By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 17:09

I'm lovin' it

Today, as usual, I worked at McDonald's. Although I tried to diffuse the situation, an old man was absolutely furious, and punched me in the face over BBQ sauce. FML

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1427

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Quite the journey

Good boy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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45277

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By Angry Mob - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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34105

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By lel

Today, I got a blue screen of death on my brand new computer. Why? My parents installed an "anti-virus" before I got home. FML

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2925

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, while I was having sex, he stopped, looked at me all seriously and said, "Permission to climax, ma'am?" FML

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49843

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9980

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By FailBear - United States

Today, I found a guy getting out of my car with my GPS. He started running and I chased him. We eventually reached a dead end and he gave it back to me. I took it back from him and said, "Sorry..." FML

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29520

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By Sl3vin - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

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32349

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By seeminglyunsexy - United States

Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML

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53656

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By Ed - United States

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

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29587

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By mandythepandy

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

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5457

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By TotallyDeservedIt - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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8044

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By stellarshaun - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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25193

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By No Nip

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

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1894

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By darlingditz - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

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By janegeorge - Canada - Kanata

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

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31381

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By anon - United States

Ouch

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

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34333

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By BetterThanChocolate - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

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48089

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By hazlanz216 - Canada

Today, I was suspended from work. Some lady went to the manager and told them that I was stalking her, all because I would kindly greet her everyday at the grocery store. I'm the cashier. FML

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29843

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

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29678

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By fet - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to shave my feet in order to wear ballet flats. I'm not a hobbit. FML

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24145

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

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26640

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By sportyhusband - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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14075

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

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9494

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By GeeThanks - Canada - Toronto

Today, while making a grand show of his generosity, my boss gave me my own commissions as a wedding gift. FML

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3147

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By supapimpin - United States

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

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38027

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By silentbutdeadly - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend. His dog, Baxter, has a bad farting problem. I decided it would be okay to let a silent fart out and blame the dog. Baxter was outside when I blamed him. FML

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9971

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By boytoy - Canada

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

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44025

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By Homeless - United States

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

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96872

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By BonGoWash - United States - Bronxville

Today, I went to do my laundry. Having no laundry bag, I put clothes in a suitcase and headed to the basement. When my roommate saw me, she burst into tears with happiness. FML

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32860

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

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22183

You deserved it

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By Teen - United States

Whoops

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

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22058

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot my key inside my apartment. My boyfriend suggested we ask a neighbor to open it. I explained we don't all have the same key, to which he responded, "Well how come they all have the same doorknobs?" FML

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47150

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

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10529

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By dummy - Canada

Today, my grandpa took out the family for dinner and paid for everyone. He paid the bill and my family and I were waiting by the door. I realised I probably should thank him for dinner. I turn around without thinking and give him a big hug and say thanks for dinner Grandpa. It wasn't my grandpa. FML

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15253

You deserved it

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By ihatepokemon - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

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42716

You deserved it

11785

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

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10798

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

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9952

You deserved it

24534

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By Bee - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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40841

You deserved it

8283

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling one of my patients I was upset because my sister wants to go to beauty school, and that I don't want her getting a worthless qualification and to aim higher. My patient replied saying she is a hair dresser. FML

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7802

You deserved it

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By spanishgirl101 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28843

You deserved it

3062

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By Gaylord - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

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13725

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7933366 - Sunday 23 August 2020 23:42

And that's when you press charges McAssault and McBattery.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7933286 - Sunday 23 August 2020 18:52

and he was arrested for assault, right?

COMMENTS

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7933286 - Sunday 23 August 2020 18:52

and he was arrested for assault, right?

RichardPencil | 30

#7933373 - Monday 24 August 2020 0:51

And apepper?

By mecaslender | 5

#7933304 - Sunday 23 August 2020 19:48

Hey, I feel your pain I also work at McGoFuckYourself

By RichardPencil | 30

#7933312 - Sunday 23 August 2020 20:04

Serves you right for screwing with our heads with McRib!

By TxKitten | 8

#7933318 - Sunday 23 August 2020 20:11

And you called the cops and filed an assault charge, right?

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7933331 - Sunday 23 August 2020 21:18

Social distancing - he's doing it wrong.

By tounces7 | 27

#7933366 - Sunday 23 August 2020 23:42

And that's when you press charges McAssault and McBattery.

By Sertorius | 7

#7933386 - Monday 24 August 2020 2:35

If you diffused the situation I guess you allowing it to infiltrate everywhere, like unwanted aromatherapy. Which is pretty much what happened to 2020. You should have tried defusing the situation instead.