Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand....

By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 00:30 - Italy - Verona

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

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Animals

Rock, hard place

Last dates

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 15/5/2018 01:30

Today, I really had to pee at work and rushed to the urinal. I unzipped but couldn't find the hole in the front of my boxers and ended up pissing my pants. I had put my boxers on backwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 08:00

Money Money Money

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

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By XavierLing - 23/7/2019 06:00

Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 16:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

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By Broke - 4/12/2013 08:27 - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By not on life, that's for fucking sure - 25/10/2014 18:27 - United States

Today, I went to a big job interview. As I walked in, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Other highlights include my voice cracking multiple times, sweating profusely and getting uncontrollable nervous giggling. The interviewer eventually stared at me in disbelief and asked if I was high. FML

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By JoanT - 14/7/2020 09:43

"Nice alarm you've got there"

Today, I woke myself up by pinching my nipple between my elbow and the bed. This isn’t the first time. FML

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By Noname - 27/2/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

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By Matt - 29/8/2010 04:53 - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

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By kal - 28/2/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 07:00 - United States

Today, I met my roommate for the first time. I walked in the door to see him in full Roman gladiator gear, screaming at the computer because he lost 18 knights. He also told me he wakes up every 3 hours to make sure his army is still intact. FML

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By dk_2k16 - 12/4/2016 20:29 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By obsceene - 18/10/2010 10:49 - United States

Today, it was wacky tacky day at my school. I did not participate, however, I did get voted the tackiest outfit in my school. FML

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By the un-loved child - 28/7/2013 22:34 - United States - Salida

Today, my mom confessed to loving my "little sister" more than she loves me. My "little sister" is the family dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

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By Boo Boo - 22/1/2012 04:23 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 18:00

Where is it?

Today, as I was reviewing my EMS textbook, I decided I would practice taking my own pulse. I started with finding my femoral artery with no success. My mom walked in on me while I had my hand almost up my crotch, muttering to myself, "Why don't I have one?" FML

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By anon - 10/6/2012 21:14 - United Kingdom - Romsey

Today, I discovered that my expensive new shampoo smells exactly like my ex-girlfriend. So now, whenever I shower, I'm showered with depression. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

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By yamblam5 - 29/5/2016 03:32 - United States - Monroe

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

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By Diana - 13/8/2010 01:06 - United States

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 18:50

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

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By sunflowercake - 23/8/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and a lot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

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By tooflufoschool - 14/10/2009 13:00 - United States

Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML

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By why? - 12/4/2020 17:00

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 12:22 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By makeuuuuup - 21/2/2010 01:52 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way that my foundation shows up under a black light. At a black light party. No one told me until afterwards. Everyone took pictures. FML

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By :| - 16/4/2011 02:04 - Canada

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

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By Lonely - 23/8/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

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By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I paid $70 to learn from the vet that my cat doesn't have a UTI, he's just developed a fetish for peeing on plastic bags. FML

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By How's the salmon? - 10/5/2015 06:00 - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

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By Rachel - 12/2/2016 06:26 - United States - Burton

Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 02:01

Today, I was at work serving customers at the checkout. A girl was brushing the floor behind me. I turned around and whichever way she brushed, the brush hit me twice straight in the balls before she noticed anything. She had to serve the rest of the customers while I recovered. FML

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By seriously? - 25/2/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:44 - Canada - London

Today, my mother in law basically said I deserve my breast cancer, all because I declined to take part in one of her "March Against Cancer" events a while ago. I guess donating money to cancer research instead of going on a meaningless march really messed up my karma. FML

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By bluesox4 - 6/2/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By BatmanUnderwear | 15

#7491983 - Saturday 15 July 2017 1:41

Wasp are you talking about?

By Mary Auman | 9

#7491985 - Saturday 15 July 2017 1:42

cats are dicks

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7491953 - Saturday 15 July 2017 0:53

*Cue the theme from Psycho!*

By BatmanUnderwear | 15

#7491983 - Saturday 15 July 2017 1:41

Wasp are you talking about?

By Mary Auman | 9

#7491985 - Saturday 15 July 2017 1:42

cats are dicks

ladybadone | 9

#7492399 - Saturday 15 July 2017 8:34

so are you asshat

By RichardPencil | 28

#7491993 - Saturday 15 July 2017 1:49

Don’t bee a pussy!

OnlyNeko | 13

#7492008 - Saturday 15 July 2017 2:04

Them being a 'Pussy' may NOT be the iSSUE, but the FACT of them possibly being ALLERGiC to the Bee that is!!!!!

ohsnapword | 21

#7492088 - Saturday 15 July 2017 3:40

DUDE, it has a KNIFE built into its ASS. It has an ASS-KNIFE. Tell me you wouldn't be afraid of a creature with an ass-knife.

D-MacOPsquad | 15

#7492269 - Saturday 15 July 2017 6:31

i like how she totally didnt realize it was a pun lol always double check so you dont look dumb xD

By D-MacOPsquad | 15

#7492259 - Saturday 15 July 2017 6:24

The car was like "don't worry I save you!"

By uneven_lu | 3

#7492273 - Saturday 15 July 2017 6:36

good luck

By lunalane | 16

#7492357 - Saturday 15 July 2017 7:57

By ladybadone | 9

#7492396 - Saturday 15 July 2017 8:33

oh geez that sucks. is your cat OK?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7492560 - Saturday 15 July 2017 11:42

Bumble bees are very tame, nothing you should worry about. Move your hand and it'll fly away. Take it as a compliment, your hands must smell like sweet nectar.