Today, after working for my company for 10 years, my co-workers...

By Grrrrr - 1/3/2009 00:50 - United States

Today, after working for my company for 10 years, my co-workers threw me a farewell party. The boss gave quite an eloquent speech, ending in "we're really gonna miss you Mark." My name is Evan. FML

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Work

Messed up

Ambien conversations are the worst

The cheek of some people

By Tyto - 3/3/2017 14:00 - United States - Lewes

Today, I learned that the only reason my girlfriend stayed with me is because I drove us to school every morning. FML

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By karmaiguess - 18/10/2018 03:00

Today, I saw the guy I bullied during elementary school and tried to apologize to him. Instead, he took out a knife and stabbed me. I'm currently in the ER. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 10:46 - Sweden

Today, while taking a shower, I thought that the bathroom was extra steamy because of all the hot water. It wasn't until two-three minutes later when I put some shampoo in my hair that I realized I had forgotten to take my glasses off. FML

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By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

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By ilivealoneandwhatthefuck - 23/6/2013 17:02 - Guam - Yigo

Today, it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnomes in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras, which I thought had deterred the idiot, until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnomes on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. FML

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By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Time just flies by

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

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By I hear everything... - 22/4/2017 18:00

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

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By nonymous human subject - 14/11/2015 20:02 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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By KaYLa_LoUiSe - 8/8/2020 08:03

Narcissistic parents FTW

Today, I told my mom I wasn't doing very good mentally and I was looking for some support. She decided to remind me of all of the things I still haven't paid her back for. I'm now an unpaid loan, not her daughter. FML

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By rejected - 6/10/2019 04:00 - United States

Smoke signals

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

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By midwesternpetclerk - 9/11/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

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By PillPopperApparently - 20/12/2018 12:00

Today, after constantly shaming me for my ADHD and anti-anxiety pills, my family finally convinced me to drop $250 on their trusted psychiatrist friend because they thought he’d talk me out of taking them. He recommended higher doses of everything. FML

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By chickenflavouredlaptop - 9/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year old son comes in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

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By BondingTime - 17/3/2014 09:51 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

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By Dr Pepper - 22/5/2019 18:05

I'm not sad. Or am I?

Today, to protect me from the 'bad people' out there, my mom bought some pepper spray. While trying to test it, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes. Now, every person I meet asks me what I've been crying about. FML

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By Crushed - 9/12/2018 12:30

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2013 22:24 - United States

Today, my coach held a BBQ for the whole team. He told us to eat up, because we wouldn't be working out today. He lied. After eating the equivalent of a Thanksgiving dinner, we had to do team relays. FML

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By emeraldapostle - 25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

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By Whoops - 28/1/2010 20:21 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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By dontpeeonmenxtime - 29/12/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to slight memory of my boyfriend leaving for work an hour earlier than originally planned due to "excessive sweat" in my bed. When I removed my sheets and took in a deep whiff, my olfactory receptors instantly knew that his so called "sweat" was actually his urine. FML

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By itswhateverr - 3/5/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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By this is impossible - 5/1/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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By Dry - 18/3/2017 16:00

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

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By Me - 11/11/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

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By loser - 17/2/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 11:28 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By arrow - 30/7/2018 19:00

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2009 10:37 - Australia

Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML

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By Rabzouz - 20/12/2008 08:16 - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2015 13:58 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

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By douchegamer - 3/3/2013 03:38 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

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By heartless - 11/3/2010 21:07 - United States

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 12:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - 20/1/2015 22:52 - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 19:26 - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

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By xswitch74 - 16/3/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By TheSkaAssassin | 0

#9810 - Sunday 1 March 2009 4:33

wow, at least he took the time to pretend to care

By wildie | 0

#9847 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:17

I guess he was rereading an old, used one.........

COMMENTS

By effit | 0

#9796 - Sunday 1 March 2009 4:24

Damn... that's a bitch. Maybe he was trying to be a douche.

m0tl3ycru3qwr | 0

#1839627 - Monday 13 December 2010 19:46

Evan, who's Evan?

claireful | 4

#2428249 - Friday 29 April 2011 8:01

hahaha! you're like Toby from the office! everyone hates you! fyl!

TurkeySlab | 9

#5371611 - Sunday 17 February 2013 16:10

Even who?

By TheSkaAssassin | 0

#9810 - Sunday 1 March 2009 4:33

wow, at least he took the time to pretend to care

matt5217 | 4

#1076259 - Saturday 10 July 2010 1:50

you should probaly go on a diet, not to be rude or anything, just trying to help

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1103621 - Sunday 18 July 2010 0:02

I agree with 45

2, if you post a FML, I'm gonna check YDI

By Bibico_fml | 0

#9823 - Sunday 1 March 2009 4:48

They're probably already referring to you as "that guy that was here for a while". Maybe at your next job you should wear a name tag for, say, the first 20 years so the boss will get to know you.

By jSOPURE | 3

#9846 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:16

Mark kind of sounds like Evan... :)

By wildie | 0

#9847 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:17

I guess he was rereading an old, used one.........

By kagome_eb | 0

#9850 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:20

dont take it to bad, you dont work for dose assholes anymore

By greenman_fml | 0

#9866 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:32

Mark's a better name than Evan anyway. Just accept it and move on

By Cloudy_fml | 0

#9874 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:40

#12, I'm sure that was their intent. ^_~

By Megan_fml | 0

#9877 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:43

hahaha i love #6 and #7's comments.

Cheer up Mark.

By Seegtease | 0

#9889 - Sunday 1 March 2009 5:54

Nope, it's really a quote out of context. What he said was, "We're really gonna miss you, mark my words."