Health: Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it....

By anonymiss - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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Health

Parent-sanctioned violence

Childlike

By AlphaKappa

Today, my work is doing a legal investigation about whether they can avoid paying me maternity benefit. According to my sleazy boss, "You notified us too late." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d

Today, my father told me I was becoming violent because of the video games I play. I was playing Minecraft. FML

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By SantaClaus - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 8-year-old came home from school crying. Apparently her teacher told the whole class to write about how they felt when they learned that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. FML

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By Anonymous - France - M?rignac

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

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By huh? - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 14:00

I've been… held up

Today, I was finally able to see my gran for the first time since lockdown. She told me off for not visiting sooner. FML

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By fattie4life - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my little sister as she explained that all these guys like her now that she's so skinny and beautiful. My mom must have overheard me tell my sister that at least I was a cuter child, because my mom laughed and said, "Yeah right, we had to buy you fat kid diapers." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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By uglyswimmer - United States

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

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By nice one

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By titillating - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Muddyidiot - 6/1/2021 05:01

Good deeds

Today, after I was done testing a group of people for Covid, the universe decided that no, the deed was not good enough. On the way to the bus stop, I slipped and had to ride home covered in mud. FML

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Placentia

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 14:00

Spreading it around

Today, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she's going to Panama City, Florida this weekend and is going to "get lit." It's the middle of the pandemic, and she's going to go party on a beach. She'll be back at work Tuesday. FML

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By fyourlife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 23:02

Ambien conversations are the worst

Today, my close friend messaged me, asking if she could still move in. I don't remember the conversation we had saying that she could move in in the first place. I live in a one bedroom apartment. I have no idea what to say. FML

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By Preggo - United States - Memphis

Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML

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By PeedMaPants - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

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By AntSimo - South Africa

Today, whilst presenting a report to the head of my college, I was arrested by a police officer for assault. I was in a bar the night before and accidentally bumped into a local tough guy on the way to the toilet. I got punched in the face. The witnesses got our names mixed up. That'll look great on my CV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

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By Garrett - United States

Today, I was on my computer when the girl that I really like instant-messages me. I went to type back, accidentally pressed control-V, and posted an entire article on how to remove genital warts. FML

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By akasoor - Canada - Hythe

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

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By Odds in my favour

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By ssydneyy - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

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By MissArizona - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Make it so

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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By imy - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

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By nbj10 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

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By wtf

Get out

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my phone there and had got a text from a guy saying, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By Bethany - United States

Today, I have an orthodontist's appointment, and I told my best friend that I was going to get my teeth fixed. She replied, "Wow, thanks. Your smile's really awful to have to look at." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a massage. I guess I hit the spot, because he muttered, "Please marry me" into the pillow. Considering we've been going out for years and had spoken about marriage before, I stopped in my tracks. He stammered, "Oh, I mean... Not like that. Will you keep going?" FML

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By dude - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

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By Adam - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By katelouise2102 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

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By FUCKING POWER - United States - Wixom

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

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Top comments

By shawnarawwwrr | 0

#108550 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:14

did you not even look at what you were swallowing?!

thats what she said

By manders_ | 0

#108530 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:11

oh god that sucks..

COMMENTS

By manders_ | 0

#108530 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:11

oh god that sucks..

Daft_Punk709 | 0

#986497 - Thursday 29 April 2010 8:19

Myabe you dropped two pills and didn't see the other one on the ground.

FIRST!!!!! (to comment on the first comment)

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1014244 - Monday 31 May 2010 22:24

ewww think about it what did she swallow

ezioaudatore | 0

#1175050 - Monday 2 August 2010 7:17

fail

harmoo_fml | 0

#1425516 - Sunday 19 September 2010 6:06

I hope you don't own a rabbit, op

foodlord | 5

#3503215 - Friday 28 October 2011 11:03

By any chance do u hav mysterious animals wandering round ur house?

tournamentdecide | 33

#6026197 - Saturday 2 August 2014 21:09

No, this swallows.

ThatsIncentive | 8

#6707385 - Sunday 30 October 2016 3:40

You mean it swallows.

By Scorpi3 | 0

#108548 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:15

ewwww

Rachel_Vikram | 0

#2102228 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:24

Maybe you should check your droppings...

By BaldOuting | 0

#108549 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:14

hopefully it was a tictac!

By shawnarawwwrr | 0

#108550 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:14

did you not even look at what you were swallowing?!

thats what she said

hubbabubbba | 0

#1027741 - Friday 11 June 2010 12:41

lol

MwahFMLS | 6

#3092356 - Friday 12 August 2011 10:51

ILoveThis.

By MsSippi | 0

#108555 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:16

It couldn't have been THAT nasty if you mistook it for a pill. Still that is not good.

By Tehalon | 0

#108559 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:16

Hope it was xtc :D

elcartel | 0

#982125 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 3:36

you are so right

By darkmis1 | 17

#108564 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:17

Uhh....call a doctor

By ATchick_08 | 0

#108576 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:21

A rat turd??? lmao

By plaidrabbit | 0

#108580 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:20

I hope you don't have a pet rabbit or something...could be a turd.

By Meow34 | 0

#108581 - Monday 13 April 2009 23:21

YDI. Don't you look at something before you actually put it in your mouth?

Pooopsack | 9

#2441027 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:09

She was half asleep. I would have done the same thing.