Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling... - FML

By catguy - 19/8/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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What did I do?

Healthy relationship

Thanks, I'm cured!

By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 14:00

'Cause I'm a Criminal

Today, I woke up to find both of my bank accounts frozen. My bank informed me that the IRS had ordered a freeze on my assets because of back taxes owed, and would not unfreeze them until the money is paid. The amount? $2.47. FML

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By Lalalala - 6/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Post-it

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

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By Darkness162000 - 8/1/2010 00:21 - France

Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML

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By justjust - 28/3/2009 14:14 - United States

Today, I was at work at a preschool. I was sitting outside with the kids and was getting bored so I started singing. One of the little girls runs up and puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to stop. I'm in a select chorus at my highschool and plan to major in choral studies in college. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - 10/11/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By skiittlez713 - 20/5/2011 08:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

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By Tgreject - 16/8/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

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By FMeeee - 16/6/2014 18:50 - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 17:48 - United States - Tucson

Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML

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By photonut13 - 15/7/2010 10:52 - Canada

Today, I found out my mother had remarried, and that I was getting a stepfather and stepbrother. However I found out about it 30 minutes before we left to pick them up from the airport, and also found out that I'm losing my bedroom. FML

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By TooGulible - 12/7/2016 20:08 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

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By booyouwhoree - 3/3/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2011 20:48 - United States

Today, I found out my soon to be ex-husband is going to be a father. We spent our entire marriage unsuccessfully trying for a baby. The mother of his unborn child isn't his new girlfriend, but someone else he was cheating on her with. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By pissed out pants - 18/1/2015 21:58 - United Kingdom

Today, just to win a bet against my mum that he could make me scream like a bitch, my dad faked his own suicide. He went the whole mile: fake blood everywhere, fake gun, yelling "Goodbye!" and playing a loud gunshot sound effect from his PC, everything. My dad won; my underwear lost. FML

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By DingusGinger - 21/4/2019 02:00

Today, I found out my boss likes to shit talk about me when I'm not around. Best part is I don't know what I've done to piss him off. FML

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By archer - 20/11/2008 11:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend who has just returned from his 3 month placement abroad cancelled our date. Why? Because there was a match England vs Germany. A friendly match. FML

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By InDeepBlue - 10/9/2019 06:00

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By Samantha - 29/3/2009 03:14 - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

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By justlittleoldme - 25/7/2012 21:05 - United States - Sarona

Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML

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By Wino - 5/12/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

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By Iamthatgirl - 27/8/2014 04:56 - United States - Ada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 12:08 - United States

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

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By SilkySmooth - 28/11/2018 22:00

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By Stupid - 1/3/2018 15:00

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

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By future burger flipper - 3/6/2013 19:22 - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By Whoisshe - 17/1/2020 01:00

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By otherdad? - 30/3/2018 19:00

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2017 02:00

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

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By unholy shit - 23/1/2012 22:33 - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

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By meowitzer - 22/4/2020 05:02

All over the place

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

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By rcarn - 12/6/2015 14:25 - United States - Leesburg

Today, my friends decided to throw a going away party because I'm moving. It would have been great if I had actually been invited. FML

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By hungryman - 14/7/2009 21:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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By anonymous - 11/4/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

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By notastoner - 19/6/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

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By CoronaDating - 23/3/2020 23:10

Covid-19 vs. Sex life

Today, I've been single for a couple of months. The last time I was single, Tinder and dating apps didn't exist. After figuring out how to be successful with those and setting up several dates, I've already had 3 date cancellations for this week because of the coronavirus. It's going to be a long couple of months. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 19:13 - Sweden

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

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Top comments

By freaky922 | 0

#499112 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:09

Taking care of her "pussy", if you will...

By tehukiso | 0

#499114 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:09

This is totally irrelevant (mostly) but as soon as I read cat, and Tom, I thought of Tom and Jerry and started to miss weekend morning cartoons :(

COMMENTS

By fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#499110 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:08

first, and if she was your gf for some time shouldnt you know that her cat died?

Reply

swirlsofhoney | 0

#499123 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:11

Only if she told him. Obviously she's been lying so how could he know? Even if he goes to her house and her cat's not there it would be normal; cats are outside all the time.

Reply

Silversquirrel | 0

#499137 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:15

not all cats, my cat stays inside all the time, she gets out, she doesnt come back, so, yeh

Reply

hope93 | 0

#499201 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:41

#8 not all cats stay outside. my cat stays inside... but she hides all the time so unless you look for her than you really don't see her. and I go to peoples house where they have a cat that I have yet to see so its possible he didn't know she was lying

Reply

LatinoHeat | 0

#499726 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 21:00

YDI for thinking about Clay Aiken instead of satisfying your woman.

Reply

fckinbowdown | 0

#1099113 - Friday 16 July 2010 21:33

there's no excuse for cheating so leave that stupid bitch and find someone who is loyal and who actually cares about you

By freaky922 | 0

#499112 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:09

Taking care of her "pussy", if you will...

Reply

nerdlover | 0

#499706 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 20:53

Damn you beat me to it

Reply

wickeddrummajor | 0

#500710 - Thursday 20 August 2009 4:12

yeah she technically WAS taking care of her cat ya know *wink wink*

Reply

ashleeee | 0

#506390 - Saturday 22 August 2009 4:07

lmfaooooooooooooooo !

ahah is she ?!?1?

By tehukiso | 0

#499114 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:09

This is totally irrelevant (mostly) but as soon as I read cat, and Tom, I thought of Tom and Jerry and started to miss weekend morning cartoons :(

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#913006 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:38

me too :(

By xtatik | 0

#499115 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:09

second, and i agree with #1 seriously you would have to know that her cat died??!!

Reply

xtatik | 0

#499144 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:17

oohhhh...fail at coming second...

Reply

gress269 | 4

#3680295 - Sunday 4 December 2011 9:20

I believe not, Sir.

By Hazard911 | 0

#499116 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:09

Pretty tricky if anyone else make the jump from cat to.... Yea you get it.

By tweaker18 | 0

#499117 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:10

wow. ydi for not remembering that her cat died, but fyl if she never told you

By Egotistical | 0

#499122 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:11

You should have offered 2 help take care of the cat n if she said no insist on going. Next time pick better girls.

By giganticbrain | 0

#499131 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:13

This FML was well written. Good job on it.

By glassJAw624 | 0

#499138 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:15

cut toms dick off then shove it down her throat.

By caancoha | 0

#499139 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 16:16

By "cat" she meant vagina, obviously.

Reply

toink | 0

#499278 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 17:16

I agree, and 'taking care' means having sex, so 'dead cat' means that OP had not fucked her pussy for 3 months. No wonder she asked her neighbour to 'take care of her cat'...