Today, I woke up after a long night of trying to catch a moth....

By foreverDark - 14/5/2012 12:40 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up after a long night of trying to catch a moth. I'd knocked down furniture and screamed up the house to do so, but I finally got it. What did I see first thing this morning? Another moth. FML

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Miscellaneous

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Live dumping

A beautiful truck decoration

By fyreangel - 10/11/2016 21:39 - United States - Warren

Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

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By crunknasty - 30/3/2013 05:19 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

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By Lifeless - 1/6/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2017 22:00

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

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By GotPunched - 11/4/2009 06:36 - Finland

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

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By ohno - 13/7/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

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By lookwhereyasittin - 24/1/2016 17:47 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, it was the first day in my life that I fell into a toilet because someone left the toilet seat up. I'm a guy. FML

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By FMyEx - 6/12/2012 11:50 - United States - Southington

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

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By barfyshirt - 6/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

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By Lily - 2/9/2015 10:09 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By Brea - 1/2/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

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By rowie1311 - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

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By moxy - 24/1/2011 15:00

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

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By Banana_Lord - 3/3/2015 10:41 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2016 05:06 - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 18:30 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2014 06:06 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my daughter started speaking with hashtags. I told her to knock it off, to which she replied, "You don't get it, mom - hashtag white girl probs." Hashtag FML

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By Agirl - 25/10/2012 23:44 - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

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By duhasiangirl - 15/11/2012 00:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

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By beaverfever - 6/8/2014 16:45 - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

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By fatandsad - 3/1/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By brazo667 - 9/2/2015 23:07 - United States - Fort Stewart

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

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By oh.geez - 5/2/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

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By Maggie - 10/12/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

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By chubbyg - 20/9/2014 12:23 - Australia - Clarinda

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I was playing basketball in our company gym. I took a shot from half court, and at that exact moment, an executive walked into the gym with an important potential client. My shot bounced off the side of the backboard, off some bleachers, and right into the client's head. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

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By Liz - 9/1/2009 08:54 - France

Today, I was teaching a class but kids were chatting. After 3 soap box speeches about "The next person who talks gets a note to take home," one kid looked right at me and went "meow". FML

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By college0001 - 20/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Burlington

Today, my college roommate tried to kick me out, because what I say makes her uncomfortable. We haven't talked for 3 months. FML

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By RootalyTootToot - 29/6/2018 15:00

Today, after slipping on my stairs and spraining my ankle, I got a brace and crutches at urgent care. When I went to get into my car, my crutch slipped on some paper and I fell. I crawled back into urgent care, only to learn that my sprained ankle is now broken in 2 places. FML

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By That idiot - 28/8/2014 02:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML

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By Brasilian29 - 11/12/2014 12:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 2 years after eating in a 5-star restaurant. She said that she wasn't ready and that she would walk home by herself, which she did. A homeless gentleman walked up from behind me, patted me on the back and said, "Bitches man." I cried. FML

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By FinanciallyF*ked - 21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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By thompson773 - 20/4/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me. FML

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By Cakeman - 8/11/2009 15:03 - United States

Today, I was at a barbecue. I picked up a piece of cake and began complaining to the man next to me about how horrible it tasted. "It tastes like a s***!" I said. His wife baked it. FML

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By Cheated - 3/8/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2016 10:39 - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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By nilssonfan - 17/11/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

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Top comments

By LoganBurrito | 6

#4434877 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:33

MOTHer of god.

By mhopper | 13

#4434863 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:32

Use a hammer next time

Comments

By stefaowwn | 0

#4434861 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:32

It came back with a vengence!

SkoomaKi | 27

#4434906 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:39

Moths get all the shit. What about butterflies? They flutter about the fucking place thinking "oooooh look at me, so colorful and vibrant". While moths cry themselves to sleep every night wondering if they will ever get equality to their beautiful cousins.

Just a thought.

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4434927 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:44

Huh, what you say?

I was distracted by this beautiful butterfly.

TheGITP | 0

#4435202 - Monday 14 May 2012 19:54

No it was the moths brother, soon your house will be infested with moths holding a vendetta for there fallen brethren!

nado13579 | 12

#4435591 - Monday 14 May 2012 22:08

Am I the only one who likes moths and butterflies equally? :3

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4435932 - Monday 14 May 2012 23:54

67, no you're not, I like them both also.

happle | 21

#4436060 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 0:40

Burn the house down. Then moths can't come into your house.

By mhopper | 13

#4434863 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:32

Use a hammer next time

kira_the_boss | 1

#4435204 - Monday 14 May 2012 19:55

Just crank up some Justin Bieber and it will fly into a ceiling fan and kill itself

boating_guy | 33

#4435207 - Monday 14 May 2012 19:56

I recommend Thor's hammer.

Zomg_Okay | 26

#4435224 - Monday 14 May 2012 20:03

The problem with that, 42, is that any neighbours within earshot would begin to question OP's sanity. Also, OP would probably be right behind that moth on the whole suicide thing.

kira_the_boss | 1

#4435666 - Monday 14 May 2012 22:37

That's true, I'm pretty sure Hitler used this tactic

kira_the_boss | 1

#4435668 - Monday 14 May 2012 22:37

That's true, I'm pretty sure Hitler used this tactic

wallandpiece | 16

#4435674 - Monday 14 May 2012 22:38

What a clever idea.

foreverDark | 1

#4435863 - Monday 14 May 2012 23:28

Right on the money.

SkyBirdy | 5

#4437135 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 5:45

Too bad JB wasnt alive during WWII

By lifeisaterriblem | 6

#4434865 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:32

That really sucks. Use a hammer next time. I'm sure that'll work

LaughinStock | 16

#4435180 - Monday 14 May 2012 19:48

Awww poor 3 :( you were a little late on that one.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4435538 - Monday 14 May 2012 21:53

By seconds. Maybe next time!

By syki | 22

#4434867 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:33

That moth be infuriating.

hahauRrcool | 0

#4435318 - Monday 14 May 2012 20:39

Chivalry is dead

instnt1nfction | 16

#4435481 - Monday 14 May 2012 21:32

Lyke OMG what hapenn to him!!!!!!¡???! (Joke)

SliceOfCake | 9

#4435508 - Monday 14 May 2012 21:43

59 - if you have to write "(joke)", your joke probably wasn't that good.

domking1315 | 20

#4453018 - Friday 18 May 2012 23:14

I dont even know what 59 was talking about

By sergioyslas | 1

#4434869 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:33

HAHA ROUND 2

linkinpark98 | 23

#4435069 - Monday 14 May 2012 19:20

Fight!

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4435141 - Monday 14 May 2012 19:39

Hey, Moth.
GET OVER HERE!

By Canucks8506 | 0

#4434870 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:33

Nasty winged bastards.

ladyLALAA | 28

#4435789 - Monday 14 May 2012 23:10

It's like the real life moth man prophecies!

By ThatOtherMegan | 30

#4434873 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:33

I hate moths.

kickuwithmyfist | 1

#4435330 - Monday 14 May 2012 20:45

Moths hate you...

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4435362 - Monday 14 May 2012 20:53

Fuck you, Moths are sexy.
Scary, but sexy.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4435797 - Monday 14 May 2012 23:11

True.

slushyslime | 7

#4435942 - Monday 14 May 2012 23:58

I hate moths too , I'm phobic to moths and butterflies and dragonflies , I have been since I was 3 :(

BradTheBrony | 19

#4439726 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 23:51

Secret but fun.

By LoganBurrito | 6

#4434877 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:33

MOTHer of god.

lolfood | 24

#4435399 - Monday 14 May 2012 21:04

Why is this thumbed down? I thought it was pretty good.

other121 | 2

#4436650 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 3:26

I see what you dis there! Lol

LoganBurrito | 6

#4437834 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 9:57

lolfood, thank you T~T it warms my heart to see that people still appreciate a good pun.

By Suba_fml | 8

#4434879 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:33

The revenge of the fallen.

By THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4434881 - Monday 14 May 2012 18:34

Mothra's revenge. This time with its babies.