Health: Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed... - FML

By Anonymous - Germany

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

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Sorry…

And today, on Dr Phil…

A tad unfair

By rUs7up1d - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught the bus to college. On the way there, the bus decided to make sweet love to a taxi, creating a pile-up and a traffic jam. I didn't make it to the exam in time. FML

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By Boyufd

Paaaaaaarty!

Today, it's my birthday. I'd planned an outside party in my backyard, and I'd invited all of my friends. Only 2 of them showed up. It also rained today, even though it wasn't supposed to. FML

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By sounfair90 - United States

Today, I felt left out that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay... he started hitting on my made up facebook guy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it appears that I spent three years of my life studying for a degree to find myself driving around looking for potholes. That's literally my job. I didn't even study roading, my civil engineering degree is in designing structures. FML

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By shitless88 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

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By laurenasabutton - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I dropped my suitcase on my toe. Don't worry, it was already broken. FML

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

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By undoable - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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By Not Gay - United States - Williamston

Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML

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By MileHighGirlGuy

Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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By LadyJane - France

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

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By birdmagnet - United States

Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

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By awkwardpineapples - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

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By JustAmirage

Today, it was my first day at work. They had me a large tray with lots of food on it, even after I told them I wasn’t comfortable carrying it. I hit the door on the way out of the kitchen, spilling everything on the tray, breaking 2 soup bowls and 3 salad plates. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By awwimanahole - United States - Palmetto

Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and Mexico City spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML

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By Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pasadena

Today, after having to call in a noise complaint about my downstairs neighbors talking loud past midnight, the managers fixed the problem. Now all I can hear is two little girls who like to throw a basketball at the building for hours. FML

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By Enslaved

Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

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By TappedAnts - United States - Seabrook

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Topeka

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

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By PunchingKennyLoggins - United States

Today, the satellite radio at work went on the fritz, playing one song over and over. Management wouldn't turn it off, though, because then customers would miss out on all those upcoming-sale announcements that run intermittently. Meanwhile, I got to listen to "Footloose" for eight hours. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

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By ShowerStar - United States - Mequon

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. Everything was going perfectly, right up until he brought me back to his house to tell his family the good news. When I excused myself to the restroom, I overheard his mom say, "I thought you were going to break up with that stupid slut?" Welcome to the family. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML

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By myfamilyisodd - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

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By Nezje

Today, I didn't get my driver's license even though I didn't make any mistakes because my examiner said it was only my first time taking the exam, so it wouldn't matter if I failed. Now I have to pay another €240 for a second exam. FML

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Top comments

By jrey6104 | 4

#6492238 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:07

I cringed when I read this.

By TordNorski | 30

#6492240 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:08

My eye twitched when I read this.

COMMENTS

By Roxas_hearts | 27

#6492223 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

Oh, cry me a river.

Reply

WhoopteDo | 26

#6492233 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:03

Bet OP didn't see that one coming! Eye'm really not sure how this happened though, iris OP the best though!

Reply

CaptainSmith28 | 19

#6492320 - Thursday 24 December 2015 2:15

A river of blood

Reply

gregjasper | 10

#6492623 - Thursday 24 December 2015 10:16

Why do you sexualize animals you sick bastard?!?

By GrahamLikeABoss | 15

#6492225 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

Well, at least the paper didn't have lemon juice on it.

Reply

Kiernan151 | 25

#6492247 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:14

Why would your paper have lemon juice eon it anyways?

Reply

WarMachine68 | 24

#6492257 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:21

#13 Have you ever written secret messages with lemon juice? When you toast the paper, the writing shows up! Pretty cool stuff!

Reply

PrincessZelda_HR | 22

#6493764 - Saturday 26 December 2015 8:00

Or maybe it's a random science experiment that involves putting lemon juice on paper for some reason; there's all kinds of reasons for it if you think long enough!

By dramaelf | 37

#6492226 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

Oh my dear God, I almost got sick reading that. I am so sorry.

By The_Majestique | 18

#6492227 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

I can't begin to imagine the pain. Trully FYL.

Reply

MothaTeresa | 18

#6492243 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:10

Truly*

Reply

The_Majestique | 18

#6492277 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:43

No one cares dude...

By yonshae | 1

#6492230 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:02

I'm so sorry omg

By WittyMoron | 22

#6492234 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:03

Jesus wept.

Reply

WittyMoron | 22

#6492251 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:16

I didn't actually mean to make a pun.

By jrey6104 | 4

#6492238 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:07

I cringed when I read this.

Reply

ad1836 | 19

#6492300 - Thursday 24 December 2015 1:05

Same

By allforfun | 23

#6492239 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:07

Tear ducts are inside your body. Did you mean the corner of your eye? (Inner/outer canthus)

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#6492259 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:23

You knew what the OP meant.
No need to be so pedantic.

Reply

whatsausername7 | 16

#6492346 - Thursday 24 December 2015 3:22

Love the word choice! Poor op

By TordNorski | 30

#6492240 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:08

My eye twitched when I read this.

Reply

blazingshot147 | 19

#6493864 - Saturday 26 December 2015 10:14

Whole new meaning to salt in the wound man...

By BellaP13 | 24

#6492245 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:13

How in the fuck did you manage that?! Hope it heals soon op.