Love: Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric... - FML

By whyyyyyme - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

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Commando

Breaking Badly

Thanks, I'm cured!

By shatfjord - United States - Rochester

Today, I and a coworker got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss' infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

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By tlm84 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, while out shopping, I could hear what sounded like two grown men talking about me, and they were being pretty gross. I turned around to scold them and it turned out being a dad and his 13-year-old son. He said he was, "teaching a son to be a man, and that my ass was grounds for discussion." FML

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By Mels - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

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By inefficiencies - 2/2/2021 05:10

See ya!

Today, I was supposed to have a hospital appointment I've been waiting three months for, but they changed it to a phone call. The call consisted of the consultant asking questions and saying, "Yes, I see that in your notes", before concluding I need to a physical appointment and booking one… for three months' time. FML

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By ksamp - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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By samba_spaz - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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By FYouBoyfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By itsgonnabealongnight... - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roxboro

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

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By justwantingtohelp - United States - Highland

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

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By thankshun13 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

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By unprofessional - United States - Portland

Today, I filled out an online application for a internship. I didn't have all the info I need to complete it, but it wouldn't let me leave anything blank so to move along I filled in crap answers. I pressed "Save". It sent my draft in. I now have to explain that "Jesus" isn't actually my reference. FML

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By hunchback of notre bite - Korea, Republic of

Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to drive my car through a flock of vultures eating road kill. Since a bird hit the mirror and broke it, I now have to pay for a replacement. FML

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By ForeverEmbarrassed - United States

Today, I was at a clothing store. I tried on a dress, but decided it was too much for me. Taking it off, I realize my hair was tangled in the big security button. The employees had to bring me to the front of the store, lay me on the counter, and take the button out in front of a laughing crowd. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Ipswich

Today, I was cycling with my uncle and became increasingly frustrated as we got further and further from our intended destination. It took me a while to figure out that I had somehow lost my uncle and was following a complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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By socksoffire - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

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By Oops - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him, so I got his attention and made my orgasm face when I thought no one was looking. His thirteen year-old cousin saw and now bursts out laughing whenever he sees me. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland

Today, my husband of ten years was playing the Sims. I asked him about the house he built. Apparently, it was his dream house, and he recreated himself as a Sim so he could live in it. Then I asked him where the wife was. There was no wife. It was his happy place. FML

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By

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

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By blondetergent - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

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By I-Love-My-Wife - 14/1/2021 10:56

My booze

Today, it's my wife's birthday. She also sleepwalks, sleep eats and sleep drinks. This morning, her subconscious remembered it was her birthday and wanted to celebrate in style. I found my $200 bottle of Johnny Walker Blue was missing 3". She doesn't remember drinking it. I'm so glad she enjoyed it. FML

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By Mils - Australia - Blackburn

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

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By Bg2466 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML

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By canessadawn - United States - Portland

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

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By dave - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my annoying colleague gasped, wrapped her arms around herself, started sweating and curled up in a ball crying, "No, no, no" in front of several customers. They accused me of 'setting her off', when I blurted out, "Sorry, she gets panic attacks". All I did was say the word 'abortion'. FML

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By kerdersty - Canada

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

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By SleepEat - 25/2/2021 21:30

Hmmm, candy

Today, I found out that I eat candy in my sleep. For two months I've been dieting because of my weight and high risk of diabetes. I now know why nothing has changed. FML

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By WTFFAIL - Canada - Montreal

Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML

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By emm - United States

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

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By Jaded618 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

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By GreaseNose

Shorty-Greasy Spot-Spot

Today, while studying with the girl I like, I rested my face on my book, pretending to be frustrated. When I lifted my head, I realized I'd left a greasy spot on the page from my nose. She noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 08:08

Double standards

Today, the friend who I'm crushing on but doesn't like me like that back said she wants us to keep our distance AND got angry because I told her I joined a dating app. Now she thinks I lied about my feelings. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 05:05

Almost there

Today, I paid 100$ for a trash service to pick up my broken couch. Minutes later, I got an email from someone finally replying to my ad for a free couch. FML

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Top comments

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6370730 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:44

Another impossible standard for men

By jjmack34 | 15

#6370740 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:49

Men just don't have a chance these days.

COMMENTS

By hasooon | 24

#6370728 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:44

What???

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6370730 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:44

Another impossible standard for men

Reply

cinamonkoko | 15

#6372386 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 22:26

as long as he has a good heart I'm sure he can bypass this impossible standard haha

By coolerjf | 12

#6370732 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:45

Perhaps a background check before hand

Reply

rileyrae0000 | 23

#6370800 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 9:09

Yeah, she knows how to pick 'em

By mikeman1744 | 18

#6370738 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:48

Well you'll never find someone with your ridiculously high standards

By cebsvt | 14

#6370739 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:48

What happened???

By jjmack34 | 15

#6370740 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:49

Men just don't have a chance these days.

By jadalaheart | 23

#6370741 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By appletreee | 29

#6370744 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:51

Well you have to set the bar somewhere.

By HRTreatman | 17

#6370747 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:53

There is a very fine line between sane and insane. I use this line as a jumprope.

By tzemmy | 25

#6370750 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:54

But that's how all the best men are, hun!

Reply

SkylineFTW97 | 25

#6375808 - Sunday 9 August 2015 5:53

That's not necessarily true. Many of us are escapees from said hospital.