Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said...

By iamfab - 6/6/2015 05:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said he was busy and had to do homework. Since he never studies, I got suspicious and went to check up on him. I found him playing dress-up with his cat. He's 17. FML

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Animals

Messed up

Boom, headshot

My body, my choice

By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

I don't know why

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

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By lostforwords - 6/8/2011 19:10 - Ireland

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

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By scotto - 23/2/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

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By Loved - 25/5/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

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By Carla J. - 19/12/2008 05:41 - France

Today, I got ready to stay over at my boyfriend's house. I brought food, new lingerie, and I got a bikini wax. I did stay overnight, but I was holding a bucket for him because he had gastroenteritis. FML

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By Noname - 13/1/2009 10:06 - United States

Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

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By jlol - 5/3/2015 14:32 - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

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By DDRFreak - 19/3/2015 21:49 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 05:19 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, at the age of 29, I now have a relationship on par with a teenager's. Several weeks ago, my fiancé and I lost our home, and are now back living with our respective families. We now have no privacy. I actually just got dropped off at home, before 10, after having sex in a hay field. FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - 2/6/2016 02:11 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By Joe - 19/10/2009 04:32 - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By ugly - 25/7/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 11:29 - Turkey

Today, I was in my hotel room. I picked up an expensive wine from the mini fridge, just to see what it is. I heard a mechanical "bling". I was charged for it. Then, I tried to put it back, only to hear another "bling". I was charged twice for expensive wine that I won't even drink. FML

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By chew toy - 25/5/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

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By nipped - 16/9/2009 13:24 - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By gabormelchior - 23/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML

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By keenan - 19/9/2010 23:55 - United States

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

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By Scarred4Life - 11/10/2015 03:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

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By Tweenmom - 13/4/2017 16:00

Today, my tween daughter found an exciting new book series to replace her two-year obsession with Harry Potter. Hello, Team Jacob. FML

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By xloverin - 14/11/2015 16:23 - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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By Rachael - 30/11/2012 07:29 - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

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By foreveralone - 13/11/2012 10:23 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

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By Greattitan2 - 29/6/2015 20:34 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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By katiekat - 5/1/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, my ex looked at me for the first time in months. I felt like I could fly. Seconds later my flight ended. I fell down the stairs. FML

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By regrub - 10/1/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 19:01 - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

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By a4rk - 8/7/2012 18:32 - Malaysia - Sibu

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words "You're fired." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 03:00

Poor me

Today, I finally kissed the guy I really love at a party. He took me outside and immediately vomited. FML

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By mislabeled - 27/8/2020 20:05

What did I do?

Today, two friends of almost ten years told my husband they had concerns about our marriage, and basically said they can no longer be friends with me. My husband and I never fight, and have other people tell us they are jealous of our relationship. The worst part is they still want to be friends with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2015 02:05

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

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By burnt38392 - 24/12/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, as a means of getting over my abusive ex, I decided to write his name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. As I lit the paper up, I noticed the marker ink had bled through it. The paper is gone, but his name is forever engraved on my desk. FML

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By danonno - 2/8/2012 21:08 - Canada - Nelson

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

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By Fmyapp - 2/12/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

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By auscop - 17/9/2009 10:57 - Australia

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

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By Adam Gordon - 30/3/2017 14:00

Today, I received a Snapchat of a horse-drawn carriage version of a hearse. I replied, "That's so extra!" because I thought it was finals week at her school. Turns out, she's at her uncle's funeral. He was an officer in the Air Force and there's going to be a 21-gun salute in his honor. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 05:51 - United States - Orlando

Today, I realized I can't wait until my daughter moves out the house when she is 18. She is eight. FML

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By Neglected - 11/12/2013 19:06 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

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By Shaz - 24/8/2019 06:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

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By SugarMyBalls - 19/12/2012 23:31 - United States - Winder

Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML

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Top comments

By Idiotskillme | 20

#6312720 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

Hey, it's better than catching him cheating

By Justy101 | 23

#6312721 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

Yeah my precious free time on weekends are always dedicated to playing dress ups with my cat. I mean, like, yours aren't?

COMMENTS

By stephenseiber1 | 22

#6312709 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:13

Wait that's not normal. I have been doing it wrong the whole time

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6312930 - Sunday 7 June 2015 4:38

The importance of grammar is something you must be taught

logicnazi | 18

#6313069 - Sunday 7 June 2015 7:35

#44 uses passive voice. Consider revising.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#6312716 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6312971 - Sunday 7 June 2015 5:44

It's tabbulous.

By Idiotskillme | 20

#6312720 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

Hey, it's better than catching him cheating

logicnazi | 18

#6312779 - Sunday 7 June 2015 1:00

He saw her park. Mistress went go hide in another room's closest. Put clothes on cat as distraction. Classic technique.

JayGatsby | 25

#6312943 - Sunday 7 June 2015 4:52

I actually think his secret animal obsession is more of a reason to love him ;)

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6312983 - Sunday 7 June 2015 5:59

As long as he doesn't choose the cat over her, it's all good

Miss_Mandi | 29

#6313053 - Sunday 7 June 2015 7:25

Yeah, unfortunately though he was still playing with p*ssy.

BrutalEater | 15

#6313202 - Sunday 7 June 2015 11:35

But would there be the smell of sweat or any other smell?

jeepers_1 | 21

#6313610 - Sunday 7 June 2015 21:16

This is a grown up site. You can say pussy, fuck, shit, cunt. We all know what it says anyway, no point in using the *

By Justy101 | 23

#6312721 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

Yeah my precious free time on weekends are always dedicated to playing dress ups with my cat. I mean, like, yours aren't?

wtffml1979 | 22

#6315834 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 5:34

This whole thing is disturbing. I was playing with all the pussy I could when I was 17. But unlike OP it was human. Yeah it's nice to love your pets but damn this is freaky

By King_paradox | 22

#6312722 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

That's purrfect

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6312754 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:35

The cat is wearing purrple.

By WCARlover | 34

#6312725 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:17

That must have been catastrophic to your image of him

1dvos_grl3 | 21

#6313101 - Sunday 7 June 2015 8:12

Nah, just a big catastrophe

Vintage_Cola | 29

#6313811 - Monday 8 June 2015 1:38

You both need to work on your punning skills. -_-

By joelp232 | 17

#6312730 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:18

seems like he has alot of creativity

By stingray112 | 24

#6312731 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:18

Yeah like #3 said, I thought as I'm sure everyone else did/will that he would end up cheating on you so at least it's not that. Idk about the cat thing though might want to talk to him about that.

By mustangbravo | 27

#6312734 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:19

He wanted the wrong kind of kitty.

By xluciferx666 | 21

#6312746 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:27

I spend my free time playing GI JOes with my best friebs