Health: Today, I was making my bed, which would normally be a simple...

By Username - 08/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed, which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 210

You deserved it 10 447

Health

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

We need to know more!

Scarcity

The Haunting of FML House

By Tess - 18/03/2020 02:01 - United States - Burlington

Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 977

You deserved it 243

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 06:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 584

You deserved it 1 358

By Eric - 18/05/2019 06:10

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I added an old high school friend on Facebook. She claims this person is getting in the middle of our relationship. I haven't talked to him in years, and he lives across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 827

You deserved it 147

Dark

By bloomrosalind8976 - 02/05/2021 16:59

Today, I admitted to my SO that I wanted to kill myself. They told me it was abusive to tell them that, and claimed I was just using it as a tool to control them. What they don't know is I attempted it by overdosing the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 185

Little shit

By single&alone - 06/03/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny nitwit like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 729

You deserved it 3 507

By j0hn - 23/02/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 921

You deserved it 17 452

By bugger - 22/02/2015 17:31

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 909

You deserved it 5 138

By oh dang /: - 25/05/2011 11:34

Today, I turned in an essay after staying up late to work on it. I was away when the teacher assigned it, so I'd asked my friend what the subject was. It transpires that she'd given me the wrong one, all because she was mad at me for not returning her pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 415

You deserved it 7 530

By satisfied88 - 02/06/2011 14:49

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 610

You deserved it 16 023

By swaiteATC - 28/07/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 219

You deserved it 2 639

By compulsiveliarssaytheylikeme - 18/09/2014 01:37 - United States - Sayre

Today, I found out that the only girl who's ever called me cute or handsome is actually a compulsive liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 516

You deserved it 3 030

By masterfail - 04/10/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 455

You deserved it 19 720

Panic!

By dusty - 06/12/2018 15:30

Today, I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 181

You deserved it 1 764

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 16:29 - United States - Santee

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my cat meowing, with her dilated vagina in my face, giving birth to her first litter of kittens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 891

You deserved it 5 374

By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 09:07 - Canada

Today, I scratched a lottery ticket I had gotten for my birthday and won $10,000. In celebration, I jumped up and raised my hands directly into a ceiling fan. Oh, and it was a fake ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 293

You deserved it 6 061

By Noname - 25/02/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 599

You deserved it 4 156

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 15:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 859

You deserved it 3 188

By Username - 13/09/2010 23:19 - France

Today, I found out my grandmother doesn't wear underwear when she bent over in front of me in her inappropriately short nightgown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 543

You deserved it 2 814

By condiments - 22/02/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 038

You deserved it 3 037

By Donutsarelife - 19/11/2014 15:09 - United States

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 015

You deserved it 3 944

Student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 06/06/2021 09:58 - United States - Steele

Today, my son's "favorite" teacher went on a tirade criticizing my "awful" parenting. About two months ago, my son got her fired after he reported her to the principal for forcing him to miss out on lunch to finish a project. Apparently, that wasn't the first time she did something like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 13/08/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 725

You deserved it 216

By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 967

You deserved it 4 166

By disappointed dad - 19/05/2013 07:35 - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 760

You deserved it 4 877

By JK710 - 23/06/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 163

You deserved it 11 400

By stellarshaun - 16/01/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 204

You deserved it 10 838

By anonymous - 01/10/2011 14:18 - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 680

You deserved it 3 000

By eyes wide SHIT - 28/12/2013 01:37 - Australia

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 941

You deserved it 5 929

Bad news

By Anonymous - 24/05/2020 23:00

Today, I was hanging out with my friends and my sister, we were all wasted and I was making jokes. My sister then gets a phone call, I leave the room to get a drink and I hear everyone go a bit silent I come back in and all of the sudden everyone looks at me. My friend says, "Um… I'm so sorry, your mom passed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 128

Weird reason, but OK

By hurt - 30/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of our differing skin tones. The contrast weirds him out during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 270

You deserved it 398

By MakesMeLol - 18/01/2012 22:30 - Ireland

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 197

You deserved it 6 758

Stay safe

By notaslut - 08/01/2020 22:00 - United States - Greeley

Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 622

You deserved it 580

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 930

You deserved it 1 731

By Grubendol - 15/12/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the dream, she threatened to hit me, and I told her I'd do it myself. I reared back and knocked the crap out of myself. I'm awake now, and my jaw still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 559

You deserved it 5 987

By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 733

You deserved it 9 032

By Chels - 11/05/2011 05:17 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 787

You deserved it 5 266

By Jobby - 30/06/2012 12:48

Today, I have four flights. I spent last night projectile vomiting with food poisoning. By the time I got to the airport it had progressed to liquid diarhea. Two flights in, I got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 685

You deserved it 2 694

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 04:05 - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 380

You deserved it 4 912

Stand up guy

By Cecilian - 06/03/2021 00:30

Today, I found out why my fiancé has been treating me like garbage lately. He thought that me getting fed up and dumping him would save him the unpleasant task of having to confess to the affair he’s been having with his coworker. We’re expecting our baby girl in 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 75

By Anonymous - 20/07/2014 23:57 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 034

You deserved it 3 372

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Top comments

Action_Bastard 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:12

Oh man...pancaking a nut is the worst.

MetalFish 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:18

dude..... you gotta be careful with those! they aren't like teeth you know, they don't grow back! you only get one set of nuts!

andrewzzz 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:11

wow u fail ...smh

lemonlife 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:20

at least you have friends

pwincessa23 1

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:24

hope op can have kids...

allenrotstein 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:38

Scrambled eggs...

Smeagol648 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:51

You still have your right nut! :D

TwoInTheBush 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 20:19

ouchhhhhhh! omg lol I'm sorry, my nuts feel for you

bailes_o_hay 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 20:25

haha the item formally known as your left nut

KingDingALing 9

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Friday 8 October 2010 21:21

Fuck!! That would hurt!! I can feel that pain right now... :/

ChrisSG 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 21:48

nutcracker!!

zerobahamut03 2

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Friday 8 October 2010 22:03

Ouch my balls feel your pain.

cganon 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 23:54

oh fuck! that's painful!

black_knight402 0

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Saturday 9 October 2010 5:47

what a nutty situation

planbsponserme 2

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Saturday 9 October 2010 6:02

my left nut feels awful just thinkin about it. fyl man. respect

9010649 3

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Saturday 9 October 2010 9:12

AAAAUUGGH! I can hear the crunch! >.<

Dragons_corner 6

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Saturday 9 October 2010 9:32

I still think it's weird/neat that almost all guys feels, grabs, or closes eyes when a guys nuts are hurt in some way. I grabed mine because that will hurt. I hate the tap the nut and a minute later your on the ground in pain.

Person000 0

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Saturday 9 October 2010 10:26

ladies to understand this pain just getting hit in the nuts is like you taking a sledge hammer in between the legs and then slowly stab your self up your stomach.

thecrazyasian 3

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Saturday 9 October 2010 18:21

now u got 3 balls?

rudiznell 0

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Sunday 10 October 2010 1:17

did it asplode

leader0011 5

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Monday 18 April 2011 20:08

maybe you can sell it now...

MrsDruidess 23

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Thursday 15 May 2014 11:24

and you have had these balls for how long? Yet you don't keep track of them? Odd. . .

axeno 7

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Sunday 18 May 2014 7:42

Took the chance didn't you?

ohdearitsme 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:11

ouch, that sucks

blocparty 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 21:49

did you manadge to find it again?

Action_Bastard 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:12

Oh man...pancaking a nut is the worst.

NightSkyx 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 20:25

Hmm... luckily righty's ok :o

sourgirl101 28

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Friday 8 October 2010 21:13

I had pancakes with eggs over easy for breakfast this morning! Yummy!

mrahhhhh 21

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Friday 8 October 2010 21:14

#3 you look like Kirk Hammett. Shin Chan is one of my favorite shows btw.

TheNinjaBuffalo 0

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Saturday 9 October 2010 4:24

nice

Epic_Phale615 0

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Saturday 9 October 2010 5:14

Agreed, it sucks when you break a fall or accidentally lean into something and your nuts are the "cushion".

Action_Bastard 0

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Monday 11 October 2010 1:03

Shin Chan is a badass show...holy crap, I do look like Kirk Hammett. Good call 61

fmlwinnn 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:13

sounds like it hurt...FYL

johobus28 26

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Monday 26 January 2015 7:02

I about broke my teeth cringing at this . . . FYL OP

trippydoll 4

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:13

hahaha

MetalFish 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:18

dude..... you gotta be careful with those! they aren't like teeth you know, they don't grow back! you only get one set of nuts!

catatonicsleep 17

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Friday 8 October 2010 20:16

teeth don't grow back.... unless you're a shark

MetalFish 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 20:18

well, they get replaced... I was half right. It's been a long day for me, im allowed to make mistakes!

Annihilator 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 22:53

#7, you fail because teeth only get replaced once. Everybody knows that.

bryan4595 0

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Saturday 9 October 2010 4:54

u mean nuts aren't like pubes then u make sense

drummerforever 0

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Saturday 9 October 2010 8:59

win^

SAMHAlN 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:18

I moderated this I feel special

perdix 29

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:22

As in Olympics? Do you want a cookie?

SAMHAlN 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:24

I like to take a hammer to the special olympics and beat people with it. no I am a genius k?

Shaggy_92 5

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:33

you are awesomely brutal 10 out of 10

pik_fml 0

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Saturday 9 October 2010 5:27

cool iron maiden sticker in the background

SAMHAlN 0

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Saturday 6 November 2010 22:49

perdix 29

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:18

That why you leave that work to the womenzes! A man making his own bed is just nuts!

stronghand0331 17

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:23

I have a question; Why is it always the "left nut" that gets all the attention? Like "suck my left nut!" what makes the right nut incapable?

iamchuck 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:27

The left nut is the pretty one.

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:28

Not anymore, perdix. I suspect he's just a singular nut now.

_streets_ 19

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:34

Haha 13 I never realized that before

sourgirl101 28

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:48

I've heard that the right nut is always larger than it's twin. That's why many men's penises slant.

MetalFish 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 19:56

My right one isn't bigger :| I'm worried now D:

sourgirl101 28

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Friday 8 October 2010 20:10

Metalfish not to get too personal but are you measuring correctly? Get that checked out. It's one of the signs of Testicles forum cancer. nojoke

sourgirl101 28

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Friday 8 October 2010 21:03

I love that "Sex Pistol"'s album.

stronghand0331 17

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Friday 8 October 2010 22:48

Ay yo ay Pendatik! Those are fightin' words!

sourgirl101 28

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Friday 8 October 2010 23:33

Pendatik, I did know a girl from Birmingham. She was a bloody disgrace. Always saying 'Fuck this and fuck that, fucking little fuckers, fucking brats'! She did have a "Body" on her but was no "Holiday in the Sun". Vicious and Rotten!

MetalFish 0

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Tuesday 12 October 2010 21:57

@Sourgirl, it's the lefty that's bigger for me... well, if a look down it's my left... sooooo... if you was looking it'd be your right. (telling the internet about my 'nads xD ) Apparently it doesn't matter which one is bigger, like women's boobs.