Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML
Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML
Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could "eat my pussy." This has became my parakeet's new favorite phrase. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML
Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML
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Top comments
BlameTheOwls 14
Not gonna lie, that's a great image.
kiki1705 20
Is he having a hard time teaching them? =)
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Comments (126)
steftriv 18
Well that's new..
pl0xs3rver 45
I first read this as the boyfriend was trying to teach their baby how to put parakeets on his penis...I'm glad I read it again.
brendejafulable 41
He is probably into **********. ....
SplineMan 4
I dunno. I'm sort of impressed he can still get hard when he's drunk. That's not necessarily as easy as you might think. (Aren't you glad I didn't say it was hard to do that?)
narjle 1
That some mess up shit lol!
laaryssa 21
That's actually fantastic! Please tell me you took a video?
middlenamefrank 8
I would think that would hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. They can grip your finger pretty hard when they're perched there.
tasteelingus 1
And their talons....yeesh....dude must've been pretty drunk if that didn't hurt.
cjwayy 22
Your boyfriend gets drunk by himself?
slyde32 12
or you know, he just came back from the pub, or he had mates around who caught taxis home, besides who're you to judge if he drinks alone
nitrog100 21
I'm never surprised by anything that comes from Florida anymore.
Matrixzam2095 8
I want to know the conversation they had upon walking in on him.