018 01:30

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

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By sandiego - 22/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

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By stuckhome - 8/4/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

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By dumb dancer - 5/12/2014 01:54 - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

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By esoog - 19/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By Sorry - 2/10/2014 23:51 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

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By headache - 23/2/2015 01:41 - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By burnedboy - 18/1/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

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By mislead - 22/9/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2016 22:02

Today, what was meant to be a fun hour-long paddle with a friend turned into a 5 hour ordeal involving a coast guard helicopter, an ambulance, a hospital visit and a ruined canoe. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2012 18:55 - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By twit - 16/3/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

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Top comments

By WitEluded | 13

#6395964 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

Here is what you should do... Go to the teacher/professor and explain what your friends did. Show them your essay and how hard you worked on it.

Then ask them if they will help you to get your friends back by assigning the same essay to them.

By heftysmash253 | 6

#6395967 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:22

If anything you have prepared yourself for future tests or papers and could possibly use that same paper for a different assignment. Writing things out always helped me study for things. Although I would also be pissed if my friends did that.

COMMENTS

By Googolman | 29

#6395946 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:14

I think you need new friends.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6395993 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:59

Why? Because of a joke?

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6396000 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:15

@17 She wasted her time writing an essay that wasn't even assigned instead of focusing on getting well. What kind of asshole does that to someone they call a friend?

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396013 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:23

Me and my friends must be cruel bc this is pretty tame

Reply

ThatOneAstro | 15

#6396050 - Saturday 29 August 2015 3:46

I agree or either they're best friends.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396499 - Saturday 29 August 2015 16:16

I convinced my friend to drive almost 4 hours to rescue me from a place that I wasn't. When he got back we got into a fist fight and then we got really drunk and we were fine.

By missfitJen | 7

#6395950 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:16

That's actually hilarious! !! but they should have told you lol

Reply

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395968 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:27

"Hey we're gonna pull a prank on you can you play along?"

By 1DisGR8 | 32

#6395953 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:17

Who needs enemies when you have friends like that?

By theusediscool | 26

#6395958 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:18

I'd say it's time to start planning some sweet revenge!

By WitEluded | 13

#6395964 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

Here is what you should do... Go to the teacher/professor and explain what your friends did. Show them your essay and how hard you worked on it.

Then ask them if they will help you to get your friends back by assigning the same essay to them.

Reply

pleasedie | 22

#6395986 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:45

Sounds like a fun idea but I seriously doubt that'd ever work in real life.

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6395987 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:45

You should definitely do this

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6395997 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:09

Yeah, and also maybe show it to your teacher anyways to see if you can get some extra credit out of it :)

Reply

wtfdude12345 | 17

#6396422 - Saturday 29 August 2015 12:43

#5 I like your style. OP, are they worth your time?

Reply

katachristic | 19

#6396431 - Saturday 29 August 2015 13:54

Yeah, and fuck the rest of the class in the process.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6395966 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

At least you know that they are dickheads. You need new friends.

And also, listen to some of these comments, there are ought to be good plans for revenge.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396011 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:22

Really uptight people around here. sheesh

Reply

Mynamewontfi | 40

#6396040 - Saturday 29 August 2015 3:19

#24 Or maybe your idea of joking around is shitty. Playing pranks on friends is fine, but there are limits. OP's "friends" crossed that line.

By heftysmash253 | 6

#6395967 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:22

If anything you have prepared yourself for future tests or papers and could possibly use that same paper for a different assignment. Writing things out always helped me study for things. Although I would also be pissed if my friends did that.

By MistyKittyx | 22

#6395970 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:29

Ditch.

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6396003 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:18

@9 What would that solve?

Reply

First_JOman | 22

#6396178 - Saturday 29 August 2015 7:03

21:
I think 9 is suggesting that OP should play Ding-Dong-Ditch with these "friends" until it drives them mad.

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6395974 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:34

"Friends"

By worldclassrager | 39

#6395978 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:39

Extra credit assignment? Or maybe you can turn it into another class for a writing assignment