When you run out of kibble...

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

Proactive

This Charming Man

Thanks for the support

By badtiming - United States

31984

3279

Today, and for almost 6 years, my wife and I have had issues fighting when we’re drunk. I’ve always gotten/accepted the blame. I quit drinking to try and better our marriage. Now she wants a divorce. FML

By yup0308 - 30/4/2021 23:01 - United States - Byron Center

Can't win

806

Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML

By thanksbro - United States

29807

3019

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

By insomnia - United States

15207

68829

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

By skinnyguy23 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

33439

3611

Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML

By sh3n-D - Denmark - Herning

11607

39076

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

By JessykaB - United States

29766

7300

Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML

By Confession - Belgium

Get the message

12270

3837

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

By Anonymous - United States

33433

3047

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

By Kitten

3279

147

Today, I got the dress I gave to a tailor to replace a broken zipper back. When I tried it on, I discovered that they’d cut at least 4 inches of fabric, and being skinny, there’s no way I can ever fit into it. It’s from the 1950’s, inherited from my late grandma, who in turn inherited it from her aunt. FML

By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 02:01

Family heirloom

1113

Today, I was in a video conference with my coworkers. They started arguing so much that I decided to turn off my video and started chanting ,"Let it be over, let it be over... Let me go!" The boss finally stoped everybody to comment, "We can hear you." I hadn't turned my mic off. FML

By ted_the_interpreter - 22/11/2020 05:03 - United States - Corona

Masked Singer

330

1223

Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML

By nmaidkieavg

8387

55925

Today, as I was getting ready to go to class, I accidentally stepped in dog poop. I was in a hurry, so I scraped it off as best as I could. When I go to class, I noticed it smelled. The girl behind me noticed and said, "Mmmmm, smells like food in here." FML

By das_shizzle - 30/9/2020 23:02 - United States - Montesano

Oh shit

911

Today, I got congratulations at work for being "so focused" and "not spending time on my phone." I didn't have the heart to tell my manager I don't spend time on my phone because I have no friends to talk to. FML

By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 17:01

Well done!

721

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

By Smooth - United States

16331

112092

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

By belly the jelly

A job well done.

3498

665

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

By gerontofuck - Canada - Red Deer

44758

4623

Today, I got my very first yeast infection. Thinking she would help me, I went to my mom. Instead she began yelling about how I'm lying and it's an STD and I don't believe in the power of Jesus. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36842

3022

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

By mysterygurll1234567 - United States

32624

3693

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

By n - United States

32033

3475

Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Wayne

2082

230

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

By lonely girl - United States - Oregon City

48264

22753

Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML

By Helpful Smile - United States - Bettendorf

20640

1211

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 05:00

Mr Commitment

1359

113

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

By lonelyboy101 - United States

63777

8585

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

1487

253

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26446

2949

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

By djshahso - United States

7645

46783

Today, after an emergency doctor told me to go to the pharmacy to get Zantac for possible stomach ulcers, I was told by the pharmacist that it was actually recalled a year ago. I had to pay almost double the price for another antacid. Thanks a lot for knowing your stuff, ER doctor. FML

By angie24w - 19/6/2020 07:55

On the ball

1244

155

Today, I learned that I wasn't really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML

By wow - United Kingdom

42855

4432

Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML

By Anonymous

9300

1541

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML

By hlewrn - United States - Centreville

7893

33075

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

By Daniel - United States

34580

3947

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

By ShiddyDiddy

1466

176

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

By Anonymous - United States

48873

3427

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

By brrrr that's cold! - United States

27625

2392

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

By Anonymous - United States

27197

13780

Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

38200

3766

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29509

2734