Love: Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 612

06/06/2016 04:57

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 462

You deserved it 3 162

The smell detective is on the case

Own it

Footloose

17/10/2010 00:31

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 997

You deserved it 31 700

05/03/2013 03:38

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 079

You deserved it 3 572

03/11/2010 18:10

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 350

You deserved it 29 215

04/09/2014 06:44

Today, I tried to blink out a small speck of dirt that was caught in my eye. Instead, I learned what it feels like to suffocate a small, angry spider with your eyelid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 479

You deserved it 3 825

14/09/2011 11:06

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 669

You deserved it 5 727

15/01/2014 15:05

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 933

You deserved it 5 372

14/03/2010 10:21

Today, I found out that the so-called vegetarian soy sauce my mom has made for me several times has minced meat in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 175

You deserved it 13 452

27/01/2017 11:53

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 951

You deserved it 504

12/08/2018 08:30

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 915

You deserved it 325

18/02/2011 21:18

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 063

You deserved it 4 477

05/04/2011 07:30

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 209

You deserved it 56 848

FML brings solace

By Depresso - 24/07/2021 16:01

Today, I checked this site to find out that my previous submission had made it onto the main page. This has been the sole highlight in my life for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 170

02/09/2009 00:04

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 965

You deserved it 3 066

21/04/2012 19:26

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 014

You deserved it 3 210

04/02/2009 23:29

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 682

You deserved it 15 872

01/12/2011 20:32

Spicy

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 182

You deserved it 3 420

30/04/2009 15:11

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 502

You deserved it 9 268

11/10/2018 17:30

Today, my dog had diarrhea in his cage. While I was carrying his dirty bed downstairs to the washer, he ran by and tripped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 596

You deserved it 279

08/01/2013 05:20

Spicy

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 894

You deserved it 8 701

22/03/2009 04:51

Today, my friend asked me if she could borrow my laptop and I can pick it up later and I said ok. I stop by her house later and no one answers. The next-door neighbor says that she left to go live with her mom. She lives in Detroit. I live in Maine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 208

You deserved it 10 505

14/04/2012 11:10

Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 453

You deserved it 7 451

12/12/2016 12:46

Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 429

You deserved it 847

30/06/2009 09:23

Today, I decided to start running to stay fit. Before I left, I put my cell phone in my sweat shirt pocket, and jumped vigorously up and down and ran around my apartment to make sure it wouldn't fall out. On a bridge, it slides out of my pocket and drops fifteen feet into the water below. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 358

You deserved it 16 155

04/10/2016 11:11

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 005

You deserved it 1 014

Jealousy

By jake - 10/01/2021 18:02

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 223

Believe in the Q

By Q Hub - 14/10/2021 14:00

Today, I found out my 36 year-old wife has been cyberstalking an 18 year old-girl for a week. Why? Because the girl doesn’t believe in QAnon. I found out when my wife’s online business started getting backlash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 689

You deserved it 71

25/12/2010 04:59

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 391

You deserved it 4 337

21/02/2011 22:20

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 478

You deserved it 3 400

22/12/2011 17:26

Spicy

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 924

You deserved it 7 944

Fortunately, she is gone

By IGotFinessed - 14/11/2019 14:00

Today, I just realized that my ex-girlfriend has been using my credit card to buy condoms, beer, and dildos just to piss me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 545

19/10/2012 02:49

Today, after being totally in love with a guy since middle school, I finally had enough self confidence to go and talk to him. Turns out he's boring as fuck. I obsessed over this guy for nearly 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 968

You deserved it 37 092

03/07/2012 17:33

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 890

You deserved it 9 342

Private everything, always!

By Unemployed - 31/08/2021 16:01

Today, I received an e-mail telling me the job offer I got last week was rescinded. Apparently, the memes I share on my Instagram page are "tasteless" and don’t fit the company’s values. I forgot my profile is public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 1 647

Brain fog

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 20:01

Today, I was at the dentist and got laughing gas to lessen the anxiety I get from the numbing shots. When I was good and "relaxed", an assistant leaned real close and said, "Open wide." I just stared back at her and widened my eyes. She had to clarify she was talking about my mouth. Duh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 209

11/07/2019 18:00

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 350

You deserved it 265

11/03/2016 01:59

Today, my father informed me that he plans to play a drum solo instead of making a speech at my wedding. And yes, he IS completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 025

You deserved it 2 036

28/04/2009 09:44

Spicy

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 879

You deserved it 6 501

14/11/2018 15:30

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 158

You deserved it 267

13/04/2014 09:33

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 591

You deserved it 4 433

26/03/2009 04:42

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 169

You deserved it 76 694

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Monday 6 June 2016 15:29

At least you got to spend it with someone you like. Just don't let your shy side completely take over when you see her again.

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Monday 6 June 2016 15:35

Try chatting with her next time.

Comments

Send a private message

Monday 6 June 2016 15:29

At least you got to spend it with someone you like. Just don't let your shy side completely take over when you see her again.

Send a private message

Monday 6 June 2016 15:35

Try chatting with her next time.

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 20:37

OhhoHOHo great advice man 100% A+ all my problems solved!

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Monday 6 June 2016 15:40

Can be awkward at first, especially if you both like one another. Give it time and maybe have some mutual friends around for the next meeting.

TheMathMajor 26

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Monday 6 June 2016 17:49

I met my partner online and we had been talking for over a month before we met in person. It was super awkward, but the next day we hung out again and we were fine. It really does just take some time sometimes. We've been together now for 3 years :D

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 June 2016 10:42

I met my boyfriend on WoW and we didn't hold hands for months because we were so weird around each other irl. We've been together for over 6 years now. :)

ermagherdaturdis 26

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 0:40

My boyfriend wouldn't make eye contact for our first two dates as he's so shy. We've been together almost a year now.

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Sunday 12 June 2016 7:53

Congratulations！！！

MetalxSoldier 26

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Monday 6 June 2016 15:49

You should have also wished for confidence. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have more chances to hang out with her. Everyone gets shy sometimes.

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Monday 6 June 2016 16:00

Next time you guys hang out, talk about how awkward it was and just laugh it off

rockeditionbarbi 14

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Monday 6 June 2016 16:07

Did you know conversation works both ways? I feel like there's more to this story.

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Monday 6 June 2016 16:08

Well that's just the icing on the cake

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Monday 6 June 2016 16:38

try to tell to her your thought

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Monday 6 June 2016 16:54

The universe can you only provide you with the situation... It can't make you take advantage of it. You blew it op! Happy birthday though.

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Monday 6 June 2016 17:03

Say anything, even if it's that you really shy around her because she's pretty.