Miscellaneous: Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me.... - FML

By fuck you, bitchcake - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

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Understandable

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Mother of the year

By harvdog - United States

Today, I went to Seattle with my mom to visit my pregnant sister, only to end up being dragged to a store to buy maternity clothes. The saleswoman apologized to me repeatedly for not having a lounge for the fathers, but congratulated me on the baby. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Just a dream

Today, at midnight, I heard my son calling for his mom. I stopped by his room and asked him what was wrong? He didn't tell me. Instead, he said: "Oh, I don't need you." FML

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By noooooo - Canada

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

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By duderboi99 - United States

Today, I was writing a huge paper for a class as our last grade. My dog starts scratching himself. He hit the power button on the computer. Nothing was saved. FML

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By nalathelionqueen - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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By nano123

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

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By joeshmoe - United States

Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML

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By achoo - United States

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys... the whole bit. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

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By thecaptainmorgan - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

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By piercednipple - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

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By allennn - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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By Huedadaa - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

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By Finn - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

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By sad-sexed - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

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By LaLa - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

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By wowohwow - United States

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

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By jzappe - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

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By fatty fatfuck

You can't win

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

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By joonsson

Today, I had to get an EKG device attached for a 24-hour test. Not too bad, but I have to wear a string vest over it, and every time I move, it chafes something crazy. My nipples in particular. Only 22 hours to go. FML

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By desertpunk75 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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By mylifesucks - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

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By whorecrux - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

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By alii2349 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

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By legitweirdo - United States - Brooklyn

Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight, the guy sitting next to me picked an eyelash he found on my face, stared at it for a few seconds, and stuck it in his mouth. FML

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By notmarriedyet - United States

Today, it was my wedding day. Everything went great, except that no one showed up. Apparently, the address of the invitation was typed wrong. FML

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By ripfluffy - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

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By nonexistant - United States

Today, a cute girl came up to me with her boyfriend and said, "If you end up looking like him, it's over." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

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By none - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his favourites contact list on his phone with a heart image. Cute, but I saw another contact on the list with a heart image as well: his favourite take out restaurant. FML

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By busmonster - United States - Alexandria

Today, I told my nephew to be careful when crossing the street in front of a bus because it might eat him. We then watched as a bus slowed down and stopped in front of a group of people. When the bus moved away, all the people were gone. My nephew is terrified, and won't stop crying. FML

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By baybuh - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

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Top comments

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

COMMENTS

By 41swags | 9

#5750229 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:41

Two words: Ass hole

Reply

mercifulbane | 3

#5750254 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

20 minutes? took you some time there

Reply

Haduken | 16

#5750294 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:08

I love the analogy you used

Reply

jococo7787 | 3

#5750320 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:29

If i were op, next time i would bring an umbrella to the movies.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5750332 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:37

Asshole is a single compound word, asshole.

Reply

Lacist | 19

#5750367 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:24

Two words:
Worth it.

Reply

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5750447 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:23

#32 Thats 5 words. Jk

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5750457 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:32

Really? 5 words? Even if you are joking its still 4 words.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5750564 - Monday 11 November 2013 7:57

6 words: Can't count.

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5750618 - Monday 11 November 2013 9:14

Not that these are directed at anyone, but there's asshole, asshat, ass-wipe, how many more versions of the word are there (and do I really want to know)?

Reply

8313girl | 28

#5750780 - Monday 11 November 2013 14:47

Ok I know Y'all are on the asshole vs. ass-hole debate but y'all failed to miss OP's title. I think bitchcake is a much better insult lol.

Reply

44345 | 9

#5750813 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:35

yeah asshole world

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6615905 - Friday 27 May 2016 5:16

"Bitchcake" omg I love the title

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

Reply

puggypark | 14

#5750409 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:49

You should have explained to the people that kicked you out that the guy was throwing stuff at you

By CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5750240 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

At least you got to see the look on his face. Probably better then te movie.

By masterof1 | 7

#5750241 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

MaryJaneUSA | 4

#5750344 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:47

That would egg on the thrower I think...

By FreakoHolm | 6

#5750244 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:46

Bet those good news felt real good.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5751561 - Tuesday 12 November 2013 4:20

Did that really need to be said?

By astralvagan | 20

#5750248 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

why not just get the theater staff to throw him out?

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750501 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:13

It's in Canada, eh. The staff would have gave him free popcorn for wasting his time or something nice like that.

Reply

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5752682 - Wednesday 13 November 2013 2:54

Actually, we give dog sleds with upgraded Huskies, because we're that fucking nice. SO much better then popcorn. What do you think we are, arrogant or something? Jeez.

By caver1 | 14

#5750256 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

The same ting happend to me at a ball game.

Reply

iknowiwantyou | 13

#5750370 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:26

ting mon.

Reply

coldasfire | 23

#6287338 - Sunday 10 May 2015 19:21

That's great.

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750262 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:51

What a twit. Not only did he start shit first but he wasted delicious candy on you for nothing! Other people would have appreciated watching the film while eating that expensive candy more so than him (unless he snuck his own in) but same thing still applies.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5750306 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:16

I find your picture disturbingly hot.

By Alycat6363 | 15

#5750263 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:52

Ugh I wouldn't put up with that for 5 minutes, how did you handle 20?

Reply

YDIoveragain | 4

#5750482 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:52

5min? I might let the first time go as an accident the moment the second candy hit me he be in for some beat down
.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750502 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:15

Because he's Canadian, eh.

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5750948 - Monday 11 November 2013 17:59

because it's sadly true...