Miscellaneous: Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone... - FML

By Tom - United Kingdom

Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Family extension

Uninvolved

By SlapAndTickle - United States

Today, my mother kept nagging at me because my 9-month-old daughter only calms down when I play her metal. She demands I use gospel, otherwise she will turn into a "devil-worshipping lunatic like her mother". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By Ah piss - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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By smh - Canada

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of 5 adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules: No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. He then told me that he will love me forever, wait for me and will follow me to the ends of the earth. Apparently, that means standing outside my door and calling my house phone every five minutes. It's been 3 hours straight now. FML

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By Telley21 - United States - Rexburg

He had to find out eventually!

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

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By Deweyboy

Today, since I needed someone to talk to about it, I told my girlfriend how my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes. My girlfriend's mother then told me, in graphic detail, how her father's diabetes led to his toes being hacked off. FML

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By CheesyCasey - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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By Jinx - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I got a stern talking-to from the police about threatening and harassing people. Who had called them? None other than my stalker, whom I'd just informed about the restraining order I was filing against him after finding him in my house. For the second time. FML

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By misc - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Maryville

Today, I got hit by a stray cantaloupe. That's not a typo. I hate my neighbors' kids with a burning passion. FML

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By Paul Rushing

Panic buying? What panic buying?

Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

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By ringmaster101 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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By DaggerHole - Australia

Today, I learned the worst part about being dared to shave your ass hair: Stubble. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 21:32 - India

Knock next time please

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

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By cek4uytp - United States

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

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By shit - United States - South Holland

Today, my sister was taking forever in the bathroom, and I jokingly threatened to kick down the door. I rammed into it, and it actually bust almost off its hinges. My sister screamed and our parents came running. Now I'm grounded forever and our bathroom has no door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Whoops

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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By ZombieMommy - United States - Conroe

Plooped

Today, I was pouring milk into my coffee and, as it plooped into my mug, I noticed the expiration date on the jug passed 2 weeks ago. Nobody here drinks milk very often and I ran out of creamer so I've been unknowingly drinking my coffee with curdled milk for the past 3 days. FML

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By skiergal98

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I was really hitting it off with my blind date and was eager to arrange a second date. I gave him my number and he decided to call my phone so I could save his number. My phone didn’t ring. He got upset because he thought I gave him a fake number and stormed off. The battery was dead. FML

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By Awesome - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

OCD

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

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By LoveSick

Today, I'm getting married. I woke up with no voice to say my I dos with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML

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By QuestionMyLife - United States

Today, I walked into my bedroom and realized I really needed to clean it. As I started to pick everything up off of the floor, I tripped over a shoe, slipped on a water bottle, pulled down my shoe rack and landed in my armoire. My room is now dirtier than it was when I started. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML

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By hes - United States

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 13:58 - Germany - Ebersbach

Shove it, lady

Today, my neighbor complained that the trailers and sheds in my yard are ruining her view. The same neighbor who built her house right above my property, thereby ruining my view, and leaving not even enough space for a hedge in between. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 14:02

My precious

Today, I had some flagstones put down to fix a muddy place where my horses stand, in a part of the woods that is only accessible on foot. The flagstones weigh about 30 kilos apiece and you can easily get them for free on the internet, yet someone went to the trouble to steal them. FML

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By breeeeeh - France - Brou-sur-chantereine

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Yikes!

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

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By obsessed - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sydney

Today, while buying paint, I began to help an elderly woman working to lift some heavy boxes. She told me what a nice young lady I was. Then her boss came over, screamed at her for being lazy and fired her. She cried. So did I. FML

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By UnfortunateGirly - Australia

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to yell out "Pass us the bong, Emma!" while I was on the phone to my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 14:01

We could be heroes

Today, as an Ambulance Technician, I dealt with a man who had too much LSD. He urinated on my boot and spat on me multiple times, thinking he had dragons in his mouth. I put a mask on him and he took it off so "the dragons could escape." My wage is lower than if I were working in a supermarket. FML

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By lovecrisis247 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

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Top comments

By Vintage_fml | 0

#113206 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 15:15

yesterday,i slept at 3 am,woke up at 6 am for school

By urlifemaysuk | 0

#590697 - Monday 28 September 2009 2:03

why are u complaining I'm a higschooler and almost every other night I have to stay up til 3 or 4 in the morning and then get up at 5 to get ready for school quit bitching at least you get to go back to sleep

COMMENTS

By mister_moops | 0

#25357 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:21

complain some more, faggot.

By xMarchofFlamesx | 0

#26562 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 18:43

get over it!

By MarrymeNickJonas | 0

#39536 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 5:33

mann your like is screwed up... *sarcasm*

Reply

cheapshoes13 | 0

#989846 - Sunday 9 May 2010 20:45

lmao, ur a fag for ur profile name n pic...

Reply

iMP0W3R | 0

#1022424 - Monday 7 June 2010 7:07

lmfao agreed.

Reply

britt93 | 7

#2247050 - Sunday 27 March 2011 5:21

how van you be a mrs. if you're younger than me? I'm 17. very fishy.

By bellaxobrianna | 0

#51295 - Monday 23 March 2009 1:31

boo fucking hoo

By shaPOW | 0

#66399 - Sunday 29 March 2009 5:07

did you seriously think this was worthy of fmylife.com? this happens to everyone who's dumb enough to leave their phone ringer on overnight.

By Darsa | 0

#72848 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 20:14

Good =P That'll teach you to stay up so late!

By thor82188 | 0

#77536 - Thursday 2 April 2009 20:19

How did FML allow this on here?

By Vintage_fml | 0

#113206 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 15:15

yesterday,i slept at 3 am,woke up at 6 am for school

By vicky93 | 0

#127949 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 0:23

today, i wasted 16 seconds reading the most stupidest fml in the world. fml

By ZH13 | 0

#128169 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:44

lolz @ #11, even though "most stupidest" makes no sense.
maybe you should get to bed earlier and a call at six wouldn't have bothered you.