Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls...

By Wraith - 6/11/2013 17:27 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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Work

Thanks, I'm cured!

Great speech, thanks!

Social distancing gone wrong

By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 21:58 - Mexico

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

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By bambam - 12/5/2014 16:01 - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

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By uuuuugh - 21/1/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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By KaLa - 8/2/2009 16:30 - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By TheMike23 - 11/1/2016 05:28 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

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By gothicvamp93 - 4/1/2015 06:46 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boss called and yelled at me because he said I was "spotted" out after I called off sick. I was out getting the medicine the doctor had just prescribed me. FML

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By Anon - 6/9/2015 12:50 - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2018 08:30 - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By Alex - 29/5/2017 16:00

Today my brother, instead of filming me during my very first musical presentation in New York, took 45 pictures of the sexy trumpeter that was two rows behind me. With MY camera. FML

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By evilwater - 15/7/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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By Mothertucker - 8/3/2017 00:00

Today, I came across one of the pitfalls of having open discussions with my 15-year-old son when he asked me how to shave his pubes. FML

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By jessica - 17/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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By yarenis - 24/12/2013 10:45 - United States - Gardner

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees. For some reason, everybody pronounce it "your anus". FML

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By kiwi023 - 14/2/2012 06:50 - Canada

Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML

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By down1dog - 26/7/2020 20:01

RIP in peace

Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2020 14:00

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By Rev - 18/3/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I was working at Coldstone. When a customer tips us we are required to sing. A late night DJ came in, put 20 dollars in the tip cup, and asked to hear every song we had. After we sang one song he looked at me and asked me to please stop singing or he was taking his money back. FML

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By a person - 5/3/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 12:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the regional manager of my company came out to do some performance reviews. I was so nervous that my palms were sweaty, and when he reached out to shake my hand, I blurted out, "I'm sorry, you made me wet." FML

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By lobotomized - 13/7/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

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By crakbbyaparently - 31/1/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 17:20 - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

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By talkingtoaretard - 25/1/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By stupidboss - 31/3/2016 03:23 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I got into a car accident with my boss, and he asked if I could come to work the next day. I'm in the hospital and he knows it. FML

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By catcraze - 20/5/2013 23:23 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

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By TheKingDavis - 14/2/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML

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By Austin - 17/6/2016 05:57 - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

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By sfabsits - 17/7/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I was walking down the strip with a friend when we saw a homeless man with no arm. I felt bad, so I gave him some cash and I looked into his poor little eyes when he put out his arm for a hug. Without thinking, I hugged him. Right as I was thinking, "wtf am I doing," he kissed my boob. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2010 00:57 - Australia

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 01:07 - United States

Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - 1/2/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By onedollar - 24/7/2010 21:56 - Venezuela

Today, someone gave me 13 dollar bills. I rejected one because I'm very superstitious about the unlucky 13. Later, I waited half an hour in the car for someone to bring me exactly 1 dollar because I did not have enough for the parking fee. FML

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By day001313 - 7/4/2012 04:32 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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By soembarassed - 18/3/2016 18:26 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

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By farmingman - 14/4/2016 23:24 - United States

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

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Top comments

By lilhellian | 26

#5744825 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 22:32

That snot a good situation, hopefully the image doesn't stay in your head for too long.

By CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5744843 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 22:38

I don't know about you or OP, but if I saw someone pick their nose and wipe it under their desk or on the wall, I'd fucking say something. Since he ate his own nasty nose gold I wouldn't feel the need to say something to him at all, but once he started sticking it around the work place there'd be no way I could keep my mouth shut. Keep an eye on him OP and do not, I repeat do not, shake hands with him. Ever.

COMMENTS

By jkalan | 5

#5744823 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 22:31

first to say anything!

By aly_pinay22 | 8

#5744824 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 22:32

What has been seen cannot be unseen! Sorry, OP!

euphoricness | 28

#5744946 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 23:53

I wish that would work in my math class

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5745070 - Thursday 7 November 2013 1:10

#36 but you'd still have to sit through class and you'd learn nothing. So an hour of your life wasted and then you would fail you class :).

By lilhellian | 26

#5744825 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 22:32

That snot a good situation, hopefully the image doesn't stay in your head for too long.

BillMurray_fml | 12

#5744950 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 23:57

I'd boogie out of there for sure

tman1985 | 9

#5745458 - Thursday 7 November 2013 8:26

the image will get congested in the sinuses

By KimJongIllest | 8

#5744826 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 22:33

Yummy!

andrew6p | 19

#5744840 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 22:37

Tastes like chicken huh?

evan_7899 | 28

#5744925 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 23:27

I was just about to eat chicken for dinner, thanks

euphoricness | 28

#5744969 - Thursday 7 November 2013 0:09

Just imagine that it tastes like chicken

gc327072 | 29

#5745010 - Thursday 7 November 2013 0:36

I've never understood why people lose their appetite over a statement. I've watched CSI autopsies while eating spaghetti… maybe I'm just a budding serial killer. 0_o