Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger...

By Confused and Disgusted - 23/2/2015 23:42 - United States - Sparta

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

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Work

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Incognito browsing

Great guy

By Anonymous - 17/7/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

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By widow - 19/10/2010 22:58 - United States

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

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By CollegeFreshman - 11/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML

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By jake - 12/8/2012 15:49 - United States - Bend

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

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By mskawaiibat - 29/6/2013 10:01 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, my step mom and her kids moved in. This is my first night sharing a room with her daughter. She snores, sleep talks, and sleep scratches the side of the bed creating a sound like nails on a chalkboard. FML

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By derbyboy - 19/10/2011 05:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

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By musicalkitcat - 5/10/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, one of my best friends went into labor 14 days early. I'd told my boss previously about this and that I need to be there for my friend as she doesn't really have any family. My boss will not let me leave work to be there. Why? I didn't give enough notice. FML

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By mrmidi - 21/5/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

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By surefeelslikelove - 6/6/2011 16:01

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

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By Wow - 11/4/2013 12:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

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By ChubbyTubby - 17/1/2010 18:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML

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By jakeeey - 18/1/2013 01:16 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

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By upupandaway - 30/1/2012 23:51 - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

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By Puddlepop - 1/3/2016 09:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

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By foxbrat - 11/10/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

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By the un-loved child - 28/7/2013 22:34 - United States - Salida

Today, my mom confessed to loving my "little sister" more than she loves me. My "little sister" is the family dog. FML

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By SadFace - 12/9/2013 12:39 - Australia - Newmarket

Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML

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By SadExperiment - 30/10/2012 00:42 - United States - Claremont

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has secretly been conditioning me to get turned on by the smell of bananas. Guess whose new co-worker peels a nice, fragrant banana five times a day. FML

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By Dx - 6/3/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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By deargodwhy - 4/9/2020 10:03

Throwing shade

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 11:01 - United States - Rockaway Park

Credibility loss

Today, I was promoted to vice president of my company. I gave a speech explaining how I intended to run things more transparently. When I bent down to pick up my folder, my pants split. Somebody said, "Powerpuff girls panties. Transparent indeed." FML

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By Toloveornottolove - 12/6/2016 16:08 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I was about to call my parents and tell them we're getting married, but they called me first to announce they're getting a divorce. FML

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By happy bday - 17/9/2010 04:02 - Canada

Today, is my 21st birthday. My friends took me to a bar to celebrate, knowing I don't drink. I am now in charge of driving my friends home after they had an awesome night. FML

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By plzdontclapme - 1/7/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By bubblewrap - 20/10/2015 10:13 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

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By jackzz - 9/4/2015 07:55 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

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By #isthisthepoundkey? - 1/11/2013 16:49 - United States - Deltona

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

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By trippy - 24/6/2019 20:01

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

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By singlesoon - 25/8/2009 04:26 - Canada

Today, I bailed my soon to be ex-husband out of jail after he'd been arrested for soliciting. Soliciting an undercover cop. FML

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By ELK - 18/7/2018 15:00

Today, having played golf for 15 years, I had my first hole in one. I was playing by myself. There were no witnesses. FML

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By theuglyfriend - 17/7/2012 06:09 - United States - Riverbank

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

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By college estudiata - 27/6/2015 00:57

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 12:44 - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 15:46

Today, I started a sport journalism degree. I was the only female out of 60 students. The lecturer started talking about how we should all aspire to become sports editors of national newspapers. Later, he said women have no chance of ever becoming sports editors. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2017 16:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 4 years thinks my chemotherapy sessions are the perfect opportunity to sleep with other girls. FML

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - 6/8/2015 08:33 - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By ether10 - 4/6/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML

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By Masey - 17/9/2009 12:46 - United States

Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

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Top comments

By MDoremis | 38

#6212177 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:18

That is so disgusting.

By crissalove | 22

#6212172 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:13

Um... what? O.o

COMMENTS

By crissalove | 22

#6212172 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:13

Um... what? O.o

abattior | 18

#6212212 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:58

A customer came up to OP and he stick up his finger to OP's armpit and he then licked it.

JMichael | 25

#6212278 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 11:45

I think she was just caught off guard sir.

tossaway2321 | 5

#6213508 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 10:10

Um... what? O.o

By codalicious | 16

#6212173 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:14

It's what you get for doing slow motion jumping jacks at work.

WattledParsley | 11

#6212899 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 21:59

*Ba dum tssss* *Cricket noise*

By ChrissyRaz | 9

#6212174 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:15

Well ewww

swanheart | 35

#6218783 - Monday 2 March 2015 9:05

Well duh!

By MDoremis | 38

#6212177 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:18

That is so disgusting.

By delude | 26

#6212179 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:19

Some people are just so weird

By missbrit818 | 20

#6212180 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:19

What the actual f

Ichiya | 29

#6214050 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 19:52

And the not so actual fuck too!

By emeraldisle | 30

#6212182 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:21

Maybe he just wanted to taste your deodorant.

saba_ajira | 29

#6212282 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 11:55

Because you know, that's normal

wildgenius | 13

#6212336 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 13:11

It's called old spice for a reason

By hedgedcats | 19

#6212185 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:23

I wonder if those type of people wake up and already have planned what they're going to do.

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6212187 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:24

yummy in his tummy

By cheeeksss | 29

#6212189 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:26

I cringed so hard. What the fuck..