When you run out of kibble...

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

Family values

Rock, hard place

Trust

By Anonymous - United States

32776

3813

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

By psh_idontbite - United States

30626

3521

Today, I made an appointment with a therapist because lately I've been feeling alone and like no one cares about me. I waited at her office for about forty minutes before the receptionist informed me that she must have forgotten about the appointment. I was stood up by even my therapist. FML

By Anonymous - United States

94585

6544

Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

By Anonymousagb - United Arab Emirates

28905

91968

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

By yoyyo - United States - Manhattan

10021

1299

Today, I was so excited because tomorrow I'm going to be losing my virginity. I just used the bathroom and I got my period. FML

By virgin

Early program

310

Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML

By Anonymous

27276

2863

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

By noway6000 - United States

9546

94540

Today, I was at a concert and the guy who was selling the drinks tripped and fell down the stairs, landing on the floor next to me and the drinks went all over. I went to make sure he was okay and helped pick up the drinks. After assuring me he was okay, he gave me a free soda. It exploded. FML

By blinkme - United States

40595

13771

Today, my best friend became my ex-best friend. I have finally gotten over the guy she stole from me a year ago and have developed a crush on another guy. My best friend called me today to tell me that she broke up with the first guy and is now going out with my current crush. FML

By Cheater_Cheater_Pumpkin_Eater - United States

41015

4996

Today I was trying to show off to my mother about how much detail I placed into my group project that I had to do tomorrow. I then proceeded to delete the project thinking that I was just removing it from my phone.... Everyone's research and my 3 day's of hard work went with it. FML.

By JL.

1001

2478

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

By Girafarig - United States

16233

44770

Today, as I worked the drive-through at Wendy's, the hottest girl from my math class pulled up to the window. As I handed her the drink, I asked her what she thought of our math test today. She screamed "How did you know I had a math test, you creep!", threw the drink at me, and drove off. FML

By olalala2382 - United States

91931

7206

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

By pissedoff - United States - Benton

13781

1325

Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML

By failure as a parent - United States - Bound Brook

54317

6265

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

By "Brain_fart" - United States - Salt Lake City

3124

337

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

52519

3525

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

By porkers gonna pork :\ - Australia - Elsternwick

And I oop

18650

6176

Today, at a house party someone smashed and spilled their drink. In my own drunken state, I decided to get the mop as someone might fall. I then fell over it and ended up with glass in my side. FML

By Caution

2112

558

Today, I accidentally cooked my new Apple Pencil. Being magnetic, it stuck to a baking tray that was put down on the table I’d been drawing at, and went in the oven. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 02:00

Yummy, apple crumble!

1177

600

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

By lone_ranger - United States

27269

3451

Today, I was at the mall and I noticed this guy staring at me from across the food court. He smiled and waved at me so I walked over there and tried to talk to him. He was looking at his girlfriend the whole time. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

21435

5046

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

By WhyIHateTeachers - United States - Ormond Beach

25095

9100

Today, my neighbor's dog decided to knock over our trash cans, which were full of my bathroom trash. I had to pick up tampon and maxi pad wrappers from all over the neighborhood. FML

By A - United States - Warner Robins

28334

2542

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

By CutieBooty - United States

24270

35618

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

1865

371

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

By Anonymous - United States

10176

38907

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

By gold3nshow3r - United States - Roanoke

5475

416

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

By lostinthewoods

1737

333

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

By Tai - Australia

71001

9867

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

By SoupCanoe - United Kingdom

42999

3840

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

By grossgross - United States

51432

5505

Today, I ate what was supposed to be a delicious mini powdered donut. The first one tasted funny, so I pulled out another one and realized that the powdered sugar was now in fact powdered hairy mold. Then I looked at the package and realized it was over a year and a half old. FML

By Anonymous - United States

13674

40666

Today, I had a CT scan done after hitting my head, for fear of a concussion. Good news: no concussion. Bad news: the tumor they "accidentally" found. FML

By Anonymous

3689

212

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

By anon - United States - Arlington

27455

4332

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

10338

2460

Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML

By thanksbro - United States

29799

3009

Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

19192

3932

Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

By Lukev7 - Australia

45871

5557

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

By Sovekipisse - France - Arthon-en-retz

52273

4150