Love: Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy...

By Anonymous - 24/06/2011 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy studying for finals, but that he'd take me out another day instead. He later drunk-dialled me from a party demanding a lift back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 018

You deserved it 4 222

Love

Your cooking, dude

I guess that's why they call it an intravitreal injection

Ungrateful

By Greymoya - 24/02/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 554

You deserved it 2 573

By keyless - 14/04/2012 15:20 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, late for work, I called my dad to see if he knew where my keys were. Turns out he'd taken them on holiday with him because they have a bottle opener on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 325

You deserved it 2 182

By Uhohwemadeamistake - 29/09/2017 16:00

Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when foot prints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 579

You deserved it 198

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 02:00

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 014

You deserved it 159

By heymacie - 19/02/2015 05:45 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 946

You deserved it 38 125

By JadedBaker - 08/07/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 991

You deserved it 1 981

By Meg - 13/06/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I found out the identity of the pervert who's been staring at me through my bedroom window in the late hours of the night. My parents and I decided to set out a trap for 'him' instead of reporting to our local cop. Turns out, we caught my 37 year-old neighbor in the act. He's the cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 263

You deserved it 2 805

By effyou - 10/02/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 298

You deserved it 4 207

By Anyonehiring - 28/06/2016 01:05 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 834

You deserved it 695

By fuckmyparents - 25/01/2019 00:00

Today, the school I applied to work for told me they were not going to schedule an interview. Why? Because they think my papers and name are fake. My name is Seymour Skinner. I’m not joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 722

You deserved it 149

Oh, hello!

By unlucky - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I saw an old man on his porch. Being friendly, I waved at him as I ran by. Apparently, his idea of greeting someone is pelting them with stones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 952

You deserved it 2 814

By swirkishly - 24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 917

You deserved it 9 991

By poorman - 18/11/2013 22:14 - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 904

You deserved it 10 303

By Anonymous - 19/07/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 157

You deserved it 4 968

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 795

You deserved it 28 128

By Username - 04/02/2011 08:11

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 912

You deserved it 81 284

By bandcamp926 - 05/01/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, after the two week winter break, I went back to school to find that the bookbag that I'd left in my car was covered in some creepy, pink gooey stuff. Under the freezing conditions, my lotion had exploded all over my notes and bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 317

You deserved it 22 629

By Fattypatty - 09/07/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 272

You deserved it 58 189

By Anonymous - 17/08/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 248

You deserved it 3 832

By pottypattypeepants - 31/12/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 556

You deserved it 19 579

Horsing around

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 20:02

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 603

You deserved it 160

Business is business

By Anonymous - 08/04/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 26/01/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 002

You deserved it 4 009

By pigtails - 16/01/2013 12:21 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 363

You deserved it 3 219

By Anonymous - 18/08/2018 03:30

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 966

You deserved it 639

By Oh No... - 05/07/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 279

You deserved it 210

By DSM - 14/03/2009 11:05 - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 778

You deserved it 117 275

By Anonyme - 06/09/2013 11:56 - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 484

You deserved it 4 974

By phuckbukket7 - 27/04/2014 22:08 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 616

You deserved it 8 690

By Anonymous - 01/02/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 452

You deserved it 4 817

By Earths_Venus - 25/12/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 223

You deserved it 3 472

Narcissism

By during - 19/05/2010 12:12 - United States

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 318

You deserved it 7 304

By Anonymous - 08/10/2013 07:09 - China - Shanghai

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 342

You deserved it 3 486

Get away from me

By Anonymous - 19/10/2021 11:00 - United States

Today, my mother snapped and took her frustrations out on me. Whenever she has a problem with other family members, it falls on me because she can't show them her true face to them. And she wonders why I hide away all the time… FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 74

By Anonymous - 06/11/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 954

You deserved it 1 430

By machismo - 13/01/2012 18:16 - United States

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings, so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake of her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 306

You deserved it 44 961

By rosabelle91 - 17/06/2012 14:58 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 364

You deserved it 14 760

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 603

You deserved it 39 763

Minefield

By Anonymous - 14/08/2020 20:03

Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat's poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 393

You deserved it 360

Justify My Love

By carrie - 09/05/2021 14:00

Today, my husband thinks I don’t love him. Why? Because I won’t poop with him in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 103

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Top comments

FMLandurstoo 9

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:04

Give him a ride to a gay bar far out of town and leave him there.

Dotell95 3

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:06

Tell him you can't because your busy studying

lizzie96 2

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:00

dump his ass bro

Juliaa15 6

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:14

Dump him? I'd hold onto him. seems like he has his priorities straight. knows what he wants. stable.

CoconutMuffin 5

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:14

Yeah, seriously! He needs to get his **** straight.

bigmanj28 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:35

Not his fault she failed to show up at her birthday party

Garyy_fml 11

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:35

why wouldn't his dick be straight?

imaberry95 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 6:40

he obviously was studying how many drinks it takes to not remember what he was sstudying

flockz 19

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Saturday 25 June 2011 6:41

WAIT SO DICKS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE STRAIGHT?!?!? WHY HAS NO ONE EVER SAID ANYTHING?!?

iEatGuppies 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 7:20

you should pick him up, drop him off 10 miles away from home and write on his arm "it's over bitch" so when he wakes up with a hangover he'll be screwed!

iEatGuppies 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 7:27

^^win. I'm #69 -FBG$-

tybtab 5

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Saturday 25 June 2011 7:30

maybe he has a degree in partying

Metal_Chick 15

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Saturday 25 June 2011 8:28

Dicks are straight?? :-O... oh my my ex needs to get his checked..and op if I were you I'd make him pay first; go party, get wasted, have the time of your life, and then call him to let him know your catching a ride with Chad [or some other guy's name] and that you no longer need his ass or dick, whatever.

CoconutMuffin 5

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Saturday 25 June 2011 8:57

How did you get dicks from what I said? It's supposed to be shit. :/

TruexSniper 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 11:25

I was thinking the same thing.

alexg823 0

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Sunday 26 June 2011 4:28

86 - It's easier to just not censor yourself.

a_nutritionist 10

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Sunday 26 June 2011 5:47

i wonder if his name is rick...drunk dialling can cause all sorts of problems.

daysgoby902 6

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Sunday 26 June 2011 6:26

I totally agree. stable

That1GuyUNo 0

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Sunday 26 June 2011 8:29

you deserve it for dating him

newburton13 26

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Thursday 1 March 2012 1:33

Yeah, in a desert somewhere.

immataco 9

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Thursday 16 August 2012 10:34

Girls don't always know what retards they fall for.

xPsYcHO_KILLa_x 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:03

wow we are surrounded by liars and cheats

demonspeed 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:53

oh you have no idea the horrors that await you in adulthood...enjoy what you got right now.

whitesox365 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 8:00

the world is bad!... blahblahblah

grafixxx687 0

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Sunday 26 June 2011 8:40

its dumping time!!!

pandaran 0

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Sunday 26 June 2011 11:39

only dumbasses would lie and cheat.

sexyshit44 0

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Monday 1 August 2011 16:44

Maybe it was the bar exam.

FMLandurstoo 9

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:04

Give him a ride to a gay bar far out of town and leave him there.

swittig 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:48

giggity

2cacrawf 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 6:25

#3 .. perfect comment with that picture :) win

woahheylex 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 6:40

He'd like it... the OPs name is Devon.

nerdfighteria 7

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Saturday 25 June 2011 6:43

Devon's a gender-neutral name.

Lauren10102 3

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Saturday 25 June 2011 7:29

leave him there naked!

BaconDave 12

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Saturday 25 June 2011 11:01

How exactly would he leave him there naked? Good thought.

obamathellama 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 4:39

Drive him and drop him off in front of some cops naked. @93 hes drunk getting him naked shouldn't be too hard.

CAPTmok 7

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:05

Everyone studies in their own ways....... right???

BaconDave 12

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:10

Except mine is ordering some fried chicken, eat the whole bucket, and cry myself to sleep on my couch watching reality shows.

hagenmat000 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:11

Virgins.

cc_the_beast 6

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Saturday 25 June 2011 17:44

We used to hold study groups at the pub. Have a few beers, talk shop, good way of studying actually!

cbaidchris 6

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Sunday 26 June 2011 8:33

He's studying for the bar exam. Coors light is super cold.

McAninch35 9

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:05

Obviously, the bottle of vodka was his reward to himself for studying so hard. Really, you should be proud.

MrAngel96 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:05

happy birthday though!!!

kalvarez2 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 18:39

Nice:)

Destabilized 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:06

Box him in his mouf.

Dotell95 3

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:06

Tell him you can't because your busy studying

MuchDance90s 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 9:19

best answer. close thread.

MzCherry29 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 16:31

Lmao!! Thats wat I would have said!!

saIty 17

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:07

Tell him your unicorn will pick him up, and to wait by Baby Street. Chances are he'll believe it.

BaconDave 12

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:12

Too bad OP didn't get $4 for karate lessons to kick their asses...

GunnarG9 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 7:44

wonder how many people lulled up to him and said *gasp* Omg... here's 4, no wait 8 bucks to help double your karate lessons to double kick their butts.