Health: Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't... - FML

By halfasleep - 27/03/2012 14:00 - United States - New Haven

Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 634

You deserved it 14 626

Mother of the year

Empathy lives

Compromises

By boyfriendisatoss - 26/12/2009 07:22 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 388

You deserved it 5 069

Creativity stifled

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 216

You deserved it 22 392

By Ser17 - 10/08/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 879

You deserved it 5 884

By allisonpaige21 - 18/06/2015 22:31 - United States - Quitman

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 394

You deserved it 5 118

By screwed - 22/12/2010 17:56 - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 222

You deserved it 4 254

By tony1401 - 02/02/2010 16:00 - United States

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 822

You deserved it 2 743

By Anonymous - 26/07/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 251

By pooperscooper - 20/02/2017 00:00 - Australia - Hunters Hill

Spicy

Today, I had to wipe someone else's shit off the toilet seat for the third day in a row. We had a new staff member join our team three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 192

You deserved it 451

By haleyfml - 27/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 586

You deserved it 5 528

By bruh_im18 - 17/09/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 958

You deserved it 2 550

By NotTodaySatan - 07/07/2019 16:00 - United States - Tempe

Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 304

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 15/03/2021 20:30 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I came home upset about the sexism in my work place. I just wanted to be alone, but my husband insisted we talk about it. I noticed he kept looking over and one of his hands was moving. He was playing video games the entire time I was spilling my guts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 25/06/2016 09:02 - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 834

You deserved it 925

By Anonymous - 02/11/2014 06:30 - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 130

You deserved it 3 311

By cmzraxsn - 11/12/2010 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 282

You deserved it 5 309

Take care

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 08:02

Spicy

Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 92

By Kylee Day - 27/08/2019 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 426

You deserved it 367

By Anonymous - 31/01/2010 10:16 - United States

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 737

You deserved it 13 771

By nicoreal89 - 25/11/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 061

You deserved it 6 667

By BadNurse - 11/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Evansville

Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 303

You deserved it 527

By wobbles - 04/12/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 899

You deserved it 34 264

By lectro - 24/11/2008 06:08 - France

Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 419

You deserved it 3 740

By artist - 29/03/2013 11:12 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 809

You deserved it 4 506

This job sucks

By Rafael - 14/01/2022 20:01

Today, the thirteenth new hire quit at the call center I work at, while still in training. We just started last week with a wave of 20 new hires. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 193

By motherlylove - 08/07/2018 15:00

Today, my mother-in-law screamed at the top of her lungs in front of our friends and family that I was stealing her baby away from her. I'd only suggested we go home because he had a migraine. Her baby is 24 years old and has been married to me for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 399

You deserved it 269

By underemployed - 08/12/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 628

You deserved it 4 899

By carmelita - 16/07/2009 15:09 - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 745

You deserved it 59 591

By just great... - 22/02/2011 08:38

Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 127

You deserved it 12 570

By Anonymous - 28/09/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 659

You deserved it 3 408

By Lexiebear27 - 19/09/2011 15:56 - United States

Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 945

You deserved it 6 793

Planned Parenthood

By Anonymous - 06/09/2019 22:01 - United States

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life, I'm a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 705

You deserved it 121

By bloodymatzaball - 02/08/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 457

You deserved it 63 382

By Brock - 02/02/2013 21:20 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 430

You deserved it 38 910

On a leash

By thanks sis - 29/08/2020 10:52 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my best friend and I were supposed to meet up at an outdoor beer garden. We’ve both had a hard time with quarantine, so it was a great escape. Instead, she kept me waiting for nearly two hours before I finally left. Her excuse? Her boyfriend, who she sees every day, really wanted to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 155

By daycare worker - 23/12/2016 18:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 719

You deserved it 1 698

By Janie - 10/01/2012 05:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 475

You deserved it 4 003

By Anonymous - 09/02/2011 05:19 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 084

You deserved it 6 416

By linked - 19/04/2019 20:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 350

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 20/08/2013 17:18 - United States

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 127

You deserved it 2 964

By straightasaneedle - 02/02/2011 17:11 - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 513

You deserved it 4 848

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Top comments

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 18:51

Like a boss or a homeless man.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 20:23

My moth died, please like my comment; it's what he would've wanted :(

Comments

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 18:51

I can't believe you threw it up! Weak stomach

flamegrilled123 3

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:03

Try keeping mouthwash in your moth for more than 2 minutes and tell me that again

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:42

Won't that kill my moth if i give it mouthwash?

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 20:06

Nope, the moth will first burn alive and then die.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 20:23

My moth died, please like my comment; it's what he would've wanted :(

UrbanOutfitter 2

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 21:57

You're going to need to use that mouthwash a second time when you're trying to get rid of the horrid smell of puking.

Cad6 24

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 23:59

Throwing up by itself is horrible. The added bonus of a mouthwash would tear my throat apart, and make me cry like a bitch.

Crystal55621 19

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 0:10

53, you could also use toothpaste...just an idea..

DrDilllonReese 12

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 4:20

70- since you took that route... or you could use both, as is commonly recommended by most dentists...

MikeMikeTheAzn 3

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 4:31

If mouthwash goes through your throat, it pretty much dissolves everything in it, so the stomach throw it back up my itself

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 19:08

What did you just say

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 18:51

Like a boss or a homeless man.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:28

Like Betty ford?

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 21:56

The native Americans where I live actually drink mouth wash and hairspray.

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 2:25

The fuck...

Cad6 24

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 4:20

Who the hell is Betty Ford?

TheElderTROLLZ 15

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 6:13

81 - 18 (your number backwards?!) is Betty Ford... I think.

justinrocks101 0

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 18:52

accidentally? umm how'd that happen?

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:12

Accidentally.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:15

Alcoholic :P

indigofire1230 3

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 21:14

I've had times where I've accidentally swallowed toothpaste, or things like that, from it getting too close to my throat and reflexively swallowing it. Maybe that's what happened...?

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 22:57

17, call it what you wanna call I'm a fucking alcoholic!

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 3:09

I can happen accidentally. Haven't you ever accidentally swallowed mouthwash, water in the shower, or when your gargling?

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 18:54

At least your breath will smell nice....? Or at least your throat

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 22:25

You know you're an alcoholic when...

obnum 19

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Saturday 1 December 2012 23:41

When what!? Finish your sentence we will never get to know! D:

BRITTANYHUNGRY 0

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 18:55

Barf of fire

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 18:57

Imagine the feeling of pissing that stuff out…

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:50

Probably a burning sensation but it would smell great!

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 20:04

Pee of fire!

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 1:48

You wouldn't your body would filter it out and it would be perfectly normal

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 6:47

73 you sir are a bigger buzz kill than buzz killington (family guy reference)

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 20:21

Goddamnit 73... Lol @ 90

RoseTintMyWorld 8

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:00

You know you have a drinking problem when...

TheElderTROLLZ 15

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 6:15

... you drink too much?

mapwellminner 4

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Friday 30 March 2012 7:12

Says the person with a bottle of alcohol for their picture.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:04

Why did you swallow it? That's disgusting.

nofearjenshere 12

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 20:14

It was an accident.

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Thursday 29 March 2012 15:02

He swallowed it because it tastes good. Duh.

tennisrapper1 14

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:05

I'd say be more careful next time... Johnny knoxville would demand more!

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:05

Lol ur name probably matches ur situation

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:15

Yea that's the whole deal. When you write a FML you type in what you want to appear as the "author". I think you'll find this true for most FMLs.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 7

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 879

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 1 080