Miscellaneous: Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/01/2012 00:10 - United States

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 443

You deserved it 2 915

Hiding from the drama

Mother of the year

Vulture

Hot tub

By Anonymous - 03/08/2012 08:21 - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 975

You deserved it 2 675

By BW - 07/06/2009 21:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 611

You deserved it 6 256

By drooooooool - 09/11/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 187

You deserved it 6 336

By purpletrout - 30/11/2016 06:39 - United States - Lansing

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 340

You deserved it 1 108

By Anonymous - 02/07/2019 12:07

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 104

You deserved it 145

Food for thought

By datgurllllukno - 15/10/2014 06:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 152

You deserved it 5 945

By Anonymous - 28/07/2009 22:27 - United States

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a major scholarship competition. After months of waiting, during which my parents were convinced I had won, I discovered that my entry had never been received. Apparently the woman I had confirmed with had had a long day, and lied so that she could go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 835

You deserved it 2 852

Cones

By Blinkin - 08/09/2021 02:00

Today, I recently woke up colourblind and so far no doctor or surgeon can tell me why. I'm a graphic designer, I went to university and put years of practise into this specific skill set, I need to see in colour or this could cost me my job and ruin my career prospects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 437

You deserved it 51

By humanchewtoy - 07/07/2018 20:30

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 869

You deserved it 465

By charishard - 04/05/2013 05:17 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 299

You deserved it 35 040

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 629

You deserved it 4 690

By izzy_the_pessimist - 10/09/2018 18:30

Today, at lunch, I was talking to my friends about having a boyfriend. Suddenly, some boy I don't even know said, "Nobody wants to date that ugly bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 094

You deserved it 245

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 10:23 - Singapore

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 382

You deserved it 38 045

Going well, isn't it

By theproblemboblem - 29/04/2021 14:00

Spicy

Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 309

You deserved it 242

By Anonymous - 06/02/2013 23:14 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 960

You deserved it 3 248

By stillchubby - 17/02/2011 11:12 - Australia

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 921

You deserved it 5 909

By haha - 04/09/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 426

You deserved it 3 420

By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 08:13 - United States

Today, I was walking dogs for the animal hospital I work for. I accidentally dropped the leash, and in my haste to retrieve it, I frantically grabbed the ground. I got the leash, and a handful of fresh dog poo emitted from the dog I was walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 595

You deserved it 5 450

By fire - 15/12/2009 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 481

You deserved it 6 580

Beep Beep Who's Got the Keys to the Jeep

By Loser - 12/08/2017 03:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 3 278

By useyourownbed - 18/09/2012 20:06 - United States - Byron

Spicy

Today, my sister walked into my room, saying her boyfriend "forgot something." She then reached under my bed and pulled out a pair of boxers and a condom wrapper. Her response to my disgust was, "My bed was dirty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 758

You deserved it 2 470

By "Forevor_a_potato" - 26/04/2019 16:00

Today, I have to reschedule the vacation I had planned for eight months because I have the flu, and feel too sick to go and enjoy myself at a waterpark. This vacation is the only thing that's kept me sane these last two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 871

You deserved it 208

Shut up! Shut up!

By Steve - 30/04/2021 01:59

Today, I found out the guy taking the cubicle next to mine is the annoying dudebro who punctuates, like, every sentence he says with, like, the word "like" every, like, three words. Like… FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 92

By and she doesn't even give bjs - 09/02/2013 00:44 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 147

You deserved it 5 221

By Anonymous - 20/04/2014 17:58 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of 3 years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 479

You deserved it 9 491

By fattypatty - 20/02/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, it seems I do, in fact, have an addiction to food. My employer has put on a weight loss challenge with a 1000$ prize, and on day 5 of 100 I'm already lying to the calorie counting app I installed on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 958

You deserved it 2 265

By fmlguy382 - 22/06/2011 08:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 174

You deserved it 7 843

By LoveDrug - 17/02/2010 10:49 - Ireland

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 687

You deserved it 2 830

By Megan - 17/06/2012 19:38 - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 520

You deserved it 2 302

By whiskey'swino - 09/06/2019 14:19

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 926

You deserved it 234

Get out of there!

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 15:30 - United States - Durham

Today, after I can't count how many times, my boyfriend of 5 years decided to break MORE things in our home, because I asked him not to let our son speak to me rudely. His response, "He said 'OK' so you should have shut up." Basically, he's raising my kid to treat me like he does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 543

By Anonymous - 14/02/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 971

You deserved it 53 038

By CANTTAKEMORE - 26/04/2016 22:24 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I seriously considered stepping in front of a car so that I could miss a few days of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 330

You deserved it 2 962

Hey stinky!

By kristinjanie10 - 04/06/2021 04:00

Today, my doctor informed me that my severe body odor has no cure, no treatments, and is caused by… eating food. Not any specific food, just food. So either I can stop eating entirely, or I can smell like rotting fish in an outhouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 79

By totalloss - 01/04/2012 16:15 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 274

You deserved it 2 127

By mighthavepaidfortwodates - 28/03/2019 22:00

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 065

You deserved it 323

Judgemental

By still on the wagon - 18/07/2021 15:01 - United States

Today, I got a ton of angry and disappointed messages. My boyfriend posted a picture of us out at a restaurant, and I was holding a brown bottle. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I was drinking a fancy root beer. No one believes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 82

Cashback

By elle_hamilton - 25/08/2020 23:01 - United States

Today, when I told a gentleman that, no, he couldn't have cash back on his return without a receipt, he started screaming at me that I was calling his mother a liar. He told me to lawyer up and yelled at me for smiling at him. He also screamed at me to go on a diet as he left the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 07/12/2013 07:17 - United States - San Pablo

Today, my fifteen year old son decided to tell his little five year old sister that Santa isn't real. She now refuses to talk to any of us and thinks "her whole life is a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 475

You deserved it 6 926

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 04:44 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my boss held my hair while I threw up. It's day two on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 063

You deserved it 9 022

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:37

he needs a McChillthefuckout

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:35

RUN MOTHAFUCKA RUN!!!

Comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:35

RUN MOTHAFUCKA RUN!!!

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:55

I'm adding this to my favorites!

imustbeinsane 2

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:01

Hey he just wanted some spare change. Who better than Obama?

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:13

Guess your the egg mcmuffin of his alcohol experiences ;)

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:31

ahhhh good old alcohol

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:36

Funny shit

somebody_special 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 13:02

this too funny to b true but its f*ckin hilarious

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:37

he needs a McChillthefuckout

michaelscott23 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:41

I can see why he'd want to attack Obama though.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:49

I wouldn't say attacking the President is a good idea, nor is there a good reason for it. He's doing the best he can to turn shit around, after the way Dumbo left it.. It's not Obama's fault. I do however accept the fact that there hasn't been a good president since Clinton.

Dusty_Busters 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:21

Ha...

LookOnBrightSide 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:22

3-Is that still on the dollar menu? I hope everybody in Congress gets some of that. We'd be having less problems if they did.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 13:54

12- People say that I'm crazy when I say that Clinton was the last good president in office! I fully agree with you!!

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 14:10

For whatever reason his incident in office made him pretty unpopular. Apparently having marriage problems is far worse than being a coke head or an alcoholic. Whatever. If Hillary would run for office again, and be voted in, I think we would all be in luck. - Not just saying that because I'm a girl. If you're a Clinton fan, you should go to Arkansas and visit the Clinton Library. It's fantastic! He actually has a suite on the top floor that he will go and visit on occassions.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:38

Your comment :should have recorded that with your phone...rotfl

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:14

You have really got to get rid of that "your comment:" at the beginning of your comments.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:41

Yeah, you're right mr no real picture of self and no age on profile, her one eye, nose, and lips are incredibly cute. You look like a creep.

ChronicBluntz420 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 10:52

He just called her cute, calm down.^

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 11:34

It's annoying though. PM that shit!

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:38

Crazy homeless person must be colored blind

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:20

Probably, gender blind too.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 11:05

Hair blind?? Think he would notice the long hair ha.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:41

Ydi for looking nothing like Obama LOL

LookOnBrightSide 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:19

6- Did you not read the part where OP said she is a Caucasian woman? And even if she did look like Obama, I don't know why a crazy homeless man would have to chase her down.

LookOnBrightSide 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:24

6-Did you not read the part where OP said she was a Caucasian female? And what's wrong with looking like Obama?

drawmesunshine 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:44

6, Did you not read where it said that half the FML population doesn't appreciate that sort of humor? YDI for making a funny that most people here won't see.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:42

His color blind..

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:52

He's*

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 10:34

Unfinished sentences are..

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:42

How is it these days that homeless people can afford booze but not food? It's crazy!

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 11:51

With a stressful day to day life on the streets, a beer sounds a lot better than a salad

cochinitaBonita 2

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 11:53

They have priorities

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 13:05

That is why most of them are on the streets that or drug problems

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:43

Ah yes, the infamous colorblind, homeless, and wasted republican.

LookOnBrightSide 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:20

10-You sure that's not Newt Gingrich. Sounds kind of like him to me.

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 8:49

I would have tripped him and said that.....is for...all America ....this is how much .....I care

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 9:01

Haha, I found joy out of reading this, pretending in my mind that Obama was actually saying it with his infamously annoying pauses

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 132

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 86