Intimacy: Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

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Intimacy

Vulture

Walk the line

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML

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By Anonymous

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

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By leaannec30 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

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By Kathleen Verhaegen

Pale AF

Today, I went to get a double conch piercing. Afterwards, the lady asked me whether I was feeling well, because I was looking so pale. I had to explain that it's my normal skin tone. I'm just pale as fuck. FML

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By Mel

Today, I found out the guy I was seeing was married, with a kid, when his wife sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

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By MJjunior - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By carolinagirl - United States

Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML

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By Katt - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend on the lobby's couch. We were not paying attention to anything but each other. Apparently, someone tied our shoes together. I stood up and faceplanted into a pool table. I'm now missing two teeth. FML

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By sobasics - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

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By stupid - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

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By bad_luck_chuck

Today, I got a Samsung Galaxy and opened the box to see a cracked screen. I showed the clerk and she said I must have dropped it. I hadn't moved since she handed me the box. FML

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By jewel87 - United States

Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 14:08

Ungrateful

Today, my three-year-old told me he hates me cause I’m mean because I wouldn’t give him another cupcake. Now he is calling his grandma his new mommy. FML

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By terpity12 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked how I could go to the bathroom and leave my tampon in at the same time. He didn't realize there are two separate holes. He's 28. FML

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By DumpedHisAss - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

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By bingalingading - United States - Owosso

Today, my fiancée and I were making plans for our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law chimed in with, "You know, she can still get out of this. I got the dress for her but we can save it for the next guy." I'm not sure if she's joking or not. FML

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By pardon my English :$ - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2021 06:01

TMI FML

Today, I had to take a photo of my asshole after I sat on a rusty nail, causing considerable pain. Thankfully, no major damage was done. Unfortunately, the photo synced up to my mum's iPad, since it's linked to my Apple ID. FML

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By Sod's Law in action

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

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By biblio - United States

Today, I told the man I love to "go first" when we started talking at the same time. I wanted to confess my feelings, he wanted to tell me about his engagement. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

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By Singapore - United States - Shortsville

Today, my uncle gave me a lecture on how I eat too much "unhealthy" junk food, and that it can be very harmful for me. All the while smoking a cigarette. FML

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By achtung - United States

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from school to find almost every single personal possession and piece of furniture from my bedroom all laid out or disassembled in the back yard. My dad smugly told me I'd better start moving it all back. This is his revenge for me salting his coffee this morning. FML

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By - France

Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. We go to investigate. It's coming from a drawer. We open it up. Battery operated dildo. FML

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By published_anthropologist - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

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By Ticklish - United States - Marion

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to save money, I wanted to fix my own leaky roof instead of hiring someone. When I got on the roof, the ladder fell. As it was falling, it broke three windows and snagged the siding of my house ripping over half of it off. FML

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By maryfaithh - United States

Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML

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By ozzii

Crushed

Today, my friend pointed out that I’ve developed crushes on my last two bosses. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that before then, I had a secret crush on a professor back in college, too. Yet, I wonder why I’m single. FML

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By trashed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

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By still sore

Relax!

Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML

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By Rachel247 - Israel

Today, we had a hike at my camp. We hiked in a line. I suddenly felt things hitting me at the back of the head. After a few minutes I finally turn around, only to discover a bunch of older guys throwing tampons at my head. They were my tampons, falling one by one out of my unzipped bag. FML

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By bumpinthenight

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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By thatescalatedquickly - United States - Collierville

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

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By wrecked - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

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Top comments

By Action_Bastard | 0

#1518065 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:11

That man is full of WIN.

By fmlwinnn | 0

#1518093 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:14

so your boyfriend has a sense of humor. OMG no way!! FYL!!!! let him have a sense of humor, OP.

COMMENTS

By Action_Bastard | 0

#1518065 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:11

That man is full of WIN.

pwincessa23 | 1

#1518193 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:38

well, at least u had good sex....

allenrotstein | 0

#1518202 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:40

How is this a FML? he's a funny guy, let him be..

xXSweetNightmare | 0

#1518212 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:43

This is actually pretty funny.

Smeagol648 | 0

#1518245 - Friday 8 October 2010 19:57

So what OP? He has a good sense of humour. And plus he gives a good fuck. This isn't an FML.

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1518270 - Friday 8 October 2010 20:07

Come on. Get real Op. That's not an FML that's funny as hell.

karina_said | 0

#1518290 - Friday 8 October 2010 20:20

reading the fml gets me sleepy -_-

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1518301 - Friday 8 October 2010 20:29

lol today you have average sex and were hypnotized into thinking it was amazing

megamandude455 | 10

#1518324 - Friday 8 October 2010 20:38

ooh nice one 41

tweetbaby14 | 17

#1518446 - Friday 8 October 2010 21:27

"pretty much amazing"? it's either: good, bad, or amazing... pretty much amazing is like saying "yea, it sucked, I just don't want to embarass you on a website. :)" and YDI for not having a sense of humor.

rohosoccer08 | 1

#1518462 - Friday 8 October 2010 21:34

haha I wouldve laughed if my husband did that, it's funny

iRyanJr | 0

#1518529 - Friday 8 October 2010 21:59

After my boyfriend and I*

Learns the grammar.

imaginaryvoice | 18

#1518610 - Friday 8 October 2010 22:28

Lmao! Ryan, I love your profile pic. That made me laugh so hard

Jacckay | 3

#1519022 - Saturday 9 October 2010 0:52

Cyanide and Happiness.! :D

whitey5231 | 0

#1519360 - Saturday 9 October 2010 1:47

well that's not that bad chill the fuc$ down

OnlyAvailableID | 28

#1519447 - Saturday 9 October 2010 2:02

Love C&H!

That man is a genius.

MrPuffs | 0

#1520365 - Saturday 9 October 2010 5:47

fucking grammar fail
stupid woman...

justAskxx | 0

#1554225 - Saturday 16 October 2010 3:37

ikr? I'd screw him ;D

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1560203 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:58

Today, My girlfriend and I had pretty much the worst sex possible. After we were done, I decided to lighten up the mood by swinging the freshly used condom back and forth saying, "You are thinking that we just had amazing sex" It worked. WIN!