Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric...

By whyyyyyme - 4/8/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

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Love

Great boyfriend

Goodbye Bill

Ghosted

By Imthatfirstguy1 - 10/4/2018 15:00

Today, I owe about $18,000 for a useless degree. Why? I graduated in 2016 from the ITT Technical Institute, a few months before the school shut down for good. The kicker? They misspelled my name on the diploma. FML

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By storyofmylife - 23/8/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I spilled my heart out to a guy by showing him one of my poetry journals. He read through it and said, "Wow, I feel sorry for the guy you wrote about." The poems were all about how I loved him. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

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By angry - 28/6/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I went to go get a new ID because my wallet was stolen, which had my social security card in it as well. I found out that to get your ID you have to have your social security card, and to get your social security card, you need your ID. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 01:46 - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 17:54 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML

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By BigLove - 5/2/2014 02:25 - United States - Stoneham

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

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By stalked - 8/1/2014 20:27 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

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By IcyWindows - 1/4/2014 02:03 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my neighbor yelled at me because, according to him, the sound of me scraping the ice off my windshield wakes him up every morning. This is the same neighbor who ran over my mailbox last week because there was too much snow on his windows to see properly. FML

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By .... - 17/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2011 14:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 18:22 - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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By prin - 5/9/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, someone asked my fiancée and I how we met. She said, "Well, it was just supposed to be a one night stand!" and laughed, right as I was about to take her hand and say, "It was love at first sight!" FML

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By really - 13/11/2014 18:17 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML

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By Humpday - 29/5/2016 21:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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By emmingle - 13/5/2013 23:05 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 17:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I awakened from my peaceful slumber in a great mood. I walked into my closet, ready to pick out an outfit for the day, to find my two year old daughter, kneeling on the floor with a pair of scissors in her hand, cutting up my wedding dress - my wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 14:33 - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

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By Itstinksinhere - 19/4/2018 15:00

Today, my husband thought it was the best idea ever to clean the cat's litter box with the brand new vacuum cleaner instead of tipping it into a bin bag. My house now fills with the smell of warm cat piss every time I hoover. FML

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By homealone - 3/5/2012 04:39 - Canada

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

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By swervelol - 20/8/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

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By missalexa - 3/8/2010 18:13 - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

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By SKuser - 19/5/2009 08:09 - China

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 00:01

Experimentation is good

Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML

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By Kirta - 9/11/2009 15:18 - Canada

Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML

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By kissandcontrol01 - 10/10/2015 04:22 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

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By clash - 28/11/2008 06:30 - France

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . I'd been secretly seeing him all year. FML

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By Etyl - 18/11/2011 10:49 - Indonesia

Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML

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By Cheerieful - 7/5/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

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By sorrydad - 13/12/2009 18:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had our parents over to our new apartment for the first time. We spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was "parent-appropriate." Apparently we didn't notice the S and M catalog in the pile on our coffee table... but his mom sure did. FML

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By gemma - 11/9/2012 16:56 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

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By deadandwasted - 20/2/2010 08:20 - United States

Today, I halted a cab. It was 12 degrees and snowing outside. When I went to get in, a man shoved me away and I slipped on ice into dirty snow slush, and he stole my cab. As it drove off, the man flipped me off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 16:09 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out that you can give your grandpa a Vietnam flashback when you set off a leftover firecracker from New Years. I also found out that a 76 year old hits pretty fucking hard when freaking out. FML

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By Alup132 - 11/9/2018 22:00

Today, while delivering pizza, a customer got mad at me and accused me of not having a GPS, then cussed me out and hung up. The address he gave me was a parking lot with 6 cars, none of which were his. FML

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By Sam - 9/2/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally responded "Yeth ma'am". She ended the tour right there. FML

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By AyoitsSteveo - 24/5/2009 09:49 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years, who is a fabulous guitarist and singer, told me he wrote me a song. I was so excited. Turns out it was a break up song. FML

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Top comments

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6370730 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:44

Another impossible standard for men

By jjmack34 | 15

#6370740 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:49

Men just don't have a chance these days.

COMMENTS

By hasooon | 24

#6370728 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:44

What???

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6370730 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:44

Another impossible standard for men

cinamonkoko | 15

#6372386 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 22:26

as long as he has a good heart I'm sure he can bypass this impossible standard haha

By coolerjf | 12

#6370732 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:45

Perhaps a background check before hand

rileyrae0000 | 23

#6370800 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 9:09

Yeah, she knows how to pick 'em

By mikeman1744 | 18

#6370738 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:48

Well you'll never find someone with your ridiculously high standards

By cebsvt | 14

#6370739 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:48

What happened???

By jjmack34 | 15

#6370740 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:49

Men just don't have a chance these days.

By jadalaheart | 23

#6370741 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By appletreee | 29

#6370744 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:51

Well you have to set the bar somewhere.

By HRTreatman | 17

#6370747 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:53

There is a very fine line between sane and insane. I use this line as a jumprope.

By tzemmy | 25

#6370750 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 7:54

But that's how all the best men are, hun!

SkylineFTW97 | 25

#6375808 - Sunday 9 August 2015 5:53

That's not necessarily true. Many of us are escapees from said hospital.