Work: Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted... - FML

14/08/2015 09:35 - Canada

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 415

You deserved it 9 606

Good kid

Taking stock

Modern student life sucks

05/09/2009 22:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn't see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize my dad's car wasn't in the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 460

You deserved it 3 384

19/07/2016 13:49

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 829

You deserved it 2 485

27/12/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While I was shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 968

You deserved it 4 368

25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 075

You deserved it 2 603

10/05/2016 00:07 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 446

You deserved it 1 830

21/11/2009 00:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 241

You deserved it 30 156

11/10/2015 03:37

Today, I realized that my two year old likes to help with the groceries. And by help I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 540

You deserved it 2 653

19/04/2010 20:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 549

You deserved it 9 704

01/06/2010 12:31 - Denmark

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 265

You deserved it 5 782

13/09/2016 15:02 - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 153

You deserved it 1 924

13/11/2008 03:57 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 159

You deserved it 2 309

22/05/2019 16:00

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 666

You deserved it 187

23/02/2016 22:53 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 285

You deserved it 1 501

13/09/2010 20:52 - United States

Today, I was late to a sold out movie in the theater, so I had to shuffle in during the previews in the dark. I sat down in what I thought was the last vacant seat, but I'd really just sat in a small woman's lap. She was not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 338

You deserved it 12 958

12/11/2010 00:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 508

You deserved it 3 001

22/12/2013 21:56 - United States - South Windsor

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 759

You deserved it 3 737

09/01/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 354

You deserved it 6 291

12/12/2017 14:58

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 260

You deserved it 951

28/06/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 856

You deserved it 8 732

21/10/2015 12:12 - Philippines - Quezon City

Spicy

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 800

You deserved it 3 721

15/04/2017 22:00

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 553

You deserved it 453

01/11/2009 04:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 316

You deserved it 2 580

01/03/2014 17:23 - Australia - Blackburn

Today, my friends convinced me to go out clubbing with them for the first time. "You'll get some action", they said. The only action I got was some drunk bloke staggering into me and spraying me with vomit just minutes after arriving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 139

You deserved it 4 110

23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 262

You deserved it 1 536

27/08/2010 09:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 542

You deserved it 4 967

09/09/2012 06:15 - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 278

You deserved it 25 957

28/10/2013 20:18 - United States - Marblehead

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 302

You deserved it 3 467

05/08/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 399

You deserved it 58 657

08/05/2009 11:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 680

You deserved it 13 750

04/04/2019 00:00

Today, my roommate served me with a two-week’s notice to vacate the apartment, the day before I leave for 10 days of working in a completely different city 150 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 168

05/10/2011 10:49 - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 605

You deserved it 4 185

17/11/2016 18:17 - United States

Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 207

You deserved it 1 202

14/11/2013 17:21 - United States - Latrobe

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 876

You deserved it 3 060

07/03/2014 18:51 - United States - Richmond

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, a drunk guy limped in front of my car, unzipped, and started pissing on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 221

You deserved it 3 592

06/09/2013 12:10 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my grandfather died via Facebook, because apparently both my father and my aunt think posting a status about it immediately rather than calling family is the thing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 032

You deserved it 2 824

05/08/2009 20:30 - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 642

You deserved it 5 718

28/08/2014 19:58 - Puerto Rico - Gurabo

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 294

You deserved it 3 601

Respect

By it’s still cheating! - 05/09/2021 11:01 - United States - Hesperia

Spicy

Today, my wife, who’s been a stay at home mom since our kids were born, hasn’t really been out looking for a day job since they’re old enough to be in school full time now. She has however been day-drinking and hooking up with the neighbor's wife. She insists she’s not gay, just experimenting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 339

You deserved it 124

01/06/2013 05:09 - United States - Indianapolis

Spicy

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 010

You deserved it 20 763

31/01/2017 07:00 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 854

You deserved it 3 503

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Top comments

randomcritic 14

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:31

Did you immediately correct yourself?

CaptainSmith28 19

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:29

Ah, I love a good ole Freudian slip.

Comments

FusionPlacebo 26

Friday 14 August 2015 17:23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

TrippingOnAcid 29

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Friday 14 August 2015 18:30

What, you've never been tongue tied?

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Friday 14 August 2015 20:25

really, #1 is right. it's one thing to stumble on words, but tats to tits? this could have been easily avoided by saying tattoos, because she wouldn't have noticed titoos from tattoos. well, OP, there's your English lesson for today. you deserve it.

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Friday 14 August 2015 20:50

Freudian slip.

ChristianH39 30

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Friday 14 August 2015 21:14

37 Hindsight is 20/20, I hope you never make mistakes and live a flawless existence.

MrSassypants 32

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Friday 14 August 2015 21:28

#37 Even if OP said tattoos he could've still messed up. "I like your hair. And your tits too."

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Friday 14 August 2015 22:26

was gonna say the same. Its called a Freudian slip. Its when you say what you were thinking instead if what you meant to say.

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Friday 14 August 2015 22:38

Relatively easily.

Angelkisses130 26

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Saturday 15 August 2015 5:35

Hey, don't judge. I once asked my friend's mom, "why did you buy so many penis?" I meant to say peanuts...

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Saturday 15 August 2015 7:32

65, That made me laugh out loud! Never change, lady. Never change.

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Saturday 15 August 2015 21:22

#1 pickup line had HR not got involved

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:23

This can go two ways. Either you get lucky and get laid, or you get fired. Best of luck!

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:40

judging by the fact that he has an HR meeting, i dont think he's getting lucky.

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:43

Shoot, didn't realize it said HR there. Oops

RedPillSucks 31

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Saturday 15 August 2015 5:43

he'll be lucky if he doesn't get fired

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Sunday 16 August 2015 9:42

That's why you never fuck with anyone where you work..

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:24

Could you tell us why you did it? I liked her tats. That should go over well

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:25

Tits and tats are real tongue twisters OP. May be you should try using tattoos instead of tats.... My bad then you could have said titties ...

jackthekeeper 24

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Friday 14 August 2015 19:03

nice tittoos

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Saturday 15 August 2015 15:33

In OPs' mind: Don't say boobs. Don't say boobs. Don't say boobs. Out of OPs' mouth: "Boobs." In OPs' head: Dammit!

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:26

Must have been a really beautiful girl

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Friday 14 August 2015 21:47

Hot security guard

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Saturday 15 August 2015 5:20

I understand reading is hard.

19990231 29

Friday 14 August 2015 17:28

Simple Freudian slips are the reason women think that men are sex driven pigs.

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:42

No we dont.

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:28

Ask her out on a date that involves tots as the main course while you're at it.

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Saturday 15 August 2015 3:00

A girl with nice tits and tats tasting tater tots. Terrific.

CaptainSmith28 19

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:29

Ah, I love a good ole Freudian slip.

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Friday 14 August 2015 21:02

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One two hold the ladder and the other to hold the penis--er--I mean lightbulb.

RedPillSucks 31

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Saturday 15 August 2015 5:47

don't be silly. Freudians can't fit in a lightbulb

randomcritic 14

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:31

Did you immediately correct yourself?

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Friday 14 August 2015 17:33

Just be honest.

RedPillSucks 31

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Saturday 15 August 2015 5:49

his first comment probably was honest

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 294

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 69