Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger...

By Confused and Disgusted - 23/2/2015 23:42 - United States - Sparta

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

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Work

Rock, hard place

Compassion

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By stranded - 27/9/2010 05:56 - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By emogurl - 22/7/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2018 14:00

Today I was really hitting it off with my blind date and was eager to arrange a second date. I gave him my number and he decided to call my phone so I could save his number. My phone didn’t ring. He got upset because he thought I gave him a fake number and stormed off. The battery was dead. FML

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By tootles - 22/5/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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By Cougar - 24/7/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

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By LA - 17/2/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 05:00

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

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By ftt - 6/12/2016 15:22

Today, Facebook notified me a "friend" had tagged me in one of his photos. It was a group photo of 20, but my face was the only one that was intentionally blocked out with an emoji because I "didn't belong in the group." FML

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By theguy24 - 27/1/2009 12:47 - United States

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 03:07 - United States

Today, my younger brother called me saying he's getting married. Now, I have to attend my ex's wedding. I'm the best man. FML

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By stupidassgeek - 15/6/2016 13:22 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

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By Samuel - 21/5/2010 19:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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By c - 9/2/2012 00:07

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

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By sel2207 - 6/1/2009 03:27 - France

Today, I lent my brand new earrings to one of my friends. Everyone told her that they are pretty, and look really great on her. I've been wearing them for the last 3 weeks, and no one has ever mentioned them. FML

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By a - 31/10/2009 04:14 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was chatting with a friend on msn. She told me a few days ago a Halloween party we had been planning was canceled because her parents said no at the last moment. Wanting to cheer her up, I went to her house to surprise her. I guess the party wasn't canceled after all. FML

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By library book - 10/7/2014 05:27 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2017 22:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By over_due - 21/6/2016 16:12 - United States

Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML

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By ugh - 12/3/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

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By BadLuckLad - 22/10/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 11:57 - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

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By Nofriends - 9/7/2012 11:44 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

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By future burger flipper - 3/6/2013 19:22 - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - 13/3/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By holdengurl18 - 21/6/2011 04:46 - China

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

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By Shell - 5/3/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2010 20:53 - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By tingles - 19/1/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 22:35 - Canada - Concord

Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML

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By smellsfunnyinfrance - 21/8/2016 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

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By SadFace - 12/9/2013 12:39 - Australia - Newmarket

Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML

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By Van - 7/12/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I took a hot plate out of the oven with my fancy silicone oven mitt. Seconds after carefully placing it on the cook top, I picked it up with my left, unprotected hand. FML

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By buiuuum - 27/7/2011 16:35 - United States

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

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By ripdivine - 24/2/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

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By fmyarse - 22/7/2012 22:45 - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By not funny but :( - 28/3/2013 16:24 - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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Top comments

By MDoremis | 38

#6212177 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:18

That is so disgusting.

By crissalove | 22

#6212172 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:13

Um... what? O.o

Comments

By crissalove | 22

#6212172 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:13

Um... what? O.o

abattior | 18

#6212212 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:58

A customer came up to OP and he stick up his finger to OP's armpit and he then licked it.

JMichael | 25

#6212278 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 11:45

I think she was just caught off guard sir.

tossaway2321 | 5

#6213508 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 10:10

Um... what? O.o

By codalicious | 16

#6212173 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:14

It's what you get for doing slow motion jumping jacks at work.

WattledParsley | 11

#6212899 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 21:59

*Ba dum tssss* *Cricket noise*

By ChrissyRaz | 9

#6212174 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:15

Well ewww

swanheart | 35

#6218783 - Monday 2 March 2015 9:05

Well duh!

By MDoremis | 38

#6212177 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:18

That is so disgusting.

By delude | 26

#6212179 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:19

Some people are just so weird

By missbrit818 | 20

#6212180 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:19

What the actual f

Ichiya | 29

#6214050 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 19:52

And the not so actual fuck too!

By emeraldisle | 30

#6212182 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:21

Maybe he just wanted to taste your deodorant.

saba_ajira | 29

#6212282 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 11:55

Because you know, that's normal

wildgenius | 13

#6212336 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 13:11

It's called old spice for a reason

By hedgedcats | 19

#6212185 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:23

I wonder if those type of people wake up and already have planned what they're going to do.

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6212187 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:24

yummy in his tummy

By cheeeksss | 29

#6212189 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:26

I cringed so hard. What the fuck..