Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me.... - FML

By fuck you, bitchcake - 10/11/2013 18:26 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41179

You deserved it

3753

Tweet

Share

Instadrama

White line fever

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 08:00

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1651

You deserved it

283

Tweet

Share

By Seule - 29/6/2016 04:07 - Switzerland - Pully

Today, on a movie date with my boyfriend, it took me a while to understand why he was leaning on his elbow during the entire thing. He had an earpiece cupped in his hand and was listening to a soccer match. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12105

You deserved it

1666

Tweet

Share

By womanlover12345 - 18/7/2011 16:05 - Spain

Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

39537

You deserved it

8822

Tweet

Share

By NowBroke - 4/4/2016 09:38 - United Kingdom - Malmesbury

Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25457

You deserved it

1820

Tweet

Share

By wat - 20/9/2013 05:52 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47553

You deserved it

3255

Tweet

Share

By :-O - 14/4/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1943

You deserved it

162

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 14:00 - Canada

Got a little a carried away there, Skippy

Today, one of the houses had actors with chainsaws. I ran away screaming and slammed into a wall. So much for being macho this Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks

666

You deserved it

1218

Tweet

Share

By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28371

You deserved it

10307

Tweet

Share

By maxiflouf - 28/12/2009 09:50 - France

Today, someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn't heard from him in years. He insisted that we met up as soon as possible, and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer. Since then, no news. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23693

You deserved it

2899

Tweet

Share

By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39235

You deserved it

5833

Tweet

Share

By Cameron - 29/10/2017 06:00

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5137

You deserved it

474

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46471

You deserved it

3373

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 01:07 - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57997

You deserved it

16828

Tweet

Share

By WELLFUCKYOUTOO - 14/8/2012 15:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28112

You deserved it

2267

Tweet

Share

By dontpanic - 21/9/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11433

You deserved it

26707

Tweet

Share

By Tyler - 6/5/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I work at McDonald's. The entire crew, myself included, got visibly excited that we had new trash cans and dust pans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36598

You deserved it

7932

Tweet

Share

By ihatekids - 20/4/2015 16:57 - United States - Billerica

Today, after a relaxing week away, my husband and I came home to discover our 17 year old son crashed one of our cars against the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31053

You deserved it

3687

Tweet

Share

By Chemist-why - 30/1/2015 15:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31416

You deserved it

8818

Tweet

Share

By itsbeenalongday - 27/9/2015 16:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31785

You deserved it

3022

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Chill out, dude

Today, I was lectured about how emotionally immature I am by someone who, afterwards, promptly threw a chair out of anger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7019

You deserved it

528

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 02:16 - Australia - Notting Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43864

You deserved it

7188

Tweet

Share

By vadoodoo22 - 15/1/2010 05:02 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27773

You deserved it

3217

Tweet

Share

By wetdreams - 5/2/2012 00:35 - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28023

You deserved it

3172

Tweet

Share

By civicman - 27/9/2009 02:19 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9627

You deserved it

65900

Tweet

Share

By allisonpaige21 - 18/6/2015 22:31 - United States - Quitman

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27329

You deserved it

5102

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7215

You deserved it

70384

Tweet

Share

By crushed - 29/3/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was hanging with my boyfriend and when his mom came to pick him up, he introduced me. She talked to me politely and i thought we hit it off very well. As I was walking away I hear her say "That's your new girlfriend? Honey, you could do so much better". FML

I agree, your life sucks

80969

You deserved it

4444

Tweet

Share

By squishy - 11/2/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12407

You deserved it

25526

Tweet

Share

By cold - 15/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Phoenix

Gasp

Today, I canceled all my plans because my boyfriend wanted to go on a date. He didn't mean with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7140

You deserved it

569

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26696

You deserved it

250188

Tweet

Share

By booo - 27/7/2012 17:46 - United States - Minden

Today, I had my eyebrows waxed for my senior pictures. After manhandling me, the cosmetologist managed to "accidentally" take my whole eyebrow off. It looks like I'll be remembered forevermore as the girl with one eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25078

You deserved it

3257

Tweet

Share

By fml - 3/3/2019 22:00 - United States - Billerica

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

704

You deserved it

2933

Tweet

Share

By demotivator - 2/11/2014 21:38 - Romania - Timisoara

Today, I finally got off my lazy ass and start studying for my upcoming exam. It was going pretty well, until my classmate called and after I proudly told him about my sudden motivation, the only thing he had to say was, "You got the date wrong, the exam was on thursday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23044

You deserved it

27423

Tweet

Share

By MakesMeLol - 18/1/2012 22:30 - Ireland

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44126

You deserved it

6743

Tweet

Share

By thechad_144 - 1/6/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11062

You deserved it

52920

Tweet

Share

By Annie - 22/11/2009 22:07 - Mexico

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28530

You deserved it

5976

Tweet

Share

By Lisa - 19/8/2018 23:30

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2779

You deserved it

198

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/1/2014 20:35 - United States - New Iberia

Today, I puked up an anti-nausea pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54118

You deserved it

4859

Tweet

Share

By yardswoman - 29/6/2016 23:01

Today, I was mowing my yard when I hit a small rock, which hit my shed. I got done mowing and realized that it wasn't a small rock, it was my son's toy plyers and it wasn't my shed, it was my car window, which had shattered on impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14003

You deserved it

1668

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 9/5/2013 00:07 - United States - Casper

Today, I let my dad put my dollar in the slot machine for me because I'm not old enough to gamble. I won $200 but he kept it because he "put the dollar in the slot machine." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54424

You deserved it

10141

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

Comments

By 41swags | 9

#5750229 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:41

Two words: Ass hole

Reply

mercifulbane | 3

#5750254 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

20 minutes? took you some time there

Reply

Haduken | 16

#5750294 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:08

I love the analogy you used

Reply

jococo7787 | 3

#5750320 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:29

If i were op, next time i would bring an umbrella to the movies.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5750332 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:37

Asshole is a single compound word, asshole.

Reply

Lacist | 19

#5750367 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:24

Two words:
Worth it.

Reply

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5750447 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:23

#32 Thats 5 words. Jk

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5750457 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:32

Really? 5 words? Even if you are joking its still 4 words.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5750564 - Monday 11 November 2013 7:57

6 words: Can't count.

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5750618 - Monday 11 November 2013 9:14

Not that these are directed at anyone, but there's asshole, asshat, ass-wipe, how many more versions of the word are there (and do I really want to know)?

Reply

8313girl | 28

#5750780 - Monday 11 November 2013 14:47

Ok I know Y'all are on the asshole vs. ass-hole debate but y'all failed to miss OP's title. I think bitchcake is a much better insult lol.

Reply

xiehan | 8

#5750813 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:35

yeah asshole world

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6615905 - Friday 27 May 2016 5:16

"Bitchcake" omg I love the title

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

Reply

puggypark | 14

#5750409 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:49

You should have explained to the people that kicked you out that the guy was throwing stuff at you

By CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5750240 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

At least you got to see the look on his face. Probably better then te movie.

By masterof1 | 7

#5750241 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

MaryJaneUSA | 4

#5750344 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:47

That would egg on the thrower I think...

By FreakoHolm | 6

#5750244 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:46

Bet those good news felt real good.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5751561 - Tuesday 12 November 2013 4:20

Did that really need to be said?

By astralvagan | 20

#5750248 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

why not just get the theater staff to throw him out?

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750501 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:13

It's in Canada, eh. The staff would have gave him free popcorn for wasting his time or something nice like that.

Reply

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5752682 - Wednesday 13 November 2013 2:54

Actually, we give dog sleds with upgraded Huskies, because we're that fucking nice. SO much better then popcorn. What do you think we are, arrogant or something? Jeez.

By caver1 | 14

#5750256 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

The same ting happend to me at a ball game.

Reply

iknowiwantyou | 13

#5750370 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:26

ting mon.

Reply

coldasfire | 23

#6287338 - Sunday 10 May 2015 19:21

That's great.

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750262 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:51

What a twit. Not only did he start shit first but he wasted delicious candy on you for nothing! Other people would have appreciated watching the film while eating that expensive candy more so than him (unless he snuck his own in) but same thing still applies.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5750306 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:16

I find your picture disturbingly hot.

By Alycat6363 | 15

#5750263 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:52

Ugh I wouldn't put up with that for 5 minutes, how did you handle 20?

Reply

YDIoveragain | 4

#5750482 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:52

5min? I might let the first time go as an accident the moment the second candy hit me he be in for some beat down
.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750502 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:15

Because he's Canadian, eh.

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5750948 - Monday 11 November 2013 17:59

because it's sadly true...