Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it....

By anonymiss - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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Health

Last dates

Family matters

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Username - United States

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the electricity company can just show up unannounced and cut off my power, but cannot find the meter for a whole 10 days to switch it on again. It's currently dark and 7°C in my bedroom. FML

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By whatisthisshit

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By presente13 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By Guy - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML

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By wallets - United States

Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML

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By trees - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By bestiality, not even once - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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By Screw My Parents - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Asheville

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

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By Z - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, at work, I had to explain to a customer that she can't connect her tablet to her home WiFi while she's at work. I went to MIT for this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

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By BMike - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

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By Cantseethroughdoors

Today, everyone was signing a birthday card to surprise a coworker. I was told to go find someone who hadn't signed it so I went to the office next to mine, opened the door, and told them about the card. The intended recipient was sitting behind the door. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Ready for the grill!

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

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By stranded - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML

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By notyourmummy - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

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By overundereducated - 13/3/2020 18:00

The Birmingham School of Business School

Today, I found out that my stick figure drawing passed as homework during my doctoral level seminar. I'm paying over two thousand dollars for this course. FML

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By That guy - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

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By blahblah - United States

No sleep til Brooklyn

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

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By squishy - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

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By HeShe - United States

Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML

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By twoheadedboy - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML

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By spekledworf - United States - Plymouth

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

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By LocallyBrewed - United States

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time, 29 years into my life. They turned out to be two of the most pathetic people I have ever met, and the meeting ended after they asked me to lend them money because I "literally owe them my life." FML

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By keepsmiling - France

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

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By Baustigt - Australia

Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

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By purpletulip - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my customer complained to me that there were no scallops in her dish when it was "clearly stated on the menu." Finally, after she ran out of breath, I had to show her that the menu said scallions. She didn't understand, screamed at me and then walked out on her bill. FML

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By - 5/1/2020 03:00

Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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By KingUrge - United States - Victorville

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

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By Baegel - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 9/4/2020 14:00

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

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By Allen - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

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Top comments

By shawnarawwwrr | 0

#108550 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:14

did you not even look at what you were swallowing?!

thats what she said

By manders_ | 0

#108530 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:11

oh god that sucks..

COMMENTS

By manders_ | 0

#108530 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:11

oh god that sucks..

Daft_Punk709 | 0

#986497 - Thursday 29 April 2010 8:19

Myabe you dropped two pills and didn't see the other one on the ground.

FIRST!!!!! (to comment on the first comment)

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1014244 - Monday 31 May 2010 22:24

ewww think about it what did she swallow

ezioaudatore | 0

#1175050 - Monday 2 August 2010 7:17

fail

harmoo_fml | 0

#1425516 - Sunday 19 September 2010 6:06

I hope you don't own a rabbit, op

foodlord | 5

#3503215 - Friday 28 October 2011 11:03

By any chance do u hav mysterious animals wandering round ur house?

tournamentdecide | 33

#6026197 - Saturday 2 August 2014 21:09

No, this swallows.

ThatsIncentive | 8

#6707385 - Sunday 30 October 2016 3:40

You mean it swallows.

By Scorpi3 | 0

#108548 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:15

ewwww

Rachel_Vikram | 0

#2102228 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:24

Maybe you should check your droppings...

By BaldOuting | 0

#108549 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:14

hopefully it was a tictac!

By shawnarawwwrr | 0

#108550 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:14

did you not even look at what you were swallowing?!

thats what she said

hubbabubbba | 0

#1027741 - Friday 11 June 2010 12:41

lol

MwahFMLS | 6

#3092356 - Friday 12 August 2011 10:51

ILoveThis.

By MsSippi | 0

#108555 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:16

It couldn't have been THAT nasty if you mistook it for a pill. Still that is not good.

By Tehalon | 0

#108559 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:16

Hope it was xtc :D

elcartel | 0

#982125 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 3:36

you are so right

By darkmis1 | 17

#108564 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:17

Uhh....call a doctor

By ATchick_08 | 0

#108576 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:21

A rat turd??? lmao

By plaidrabbit | 0

#108580 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:20

I hope you don't have a pet rabbit or something...could be a turd.

By Meow34 | 0

#108581 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:21

YDI. Don't you look at something before you actually put it in your mouth?

Pooopsack | 9

#2441027 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:09

She was half asleep. I would have done the same thing.