Miscellaneous: Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me.... - FML

By fuck you, bitchcake - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

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Trip Advisor says no

Boom, headshot

Gas giant

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

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By - France

Today, on her Facebook profile, my ex erased all the pictures where we were together, add her new boyfriend to her friends and changed her status to "I'm so happy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nixa

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By Miki - United States - Kenner

Today, after several years spent hung up on my ex, I was finally moving on. I was on a date with my new boyfriend when my ex walked past us. He broke down crying, got on his knees, and begged me to come back. FML

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By ghgfd - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

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By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Done for

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By sammy - 26/3/2020 04:59 - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

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By IamAflyingCat - United States

Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML

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By Michelle - New Zealand

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

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By spermbankonlegs - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

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By Annonmyus

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By Moth_Balled - Australia

Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML

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By sister of an angry nerd

Today, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. The entire time he talked about how scientifically inaccurate and improbable the entire movie was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By Ugh - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - United States

No sex for you

Today, I realized that my fiancée is using our son to make sure we can't have sex. He's two years-old and hasn't once slept in his own bed or crib. FML

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By hahahano - United States

Today, I was running late and rushing to a waiting bus. I made it to the doors just as they closed. I knocked desperately, hoping the driver would let me in. He hovered his hand over the button for a few seconds, then flipped me off and drove away laughing. FML

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By whythebunny - United States - Bastrop

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

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By wowgranny - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

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By Username - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend's car broke down on the way to the gym, so he called his dad to give us a ride. On the way, his dad talked about how much he hates me and our relationship, as if I wasn’t sitting in the back seat directly behind them. FML

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By vikts - Luxembourg - Olm

Today, I discovered that as thanks for my successful efforts to increase my company's monthly revenue, my dumbass of a boss has been awarded a pay bonus. He's wasted no time telling everyone about the sports car he's planning to buy with it. FML

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By helprelou - France - La Chevroli?re

Today, a guy who likes me a little too much, and who I asked to tone his advances down a little, sent me a message on Twitter, Facebook and by text message to apologize. FML

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By hylianprincess - United States

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I realized that it wasn't my science partner that smelled bad, it was me. How? The guy I have a crush on handed me a stick of deodorant and said, "Please use it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

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By Elmoo - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By single now - United States

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

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By Venus - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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By puzzled - United Kingdom

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving behind a tall truck when it drove through some overhanging branches. Suddenly, a huge branch fell on top of my car, leaving it scratched all over and with several dents in the roof. FML

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By immovingout - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

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By MariosNightmare - 18/12/2020 07:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Plumbed out

Today, what should've been a five-minute job replacing a drain turned into a 2 hour ordeal just to remove the old one. The original part was put in incorrectly, so whoever did it used a full tube of silicone to make it watertight. FML

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Top comments

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

COMMENTS

By 41swags | 9

#5750229 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:41

Two words: Ass hole

Reply

mercifulbane | 3

#5750254 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

20 minutes? took you some time there

Reply

Haduken | 16

#5750294 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:08

I love the analogy you used

Reply

jococo7787 | 3

#5750320 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:29

If i were op, next time i would bring an umbrella to the movies.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5750332 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:37

Asshole is a single compound word, asshole.

Reply

Lacist | 19

#5750367 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:24

Two words:
Worth it.

Reply

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5750447 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:23

#32 Thats 5 words. Jk

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5750457 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:32

Really? 5 words? Even if you are joking its still 4 words.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5750564 - Monday 11 November 2013 7:57

6 words: Can't count.

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5750618 - Monday 11 November 2013 9:14

Not that these are directed at anyone, but there's asshole, asshat, ass-wipe, how many more versions of the word are there (and do I really want to know)?

Reply

8313girl | 28

#5750780 - Monday 11 November 2013 14:47

Ok I know Y'all are on the asshole vs. ass-hole debate but y'all failed to miss OP's title. I think bitchcake is a much better insult lol.

Reply

44345 | 9

#5750813 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:35

yeah asshole world

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6615905 - Friday 27 May 2016 5:16

"Bitchcake" omg I love the title

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

Reply

puggypark | 14

#5750409 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:49

You should have explained to the people that kicked you out that the guy was throwing stuff at you

By CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5750240 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

At least you got to see the look on his face. Probably better then te movie.

By masterof1 | 7

#5750241 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

MaryJaneUSA | 4

#5750344 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:47

That would egg on the thrower I think...

By FreakoHolm | 6

#5750244 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:46

Bet those good news felt real good.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5751561 - Tuesday 12 November 2013 4:20

Did that really need to be said?

By astralvagan | 20

#5750248 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

why not just get the theater staff to throw him out?

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750501 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:13

It's in Canada, eh. The staff would have gave him free popcorn for wasting his time or something nice like that.

Reply

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5752682 - Wednesday 13 November 2013 2:54

Actually, we give dog sleds with upgraded Huskies, because we're that fucking nice. SO much better then popcorn. What do you think we are, arrogant or something? Jeez.

By caver1 | 14

#5750256 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

The same ting happend to me at a ball game.

Reply

iknowiwantyou | 13

#5750370 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:26

ting mon.

Reply

coldasfire | 23

#6287338 - Sunday 10 May 2015 19:21

That's great.

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750262 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:51

What a twit. Not only did he start shit first but he wasted delicious candy on you for nothing! Other people would have appreciated watching the film while eating that expensive candy more so than him (unless he snuck his own in) but same thing still applies.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5750306 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:16

I find your picture disturbingly hot.

By Alycat6363 | 15

#5750263 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:52

Ugh I wouldn't put up with that for 5 minutes, how did you handle 20?

Reply

YDIoveragain | 4

#5750482 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:52

5min? I might let the first time go as an accident the moment the second candy hit me he be in for some beat down
.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750502 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:15

Because he's Canadian, eh.

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5750948 - Monday 11 November 2013 17:59

because it's sadly true...