Work: Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found... - FML

By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

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Late term

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

By jgboy - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I took my girlfriend of a year out on a date, a nice fancy dinner and a movie. After dinner, I said that I was feeling sick and just wanted to go home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that dinner was so expensive that I didn't have money for the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my anxiety has been so bad, I have had vivid dreams of my boyfriend of 6 months cheating on me. This is not the first time these dreams have happened, and I know for a fact he is not cheating. My anxiety is going to turn me into the crazy girlfriend from hell. FML

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By e11ie - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By Typrokka - United Kingdom

Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left to do some shopping. I quickly put my handbag down on the side, threw the 'garbage' in the machine, watched it do its thing, and then turned round to find... the bag of garbage on the side. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By Nchristine - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad had backed into my already crappy car. The reason they didn't buy me a nicer car in the first place was they were afraid I'd wreck it. FML

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By kaleighf - United States - Hollywood

Today, a new girl showed up at my school and everyone really seems to be intrigued about her. I've been told at least five times today that she is the hotter version of me. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was called a "disabled buzzkill" for not letting someone pet my service dog. FML

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By BigBadTron - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriends house to be romantic and knocked on her window. She went and got her mother to see who was at the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

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By blahdyblahblah33 - United States

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

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By Moose - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out that storing a partially empty bowl of ice cream in the freezer overnight along with the spoon, and then trying to take a bite the next day, can have the same effect as sticking your tongue on a flagpole in the middle of winter. FML

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By Dx - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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By santa_maria - Reunion

Today, I had an interview for an internship at an independent lawyer's office. Hoping to increase my chances of being hired, I dressed up sexily with a short skirt, high heels, and ample cleavage. Turns out his wife handles the interviews. FML

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By Tyler - United States

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

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By retail can shart a cock - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

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By bitchonia - 28/3/2020 17:00 - Canada

Sign your name across my…?

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

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By sad - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

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By msleea - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my husband I felt unfulfilled and unhappy in my life. He suggested I do more chores. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, I was crying at my desk at work. My colleague tried to cheer me up by saying: "Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a new job soon". I didn't even know I was fired. I was crying because my cat died this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend told my four-year-old sister that "fatass" means "beautiful lady." I didn't know about this until I took my sister shopping with me. The woman at the till said she was adorable; my sister replied, "Thanks, fatass." FML

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By The Dishwasher - Canada - Guelph

Today, I started work at catering company. I was aware that I'd be cleaning dishes, but they forgot to warn me how many. Needless to say, after polishing 527 glasses, my hands hurt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpine

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend and I compared our No Shave November body hair. This is how I found out that my legs are hairier than his. FML

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By Asshole Parker - United States

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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By Panda Man - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

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By Whatthehell

Today, my husband's mistress purposely and dangerously induced her own labor so that she would have the baby on my birthday. Yes, I'm divorcing him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 20:01

No fun

Today, I was finishing a cigarette outside of the mall when we heard someone fart. Turns out it was a little girl. They looked around, so jokingly I said, "We didn't hear anything." Her family giggled and so did we, until everyone realized the little girl was now sobbing. I'm a POS. FML

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By HowAreYouAlive - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

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By huntbluntz95 - 18/11/2020 11:01

Cheapskate on the run

Today, I was at work at a coffee shop. We charge 50 cents every 15 minutes of use of our computers. An old man tried sneaking out without paying after being at a computer. As I was telling him to pay for his time, he threw a bagel at me and ran to his car. FML

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Top comments

By WitEluded | 13

#6395964 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

Here is what you should do... Go to the teacher/professor and explain what your friends did. Show them your essay and how hard you worked on it.

Then ask them if they will help you to get your friends back by assigning the same essay to them.

By heftysmash253 | 6

#6395967 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:22

If anything you have prepared yourself for future tests or papers and could possibly use that same paper for a different assignment. Writing things out always helped me study for things. Although I would also be pissed if my friends did that.

COMMENTS

By Googolman | 29

#6395946 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:14

I think you need new friends.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6395993 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:59

Why? Because of a joke?

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6396000 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:15

@17 She wasted her time writing an essay that wasn't even assigned instead of focusing on getting well. What kind of asshole does that to someone they call a friend?

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396013 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:23

Me and my friends must be cruel bc this is pretty tame

Reply

ThatOneAstro | 15

#6396050 - Saturday 29 August 2015 3:46

I agree or either they're best friends.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396499 - Saturday 29 August 2015 16:16

I convinced my friend to drive almost 4 hours to rescue me from a place that I wasn't. When he got back we got into a fist fight and then we got really drunk and we were fine.

By missfitJen | 7

#6395950 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:16

That's actually hilarious! !! but they should have told you lol

Reply

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6395968 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:27

"Hey we're gonna pull a prank on you can you play along?"

By 1DisGR8 | 32

#6395953 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:17

Who needs enemies when you have friends like that?

By theusediscool | 26

#6395958 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:18

I'd say it's time to start planning some sweet revenge!

By WitEluded | 13

#6395964 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

Here is what you should do... Go to the teacher/professor and explain what your friends did. Show them your essay and how hard you worked on it.

Then ask them if they will help you to get your friends back by assigning the same essay to them.

Reply

pleasedie | 22

#6395986 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:45

Sounds like a fun idea but I seriously doubt that'd ever work in real life.

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6395987 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:45

You should definitely do this

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6395997 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:09

Yeah, and also maybe show it to your teacher anyways to see if you can get some extra credit out of it :)

Reply

wtfdude12345 | 17

#6396422 - Saturday 29 August 2015 12:43

#5 I like your style. OP, are they worth your time?

Reply

katachristic | 19

#6396431 - Saturday 29 August 2015 13:54

Yeah, and fuck the rest of the class in the process.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6395966 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:20

At least you know that they are dickheads. You need new friends.

And also, listen to some of these comments, there are ought to be good plans for revenge.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6396011 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:22

Really uptight people around here. sheesh

Reply

Mynamewontfi | 40

#6396040 - Saturday 29 August 2015 3:19

#24 Or maybe your idea of joking around is shitty. Playing pranks on friends is fine, but there are limits. OP's "friends" crossed that line.

By heftysmash253 | 6

#6395967 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:22

If anything you have prepared yourself for future tests or papers and could possibly use that same paper for a different assignment. Writing things out always helped me study for things. Although I would also be pissed if my friends did that.

By MistyKittyx | 22

#6395970 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:29

Ditch.

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6396003 - Saturday 29 August 2015 2:18

@9 What would that solve?

Reply

First_JOman | 22

#6396178 - Saturday 29 August 2015 7:03

21:
I think 9 is suggesting that OP should play Ding-Dong-Ditch with these "friends" until it drives them mad.

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6395974 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:34

"Friends"

By worldclassrager | 39

#6395978 - Saturday 29 August 2015 1:39

Extra credit assignment? Or maybe you can turn it into another class for a writing assignment