Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML
Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML
Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could "eat my pussy." This has became my parakeet's new favorite phrase. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML
Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML
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Top comments
BlameTheOwls 14
Not gonna lie, that's a great image.
kiki1705 20
Is he having a hard time teaching them? =)
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Comments (126)
sem2183 13
Ok now that I'm done laughing my ass off all I gotta say is seriously? Lol wow.
syed121417 22
I wouldn't call it a fetish, because it doesn't sound like OP's boyfriend is attracted to birds. It just sounds like he's drunk like OP said and is being an idiot, which is pretty common when hammered, as we all know. I have to be honest, if I walked in on that I would probably ******* laugh as hard as possible but then slowly try to move him away from the birds because I wouldn't want him to get hurt.
lollypop624 11
Guess he watches Cyanide & Happiness as well.
Kevinmeowbeanz 22
only in Florida