Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML
Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML
Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could "eat my pussy." This has became my parakeet's new favorite phrase. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML
Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
BlameTheOwls 14
Not gonna lie, that's a great image.
kiki1705 20
Is he having a hard time teaching them? =)
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (126)
paolino_fml 18
Legendary
vphan6299 8
Was it big enough to put all three on there????
False_Stupidity 42
They were only baby parakeets...
Queenie2014 11
U sure that weren't Cockatoos
MSCCG 16
Three? And while drunk? Impressive.
Boburk 6
Cheating on u with 3 other chicks? At the same time? ....
MissBehavin77 18
I'm wondering at what point he got a hard on and got hard over what? Surely not from the idea of the birds
syed121417 22
A lot of people have the notion that a guy needs to be horny in order to get a boner. Not true. Of course when he is horny, he gets a hard on, but guys can get boners at random times, too. Just like how girls nipples can be erect besides when we are sexually excited.
demonfacee 14
Haha. Looks like someone has a bird fetish. When you guys have sex, dress as a parakeet.
shelbycobra0991 8
I guess if we all read an FML later in the week about a dude with parakeet scratches on his penis, we'll know it's from lol
harley1077 9
I do hope it's big enough to hold more than 3 babies.
dacooliest 16
this is how new STDs come about xD