By Anonymous

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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Mother of the year

Season finale

BO Central

By Fatlady43 - United States

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML

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By Bilze - United States - Burke

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

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By B_and_W - France

Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML

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By NotTheSoulMate - United States

Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML

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By littleguy - United States

Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML

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By AntiAxe

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By achtung - United States

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By Erica - United States - Mountain View

Today, my boyfriend and I were out cliff jumping, when for the first time, he told me he loved me. I panicked and pushed him over the edge and into the water. He's now in hospital. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the "nasty smell" in my room, which I cannot detect, does not exist. It was just my stepmother trying to make me go insane deep-cleaning my room for her personal amusement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML

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By lily - 25/6/2020 05:04

Overbearing much?!

Today, while on a road trip, we stopped and went to the bathroom. I didn’t need to go, but my parents told me to "try anyway." I’m 24. FML

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By ForgottenSarahMarshall - United States - Aubrey

Today, I was creeping on an old coworker's Facebook and noticed they'd tagged my face in an old group photo as another girl. According to the comments, the girl they'd tagged me as thought it was her too. I worked there for two years and nobody mentioned the mistake. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By laughingflame - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

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By Anonymous

FML Uncensored

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

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By hating my life - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By Asl94 - 16/1/2021 05:01

Are you calling me a fatass?

Today, my mom asked me what I wanted as a gift, so I said a Cricut machine. She replied, "You don’t need exercise equipment, you need to eat healthier." A Cricut is a sticker maker. FML

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By notthebesttime

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He decided that the best time would be while I was giving him a blowjob. He then seemed confused as to why I didn't finish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By alltimelove

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By rissalynn

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML

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By EyeSeeYou - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 17:00

Let it all out

Today, I had too much to eat at dinner. I had to cut sexy time with my husband short because I couldn't do it. I feel bad because it's his birthday today but we stopped. I then proceeded to throw up everything I ate today. FML

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By Peter80 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brighton

Today, I had to sneak out of work early to pick my 14-year-old son up from school. He and a friend had been found covered in Astroglide, racing each other down the corridor on their bellies. My boss noticed my absence from work, and now my son and I are both on suspension. FML

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By get a grip, son - United States - Pooler

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML

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By MasterWong

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

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By hamsterlovinn - United States

Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends. FML

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By Karen1428 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, my principal observed me teach my high school social studies class. At the end of the period, he told me, "Your zipper was open the entire time. I wonder if the students noticed that your underwear matched the buildup of dandruff on your shoulder." FML

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By rhcp007 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, I went to drop my little brother off at the nursery. As I walked in, a boy punched me in the dick and ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Weaponised chocolate

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently, somebody saw me. I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

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Top comments

By Yudith | 20

#7891905 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 12:02

Don't worry; every girl he meets will cancel their date because of the Coronavirus.

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7891771 - Monday 23 March 2020 21:13

She’s saying they are engaged now but have been together for 5 years. Nothing about how long they’ve been engaged. I didn’t know the one year rule though. I was thinking more like 1-2 years seems reasonable. More than that seems too long.

COMMENTS

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7891738 - Monday 23 March 2020 19:14

You should download it and let him fall in love with you all over again ... if he doesn't then you'll know

By Susan Yee | 9

#7891769 - Monday 23 March 2020 21:06

Engagement shouldn’t be longer than 1 year.

Reply

Marcella1016 | 31

#7891771 - Monday 23 March 2020 21:13

She’s saying they are engaged now but have been together for 5 years. Nothing about how long they’ve been engaged. I didn’t know the one year rule though. I was thinking more like 1-2 years seems reasonable. More than that seems too long.

Reply

ojoRojo | 27

#7891850 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 8:23

There are no rules about length of engagement.

Reply

Nicolette Carpenter | 5

#7892613 - Thursday 26 March 2020 20:13

Okay, boomer. What did you do meet someone and marry them 2 weeks later?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7891809 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 1:19

I hope you're being sarcastic!

You have all that bullshit AND no March Madness. What the hell?!?!

By Itsheragain | 9

#7891827 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 6:04

download it. send him a dirty message and say "whoops wrong person"

By ojoRojo | 27

#7891849 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 8:22

Throw the whole boyfriend/fiancé away. You deserve better!

By Yudith | 20

#7891905 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 12:02

Don't worry; every girl he meets will cancel their date because of the Coronavirus.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893427 - Monday 30 March 2020 0:37

I’m noticing a trend, people on here have terrible taste in partners.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7893488 - Monday 30 March 2020 6:57

So why can’t you?, tons of guys into pregnant chicks