By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 11:59 - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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Work

Intimacy

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Minefield

Thanks, I'm cured!

By yobruh - 17/5/2011 04:54

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

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By WTFisMyLife - 8/5/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

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By Anon - 31/10/2009 11:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

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By Username - 1/1/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my mom found a box full of stuff she had been looking for. She starts going through it and finds baby pictures of my sister and I as well as pictures of the cats. She puts my baby pictures back in the box and closes the lid. The cat pictures are now hanging in her living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2019 02:33

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

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By waxer150 - 22/3/2015 22:32 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

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By Hairylass - 2/10/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny white hairs on my upper lip when I am overly stressed. But only the right side. I noticed when examining my face and seeing they'd all come back black. I've got half a mustache. I'm female. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2016 01:15 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By Anonyme - 24/4/2014 06:57 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

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By RedWaters - 6/3/2013 20:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

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By la poisse - 19/11/2008 05:59 - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

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By Sarah - 30/8/2012 12:58 - United States - Hampton Bays

Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML

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By RyoKioKio - 21/4/2019 12:00

Today, after seeing my cat struggle to use the litterbox and produce nothing for two days, I caved and took him to the emergency vet, fearing a UTI. It wasn't. $200 and 2 Lyft rides later, he's stoned out of his mind and peeing just fine. FML

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By wtf - 10/1/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - 24/2/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By thank god you'll only live once - 8/11/2013 20:12 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 18:00

Today, I got a package containing a present from my grandma. It was a pack of cookies someone gave her for her birthday, and which no one in the family wanted to take home when she offered, because we all found the cookies disgusting. FML

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By wrongman - 14/2/2018 19:00

Today, at the public pool, my boyfriend dived from one side to the other. I jumped in to reward him underwater, kissing him everywhere and grabbing his crotch, until I noticed his shorts were different. I surfaced to see that my boyfriend was still far away. FML

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By meggasee - 25/1/2010 00:23 - France

Today, while having hot sex with my boyfriend, I was experiencing my very first orgasm. Right when my mother walked in. We had no blankets. FML

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By Temporalvisions - 13/7/2017 16:30 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

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By Ilostsomuch - 4/1/2012 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By gotthewrongman - 17/12/2009 17:49 - United States

Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

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By egsrox95 - 1/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

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By anon - 26/7/2010 00:07 - Canada

Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2017 04:30

Today, I got some news from two colleagues, one of whom just got married for the first time, and the other whose long-time wife was recently diagnosed with an advanced form of cancer. I wrote each of them a heartfelt note, which would've been thoughtful if I hadn't mixed up the recipients. FML

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By everyonehatesme - 2/5/2010 08:37 - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

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By RickTooBomb - 5/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 17:04 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2018 01:30

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

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By Lotje13 - 1/1/2012 00:19 - Hungary

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

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By bestbfever - 17/5/2017 02:00

Today, my drunk boyfriend called me by my best friend's name in bed. FML

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By Nuttjacob - 28/2/2011 01:36 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2014 17:36 - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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By Undefined - 1/1/2009 12:09 - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

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By unholy shit - 23/1/2012 22:33 - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

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By El Stupido - 12/6/2011 13:51 - Australia

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

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By grossedout - 29/8/2013 16:26 - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

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By city_girl - 4/2/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

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Top comments

By Tarlachia | 33

#7492967 - Saturday 15 July 2017 18:57

Is that really a relationship you want to resuscitate? Maybe you ought to hit him with the paddles. It might shock him.

By Crewsin | 1

#7493002 - Saturday 15 July 2017 19:30

I feel sorry for such a narrow minded little boy like that. Keep up the good work, my sister is a first responder and I just can't imagine this.

COMMENTS

By joeyl2008 | 29

#7492932 - Saturday 15 July 2017 18:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

joeyl2008 | 29

#7493370 - Sunday 16 July 2017 1:55

I love how people on FML can never take a joke.

onceuponatime456 | 16

#7494684 - Sunday 16 July 2017 23:34

Maybe because your so-called joke was fucking stupid!

By Tarlachia | 33

#7492967 - Saturday 15 July 2017 18:57

Is that really a relationship you want to resuscitate? Maybe you ought to hit him with the paddles. It might shock him.

By Crewsin | 1

#7493002 - Saturday 15 July 2017 19:30

I feel sorry for such a narrow minded little boy like that. Keep up the good work, my sister is a first responder and I just can't imagine this.

By kirby1964 | 20

#7493030 - Saturday 15 July 2017 19:55

Sounds to me like he was seeking any reason to leave, but did not to look like a jerk and wanted the reason to be about something you did wrong.

By rivenrock | 14

#7493038 - Saturday 15 July 2017 20:02

Probably best not to mention that sometimes you guys have to cut the clothes off people...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7493050 - Saturday 15 July 2017 20:08

Yeah, but did you have to slip him tongue?

By Jaeger Keller | 6

#7493092 - Saturday 15 July 2017 20:45

How about "unlikely story".... first responders don't give mouth to mouth and haven't for many years. Infectious disease brought respirators to the ambulance.

phaelnb | 26

#7493410 - Sunday 16 July 2017 2:43

Exactly my question. Why would she be giving mouth to mouth? Even non-professionals are trained to use chest compression only if they don't have a mask to use.

yeongji | 31

#7494908 - Monday 17 July 2017 5:46

OP did not specify when the incident happened, so there is a possibility that it happened when she was off duty. Chest compressions were initiated, but sometimes it isn't enough to get someone back.