Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to...

By dlova - United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

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Love

Serious times

The opposite of a good idea

Where are you?

By Lee - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By smileytheface - United States

Today, my car got stolen. While I was standing ten feet away from it. FML

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By cryface - Canada - Toronto

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend he was like an animal in bed. He responded saying I was like a dead animal in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Keys, how do they work?

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

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By GavinHosler - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

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By jodibut - United States

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Perris

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

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By just-a-fat-cat - United States - West Bend

Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud wheezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML

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By ouch - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

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By Nick - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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25397

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By hannahg - United States - Romulus

Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML

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40321

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 23:00

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

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470

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By Lies - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had started dating changed her Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". Naturally, I changed mine too. The next time I logged on, she had commented, "Really?! Who?!" She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

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24301

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By theuglyone - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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By jcooh0lla - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML

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53589

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By scottskidee - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

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22413

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By bagadigi - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - United States - Kalispell

I can't help it!

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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40455

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By JGarz - United States - Tucson

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

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By facepalming all the way - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

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By Gaylord - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

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By phonemenace - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the "nasty smell" in my room, which I cannot detect, does not exist. It was just my stepmother trying to make me go insane deep-cleaning my room for her personal amusement. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 02:00

Honesty is the best policy

Today, I finally went on a date with a girl I've been talking to for 2 years. She is my dream girl, picture perfect and I love her with all my heart. So I asked her, half jokingly, if I was her dream guy. Her reply? "Don't ask me something you don't want to hear the answer of." FML

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1277

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By Anonymous - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By swana99 - United States - Woburn

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

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By Waheyyy - United Kingdom

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

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By emmey - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

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By bigdawg702 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

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By meme71

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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31354

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowler

Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML

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By Jordan - Jordan - Amman

Bugging out

Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year-old guy. FML

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27525

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By Moe - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

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By Tara115 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

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Top comments

By birdfreak | 24

#1885205 - Friday 24 December 2010 7:18

oh yeah she's totally into u

By crazy_diva | 0

#117281 - Friday 17 April 2009 0:00

hahahaha My friend who is bi took a photo of herself making out with her ex-boyfriend's other ex and sent it to him just to piss him off. And I agree with #6 lol

COMMENTS

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#24458 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 18:10

now you've officially been choppedNskrewed =)

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6054636 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:19

I'm sure you felt proud after!

By gofriars | 0

#65595 - Saturday 28 March 2009 22:52

I don't see how this is FML-worthy. She's making out with another girl at a party. That's hot and sexy. That's "I love my life!", not "F*** my life!"

Sarahforever | 4

#969820 - Sunday 28 March 2010 15:01

agreed. I've made out with girls at parties and I'm straight. this isn't an fml

LaRee | 0

#2514059 - Sunday 15 May 2011 14:56

^ u sure about that?

CaliSwaggGirl | 0

#2778390 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 9:21

I was gonna say the same thing hahahaha

melikesfml | 11

#4441159 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 6:36

FML Team, rape this guy^^^

By crazy_diva | 0

#117281 - Friday 17 April 2009 0:00

hahahaha My friend who is bi took a photo of herself making out with her ex-boyfriend's other ex and sent it to him just to piss him off. And I agree with #6 lol

By 24788 | 6

#155988 - Thursday 30 April 2009 7:52

oh that's rough. I can't read girls either.

By f_MY_life94 | 0

#486387 - Friday 14 August 2009 17:47

so either you're gay, bi, or she is?
wtf?

By kpo216 | 0

#832560 - Sunday 7 February 2010 7:44

forsure bullshit

By mariahrawks | 0

#995791 - Monday 17 May 2010 0:02

the crushee? lmao

By vickieyeah | 0

#1006865 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 14:32

they might both be!

By Clare420 | 0

#1024354 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 1:17

your gay for quoting a dumb song

By jade567 | 0

#1028535 - Saturday 12 June 2010 10:03

it's not nice to call people gay.

bitch.