Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me.... - FML

By fuck you, bitchcake - 10/11/2013 18:26 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41202

You deserved it

3755

Tweet

Share

Sister of the year

Territorial pissings

Mind your own beeswax

By Loved - 25/5/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2473

You deserved it

166

Tweet

Share

By Ethan - 17/10/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37997

You deserved it

2382

Tweet

Share

By Maestro - 1/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62297

You deserved it

4012

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

81463

You deserved it

3429

Tweet

Share

By Fairymyass - 17/7/2011 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33818

You deserved it

4481

Tweet

Share

By seablue - 11/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54208

You deserved it

16462

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 20:00

Rock, hard place

Today, I'm horny all the time, but my endurance in the sack is horrible. Why me? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1188

You deserved it

365

Tweet

Share

By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36868

You deserved it

2901

Tweet

Share

By itswhateverr - 3/5/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

63643

You deserved it

4425

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/3/2009 04:48 - Canada

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23560

You deserved it

81123

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/8/2020 02:02

Heartless

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1477

You deserved it

1271

Tweet

Share

By ihateithere - 25/3/2019 20:00

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2546

You deserved it

152

Tweet

Share

By xswitch74 - 16/3/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32442

You deserved it

4195

Tweet

Share

By thinking of military school - 23/10/2016 20:35

Today, I drug tested my son for weed. He purposely filled the cup up to the top out of spite and I got piss all over my hands. Oh, and he failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11360

You deserved it

3561

Tweet

Share

By aaannnddd there goes my boner - 28/11/2013 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46096

You deserved it

8381

Tweet

Share

By Noah - 2/11/2016 14:24

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9388

You deserved it

810

Tweet

Share

By lol123 - 10/7/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

I agree, your life sucks

48609

You deserved it

10428

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15041

You deserved it

46883

Tweet

Share

By PentiumBawls8 - 20/1/2010 22:38 - United States

Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of days. She knows that I'm a tea drinker and asked me for a tea bag. While conversing with her, I handed her one and left. I then later realized that I gave her a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12094

You deserved it

32708

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/11/2012 23:59 - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I went to a big job interview. Everything went well at first, with the interviewer being impressed by my CV. I was then interrogated over not having a Facebook account, and practically accused of being a criminal, because people without them "always have something to hide". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27552

You deserved it

1911

Tweet

Share

By JD - 2/2/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34629

You deserved it

10382

Tweet

Share

By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - 2/12/2014 17:59 - United States - Cookeville

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38026

You deserved it

3261

Tweet

Share

By wolfpacking - 2/2/2010 05:51 - France

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist pumping. We hit a bump, I fist pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13104

You deserved it

53833

Tweet

Share

By meow - 16/7/2019 18:30

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1524

You deserved it

189

Tweet

Share

By scribbles1475 - 15/12/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23752

You deserved it

10836

Tweet

Share

By amilia - 7/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy at a seafood restaurant. I explained to him that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. When the waiter took my order, he interrupted me and said, “She’ll have the shrimp," while looking me dead in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3231

You deserved it

296

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 03:17 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48775

You deserved it

7813

Tweet

Share

By firemansam - 12/12/2011 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16247

You deserved it

28798

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Pasadena

In a zoo

Today, I learned that I am referred to as the girl who has "the ass like Beyoncé, but a face like a gorilla". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2168

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By the next james herriot - 10/9/2013 23:30 - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49402

You deserved it

3079

Tweet

Share

By Username - 22/2/2010 05:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28980

You deserved it

3291

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 18:00

Cool

Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1286

You deserved it

352

Tweet

Share

By Carmen - 11/4/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67709

You deserved it

5590

Tweet

Share

By Shenza - 17/6/2012 12:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24755

You deserved it

3003

Tweet

Share

By jodulieu - 2/9/2010 02:31 - France

Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28521

You deserved it

4427

Tweet

Share

By lovinglife - 24/12/2011 12:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30473

You deserved it

6296

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16960

You deserved it

54236

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 00:36 - United States

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8507

You deserved it

35760

Tweet

Share

By phones - 16/1/2015 17:09 - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29748

You deserved it

9199

Tweet

Share

By dwhitehouse - 21/1/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30033

You deserved it

2963

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

COMMENTS

By 41swags | 9

#5750229 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:41

Two words: Ass hole

Reply

mercifulbane | 3

#5750254 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

20 minutes? took you some time there

Reply

Haduken | 16

#5750294 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:08

I love the analogy you used

Reply

jococo7787 | 3

#5750320 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:29

If i were op, next time i would bring an umbrella to the movies.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5750332 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:37

Asshole is a single compound word, asshole.

Reply

Lacist | 19

#5750367 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:24

Two words:
Worth it.

Reply

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5750447 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:23

#32 Thats 5 words. Jk

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5750457 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:32

Really? 5 words? Even if you are joking its still 4 words.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5750564 - Monday 11 November 2013 7:57

6 words: Can't count.

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5750618 - Monday 11 November 2013 9:14

Not that these are directed at anyone, but there's asshole, asshat, ass-wipe, how many more versions of the word are there (and do I really want to know)?

Reply

8313girl | 28

#5750780 - Monday 11 November 2013 14:47

Ok I know Y'all are on the asshole vs. ass-hole debate but y'all failed to miss OP's title. I think bitchcake is a much better insult lol.

Reply

44345 | 9

#5750813 - Monday 11 November 2013 15:35

yeah asshole world

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6615905 - Friday 27 May 2016 5:16

"Bitchcake" omg I love the title

By JamoB | 7

#5750232 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:43

But I bet the look on his face was priceless

Reply

puggypark | 14

#5750409 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:49

You should have explained to the people that kicked you out that the guy was throwing stuff at you

By CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5750240 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

At least you got to see the look on his face. Probably better then te movie.

By masterof1 | 7

#5750241 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

MaryJaneUSA | 4

#5750344 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:47

That would egg on the thrower I think...

By FreakoHolm | 6

#5750244 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:46

Bet those good news felt real good.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5751561 - Tuesday 12 November 2013 4:20

Did that really need to be said?

By astralvagan | 20

#5750248 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:48

why not just get the theater staff to throw him out?

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750501 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:13

It's in Canada, eh. The staff would have gave him free popcorn for wasting his time or something nice like that.

Reply

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5752682 - Wednesday 13 November 2013 2:54

Actually, we give dog sleds with upgraded Huskies, because we're that fucking nice. SO much better then popcorn. What do you think we are, arrogant or something? Jeez.

By caver1 | 14

#5750256 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:49

The same ting happend to me at a ball game.

Reply

iknowiwantyou | 13

#5750370 - Monday 11 November 2013 4:26

ting mon.

Reply

coldasfire | 23

#6287338 - Sunday 10 May 2015 19:21

That's great.

By Cazz91 | 21

#5750262 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:51

What a twit. Not only did he start shit first but he wasted delicious candy on you for nothing! Other people would have appreciated watching the film while eating that expensive candy more so than him (unless he snuck his own in) but same thing still applies.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5750306 - Monday 11 November 2013 3:16

I find your picture disturbingly hot.

By Alycat6363 | 15

#5750263 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:52

Ugh I wouldn't put up with that for 5 minutes, how did you handle 20?

Reply

YDIoveragain | 4

#5750482 - Monday 11 November 2013 5:52

5min? I might let the first time go as an accident the moment the second candy hit me he be in for some beat down
.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5750502 - Monday 11 November 2013 6:15

Because he's Canadian, eh.

By metallicshadow | 16

#5750268 - Monday 11 November 2013 2:55

"his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected"

that's a fucking awesome statement

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5750948 - Monday 11 November 2013 17:59

because it's sadly true...