Alcohol, Drunk and Health: Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid... - FML

By photomark - 13/12/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 488

You deserved it 36 937

Alcohol Drunk Health

Sorry…

What have you got yourself into?

Deception

By Stuck - 08/09/2011 10:00 - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 324

You deserved it 67 662

By Fat Bastard - 20/05/2019 04:02

Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 708

You deserved it 282

By KennyDidIt - 09/12/2012 13:18 - United States - Grand Bay

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 571

You deserved it 2 826

By Anonymous - 28/12/2015 15:03 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 717

You deserved it 1 574

By stutterboy - 11/06/2013 20:36 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I was giving a presentation to my college class. I've had a natural stutter my whole life, so I stuttered through the whole thing. My professor tried to hold in her laughter for 15 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 205

You deserved it 2 743

By fmlsheffgirl - 25/07/2016 11:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 581

You deserved it 1 726

By Gas-pingForAir - 19/09/2016 08:59 - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 705

You deserved it 1 645

Unreasonable demands

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 06:01

Today, my girlfriend was mad I have so many female contacts in my phone and demanded I delete some of them. Two thirds of them are blood relatives, the rest are coworkers and one is a friend I’ve known since primary school, who is dying of a brain tumour. Which exactly should I delete? FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 95

By donkeyd - 05/02/2010 16:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 685

You deserved it 2 445

By severely late.... again! - 26/10/2017 22:56

Today, as I got on the bus to commute to work, its front right tire exploded. Everyone, including the driver, glared at me while getting off. The next bus arrives in 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 901

You deserved it 250

Mixed messages

By mook - 15/07/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesn't know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 141

You deserved it 5 662

By Anonymous - 11/09/2012 04:47 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 718

You deserved it 2 698

By Inconnu - 18/06/2011 05:13 - France

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 473

You deserved it 3 843

By Jayanka - 03/05/2018 05:00

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 073

You deserved it 582

By laxie - 27/10/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 130

You deserved it 3 889

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 10:30 - United States - Wichita

Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Some guy grabbed her ass, and I tried to fight him. I ended up with a concussion and a messed up jaw. Her? Oh, she beat the shit out of him while I was unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 844

You deserved it 15 111

By hiii. - 16/03/2010 02:27 - United States

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 311

You deserved it 40 753

By Ro - 05/10/2010 02:39 - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 211

You deserved it 2 475

Lazy comeback

By Anonymous - 17/07/2020 02:01

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 2 539

By TrulyYours - 07/05/2009 12:39 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 473

You deserved it 5 899

By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 256

You deserved it 1 802

By Allabouttheporn - 22/12/2016 00:05

Today, at dinner, I was talking to my parents about a movie quote. I couldn't remember what movie it was from. Then I remembered. It was a porno. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 932

You deserved it 3 260

By Anonymous - 31/03/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my son's bedroom, I discovered various types of juice my son has been "storing" to make wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 843

You deserved it 4 574

By cactii - 16/02/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 363

You deserved it 14 382

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 20:00

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 417

You deserved it 5 846

By La Guigne - 08/04/2013 21:10 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 589

You deserved it 7 860

By Me myself & I - 19/04/2016 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 757

You deserved it 2 011

By kat - 21/02/2012 09:53 - Reserved

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 666

You deserved it 3 045

By ShouldveStayedAVirgin - 13/01/2016 18:30 - United States - Houston

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 778

You deserved it 6 993

By Mr. Sensitive Nips - 17/03/2011 22:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 446

You deserved it 9 357

Ding dong

By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:04 - United States - El Macero

Spicy

Today, I got an ingrown hair. It wouldn’t be so bad, if it were anywhere other than my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 120

By Anonymous - 06/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 203

You deserved it 12 311

Freaked out

By ADanceWithDavos - 07/07/2014 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 890

You deserved it 4 607

By Nic - 13/09/2016 20:16 - United States - Orlando

Today, for the first time in months, a potential employer was willing to give me a job. On my way out of the interview, I tripped over and broke a 1000 dollar glass table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 003

You deserved it 1 133

By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 17:30

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 742

You deserved it 330

By Anonymous - 02/07/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 763

You deserved it 14 233

Cabin fever

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 71

By fired - 23/11/2010 13:41 - United States

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 203

You deserved it 65 363

By Firepants - 28/08/2010 16:04 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 438

You deserved it 4 087

By thejbarrick50 - 21/05/2012 02:29 - United States - Bergen

Today, I decided to save a few bucks and let my mother cut my hair. I then had to wait in the hospital for attention due to the fact that she cut the tip of my ear off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 070

You deserved it 4 774

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Top comments

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:03

Kepp checking your poop you could be rich by next month

davidisbeast 12

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:07

At least you got the quarter back :D that's a whole TWENTY FIVE cents !

Comments

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:03

Kepp checking your poop you could be rich by next month

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:10

When you find a hundred dollar bill, call me.

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:23

I wouldn't call 7, just call DocBastard so he can blog about it

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:40

I think I just discovered a new kind of stupidity.

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:51

makin it poop is the new make it rain

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:59

I know how someone is paying for that next cup of coffee.

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 17:57

Dude! You gotta change that!

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 18:24

Not so much (;

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 20:36

Good thing u didnt go blind

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 21:00

^ he swallowed a quarter; not a nickle. Therefore, he can't get nickle poisoning.

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 1:25

Sounds like you just do stupid shit in general...

Jiplo 18

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Thursday 15 December 2011 6:05

u can go blind if u eat a nickle? wth!

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:04

Now that's what you call shit for change

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:13

Lame pun Jabawockee makes lame puns.

fallensnow143 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:25

lol

brianfantana32 10

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Wednesday 4 January 2012 6:35

Well I guess that was a shhhhhhhhhi- tough situation that must've been painful and shocking. What did you think I was going to say? But seriously, how did you manage to get it down there.

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Wednesday 25 June 2014 5:17

you really need to CHANGE your attitude...

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:06

How shitty!

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 19:22

How is this shitty? OP is officially a fucking piggy bank! OP, when you go to college take a laxative.. instant tuition..

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 23:55

It's shitty because if a debt collector knows this, all they'll need to do is beat the shit out of him for the money.

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Thursday 15 December 2011 5:52

That's not funny

davidisbeast 12

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:07

At least you got the quarter back :D that's a whole TWENTY FIVE cents !

davidisbeast 12

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:12

And here come the retards that are gonna thumb me down because they are too stupid to recognize sarcasm ....

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 17:08

No shit sherlock

Oh_Hayy_Its_Lex 10

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 22:34

hmm, some people dont know how to take a joke?^

davidisbeast 12

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 0:00

77- I guess not x)

thatsphuckedsoba 0

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 1:33

No shit sherlock

jessiejess020 0

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 5:18

don't spend it all in one place!

False_Stupidity 41

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Thursday 15 December 2011 4:27

And DON'T tell the cashier where it's been ... Or maybe tell them -after- they have taken it. *evil laugh*

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:09

Just be thankful you passed it, rather than getting stuck. not going to lecture you much but eating change is something I think a child would be more likely to do. I hope you're a good party animal then.

skinthesnakes 6

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:10

Hey the guy that took you home was nice enough to give cab fare...just in the wrong place.

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:10

Well use it for a gumball...

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 18:37

I hardly think it's worth it. ._.

thatsphuckedsoba 0

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 1:31

What the fuck

GrammarNazzzzzi 6

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:10

If you eat at least four of those, you can get it in dollars xD

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:14

At least OP didn't shit in Santa's lap - I hope not anyway.

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 17:53

Speaking of Santa and swallowing change... When I was 4 I swallowed a quarter and it became stuck in my throat. Santa performed the heimlech on me and saved my life. ...Not that anyone cares?!?!

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 18:14

You're right! I don't care, sorry.

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Tuesday 13 December 2011 16:14

Lol mobile ATM Bank of shitmerica

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 6:23

Better than having a money tree

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 1 016

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 177