Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, during my shift at a restaurant, my boss's daughter came in. I couldn't help but notice that she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her, my boss took me aside and said, "My daughter's got eyes you know, not just a pair of tits". FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML
Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML
Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML
Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML
Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML
Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML
Today, I was in the bank with my seven year-old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say, "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML
Today, when my date realised I have a daughter, her actual response was, "Ew." She then got up from our table and went and sat at the bar. By the time I paid my half (and only my half) of the bill, she was already glommed onto another guy at the bar with her hand on his thigh. FML
Today I gently tried to break the news to my now ex-fiance's daughter that her Daddy and I weren't going to get married after all (he cheated), but that I still loved her with all my heart. She responded by punching me in the face. FML
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Top comments
doxer 13
Did that fist end up loving him?
DerSuldam 25
I don't know about the rest of you, but I would personally hate it if my boyfriend ever talked about me like that to complete strangers.
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Comments (113)
sammiaaron 16
I'd be mortified
totallynotemily 25
How did he know that you were her father?
Shrike 24
Wow, seriously?
Queen_of_Night 20
Anyone else seeing Peanut going, "Hey guy, Hey guy! NYAOOOO!"?
Echosnow 15
He must have a death wish
MrPortalFan 21
Should've then introduced yourself as, "Hi, I'm [Insert name here], I raised that little beast."
Emmiii_fml 18
No....just no..
sammiaaron 16
ew
cprad11 12
He seems like an arrogant prick to me. No guy should ever talk about his partner like that.
Ruskiy_Cherep 18
If you use those words to describe your girlfriend. Youre not ready to have a girlfriend
sammiaaron 16
right??? immature pig
Joshawott 21
Could have said something like "Sounds more fun than her mother" and gave him an awkward stare until he put two and two together.
Zebediabolical 45
Why not just lead with 'Why are you staring so hard at my daugher?'
Jaadde 24
Am I the only one who thinks he might have been making this up - who actually says that to a complete stranger?
ThrottleJockey 36
At least he didn't say that he likes to fist you.