Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 17:11 - Germany

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

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Understandable

Dangling modifier

Who's a good boy?

By Anyonexx0 - 14/4/2015 18:15 - United States - Washington

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

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By Kev - 23/5/2019 04:00

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML

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By Pisser - 26/6/2014 04:57 - United States - Portland

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

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By failing - 16/10/2015 16:40 - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

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By ken - 19/7/2011 07:40 - Canada

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

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By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

He is proud of the duration

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well, penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

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By froyo - 26/2/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

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By Glutton - 28/1/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

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By UH-OH - 15/3/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed and I asked him why he was with me. His answer was, "Well, the last girl I dated was really smart and she always made me feel dumb, so I decided to switch things up a bit. You make me feel like a genius babe." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 12:00

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 00:01

Today, I saw my boss, so I mentioned to him, "Oh, I quit." He then interrupted, saying, "Great, I was going to fire you this week anyway." I wanted to tell him I quit smoking. FML

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By righthook - 8/4/2015 19:56 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

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By Brastro - 7/4/2009 11:46 - Ireland

Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 17:31 - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

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By West - 16/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was promised that I wouldn't have to work late because I had tomorrow off for my birthday. My coworkers decided that none of them want to work late, and that I could do it. So I am stuck working late and have to come in on my birthday, which I had requested off. FML

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By hadrienne's pall - 13/5/2016 19:25 - Canada - Markham

Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML

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By FullMonty - 15/9/2012 23:26 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my 2-year-old sister walked in on me while I was showering. She began to splash around in the toilet, and as I hastily jumped out to stop her, my brother and his friend got a good look as they walked past the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

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By anonymous - 9/8/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 11:45 - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

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By zingle af - 26/7/2017 20:00

Erection for Protection

Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock solid erection. FML

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By - 25/1/2009 12:36 - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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By erptwerp - 8/3/2016 04:47 - United States

Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML

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By Sheggie - 30/1/2010 05:06 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By KD - 4/1/2015 21:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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By afafakfhsg - 19/2/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By awesome - 5/1/2012 17:13 - United States

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

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By starfishedasshole - 30/3/2014 16:50 - United States

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

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By Thanks Babe - 20/4/2013 23:40 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up feeling awful, having caught the same illness my boyfriend had last night. When he was sick, I skipped my friend's baby shower to take care of him. Now that I'm sick, he goes to a friend's place, says to call if I need him, then turns his phone off. Seriously. FML

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By bubbashrek - 28/8/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

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By whitneyy - 3/8/2009 12:04 - Australia

Today, I went to my grandfathers' funeral. As I stood there, bawling my eyes out, my aunt came over and put her arm around me. She leaned her head close to mine. I assumed she was going to say something comforting, instead she asked where I'd bought my shoes from. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2018 15:30

Today, I bought a new vacuum cleaner after having to go several months without one. Immediately, I wanted to try it out. I must have underestimated how powerful it was, as it sucked up my socks and then broke. FML

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By grenade - 17/7/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

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By judge not, ye cunt - 21/12/2012 23:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

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By embarrassed - 18/11/2010 02:31

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

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By skiergal98 - 18/8/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

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By blah - 21/7/2011 14:10 - United States

Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML

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Top comments

By jrey6104 | 4

#6492238 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:07

I cringed when I read this.

By TordNorski | 30

#6492240 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:08

My eye twitched when I read this.

COMMENTS

By Roxas_hearts | 27

#6492223 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

Oh, cry me a river.

Reply

WhoopteDo | 26

#6492233 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:03

Bet OP didn't see that one coming! Eye'm really not sure how this happened though, iris OP the best though!

Reply

CaptainSmith28 | 19

#6492320 - Thursday 24 December 2015 2:15

A river of blood

Reply

gregjasper | 10

#6492623 - Thursday 24 December 2015 10:16

Why do you sexualize animals you sick bastard?!?

By GrahamLikeABoss | 15

#6492225 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

Well, at least the paper didn't have lemon juice on it.

Reply

Kiernan151 | 25

#6492247 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:14

Why would your paper have lemon juice eon it anyways?

Reply

WarMachine68 | 24

#6492257 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:21

#13 Have you ever written secret messages with lemon juice? When you toast the paper, the writing shows up! Pretty cool stuff!

Reply

PrincessZelda_HR | 22

#6493764 - Saturday 26 December 2015 8:00

Or maybe it's a random science experiment that involves putting lemon juice on paper for some reason; there's all kinds of reasons for it if you think long enough!

By dramaelf | 37

#6492226 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

Oh my dear God, I almost got sick reading that. I am so sorry.

By The_Majestique | 18

#6492227 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:00

I can't begin to imagine the pain. Trully FYL.

Reply

MothaTeresa | 18

#6492243 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:10

Truly*

Reply

The_Majestique | 18

#6492277 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:43

No one cares dude...

By yonshae | 1

#6492230 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:02

I'm so sorry omg

By WittyMoron | 22

#6492234 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:03

Jesus wept.

Reply

WittyMoron | 22

#6492251 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:16

I didn't actually mean to make a pun.

By jrey6104 | 4

#6492238 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:07

I cringed when I read this.

Reply

ad1836 | 19

#6492300 - Thursday 24 December 2015 1:05

Same

By allforfun | 23

#6492239 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:07

Tear ducts are inside your body. Did you mean the corner of your eye? (Inner/outer canthus)

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#6492259 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:23

You knew what the OP meant.
No need to be so pedantic.

Reply

whatsausername7 | 16

#6492346 - Thursday 24 December 2015 3:22

Love the word choice! Poor op

By TordNorski | 30

#6492240 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:08

My eye twitched when I read this.

Reply

blazingshot147 | 19

#6493864 - Saturday 26 December 2015 10:14

Whole new meaning to salt in the wound man...

By BellaP13 | 24

#6492245 - Thursday 24 December 2015 0:13

How in the fuck did you manage that?! Hope it heals soon op.