Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML
Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML
Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could "eat my pussy." This has became my parakeet's new favorite phrase. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML
Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
BlameTheOwls 14
Not gonna lie, that's a great image.
kiki1705 20
Is he having a hard time teaching them? =)
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (126)
XanderLance 19
imagine how much those claws would hurt digging in...
RA91 26
I'm sorry but...this is hilarious!!!!! LMAOOOOO!!!!!!!ROFL!!!!!!
sayyestothedress 24
My thoughts exactly!
vikky538 29
which one you are more worried about the baby parakeets or your boyfriends boner..
martin8337 36
Hopefully the birds won't peck his pecker. Or maybe so, he probably deserves it.
RedPillSucks 33
how much wood, would a wood pecker peck, if a wood pecker could peck wood
cadillacgal79 32
But woodpeckers can peck wood.
martin8337 36
if a woodpecker could peck wood, it would peck as much wood as a woodpecker could peck.
PeterPanties 6
Wouldn't that be considered **********?
GentlemanBastard 15
He wasn't ******* the birds. So no.
omgwthilu 20
At least they were not woodpeckers.
UmmOkThen 31
That's actually super funny.
dakid87 10
If he master it, please let me know so I can master it too
oJoy 11
Argh! I would be worried